Experts across the World, India and China said that incursion on Indian land will not increase the size of nose, eyes and height of any Chinese man.

"Boss, if Chinese are thinking that their demonstration of millitary power on Indian soil will help them increase their size of their height, nose and eyes then they are thinkingday dreaming. I am sure that even after this encroachment they will continue to look ugly piggy banks," said Zubeid Hussain, an Indian millitary expert.

Recently, Chinese troops entered in Ladaakh, crossing Indian borders cleanly. While experts are still to understand about the reason behind incursion, a leading Chinese newspaper China Daily said that such periodical attacks on India will resolve Chinese genetic problem completely. The leading newspaper which is also known as mouthpiece of Chinese Government said that such efforts will improve looks of average Chinese people and they will be able to impress US and European girls. China Daily also said that it would also help improve sex power of Chinese people, which was always considered as lack of energy and vitality.

The daily said "Otherwise there is no other option left for any average dirty and ugly looking Chinese man. They will never require to take viagra everyday."

Director of 104 films which include popular epics like Himmatwala, K. Raghvendra Rao was manhandled by 4 people in Hyderabad. Condition of Raghvendra Rao is serious and he is in intensive care unit in a city based hospital.

Talking to India Satire correspondent, Police Inspector G. Ramarao said "Appa Raghvendra was on a morning walk when 4 hooligans came and assaulted him like anything. They punched him, kicked him and damaged every part of his body. Initial investigation suggests that they also used wooden sticks to beat him. Currently, Rao is unconscious and we have to wait for his recovery before taking any step. However, we have successfully arrested one of those 4 guys."

According to sources, these 4 fans were great fans of Raghvendra Rao and just to show regards towards their idol, they went to watch Sajid Khan's remake of Himmatwala in a premier show. However, after finishing they came to Raghvendra Rao's bunglow immediately and waited for him to come out of his house. As soon as Rao came out for morning walk they started hitting him like anything. The source also told India Satire correspondent that the guys looked deeply frustrated, mentally damaged and insanely tortured by the film and wanted to take revenge from Raghvendra Rao for becoming Sajid Khan's inspiration for creating such stupidest movie of all time in the history of Indian cinema.

Inspector Ramarao said "I saw the movie yesterday night and I can understand mental torture these guys faced. If talking unofficially, I sincerely have done same thing and therefore I request State Government to ban this movie to avoid any further violence and forgive these 4 guys."

Samajwadi Party Chief, Mulayam Singh Yadav demanded a special status for himself in all the CBI cases in return of his reverent support to UPA Government.

"I saw these cheat Congressis gave special status to Bihar just Nitish Kumar demanded. I also want special status for myself in solving CBI cases. The government should call me 'backward'," said Mulayam Singh Yadav in nostalgic voice.

Mulayam Singh was talking about Centre's move to grant Bihar "backward" status, after the state's Chief Minister Nitish persistently demanded it from the UPA Government.

Yadav said "He was not even supporting Congressis in FDI retail still he is getting special status. But I was more backward when I was Chief Minister last time. The government should consider my earnings in that period and my ability to create wealth and grant me a special status in all the CBI cases."

Indian Government dumped Mr. Joseph to below poverty line when he found standing above poverty line.

"How can he stand above poverty line when everybody in India is below poverty line?" asked Planning Commission Chief Montek Singh Ahluwalia.

Joseph who was earning around 3-4 lakh rupees per year was consistently tracked by Indian agencies such as IT Department, Planning Commission and Finance Ministry.

Ahluwalia said "It is not justifiable that most of Indians live below poverty line, how can this guy stood above the line. We therefore dumped in by increasing inflation through higher diesel prices, higher food prices and higher what not."

Finance Minister P Chidambaram said that he supported Ahluwalia this time in dumping Mr Joseph to below poverty line.

"Actually, Joseph is novice in the BPL category and therefore he is not eligible to get any BPL sops. But we let him stay in this category for 4-5 years and he would be getting sops like food security and many more," said P Chidambaram.

Government sent a congratulatory letter and momento to Joseph for entering in BPL category.

"With support of all of Indians, we will dump many more from above poverty line people to below poverty line," said Chidambaram.

Sanjay Dutt said he is evaluating an option of flying to Italy along with various other legal rescue methods, in an exclusive interview to the India Satire correspondent.

"Yes we are considering all the legal options for relief though I believe in Indian judicial system. The option includes review petition and flying to Italy for one to two weeks with due permissions from Indian judges," said Sanjay Dutt who is popularly known as Sanju Baba in the film fraternity.

He said "Just after court granted me a jail for 5 years one of the ministers in UPA Government told my sister Priya (Dutt) that moving to Italy can be considered as best alternative. Even both Indian and Italian Governments can help in getting real justice. He said that if my review petition would not get accepted then we can try a request of small holiday in Italy which is allowed to be converted into a long term citizenship."

He said that it would be sad part in his life to move to Italy but else if there would not be any options then what he can do.

Reacting to allegations of wasting litres of water, Asaram Bapu decided to produce water using his finger.
"Guys! No need to cry for ashashwat and low life water that I can produce by using my small finger. Just look at my finger," Asaram Bapu told India Satire journalist.
Immediately his finger started releasing a fountain of water. The unstoppable fountain continued to soak Bapu's dhoti and journalist's pant. After a lot of requests from journalist, Bapu stopped his finger made fountain.
"Watch this fountain. Hai ki nahi ekdum flaura fountain? Just as you saw, how I released so much of water using my small finger. Kutte bhaukte hai to bhaukne do. I don't need water from municipal corporation, I have sufficient of it," said Asaram Bapu.
Bapu was reacting on the allegations made by a social group, Andhashraddha Nirmoolan Samiti (ANS) and media.
Bapu's close aide, Chintan Swami said that United Nations is constantly in touch with Bapu in resolving universal water issue and is planning to locate Bapu just besides Statue of Liberty to allow him release some crores of liters of water.

After ruckus over Steel Minister Beni Prasad Verma's comments on Mulayam Singh Yadav, Congress Party finally agreed that it was under the plan of promoting its new comic book series "Beni Prasad Verma Tales". Beni Prasad Verma said Mulayam Singh Yadav has links with terrorists.

"Vermaji was actually commenting as per our funny and hilarious book series Beni Prasad Verma Tales. The book is actually based on digestible jokes and sensible humour," said Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi.

Sonia Gandhi confirmed that the story came out of elaborate plan for entertaining people for 2014 elections.

Making a statement in the Parliament in front of members, she said "It is our duty to keep Indian people happy using various entertaining modes. Therefore we decided to use comedy books and political circus. However, our last efforts failed due to lack of sensibility and jokes that were far away from ground realities, just whatever you saw what Sir Digvijay Singh and Sushil Kumar Shinde did under this plan. They brought irritation to the wide audience with their insensible humour and overacting. Therefore, we finally decided to introduce Vermaji to take this responsibility. This guy is really hilarious. Earlier, he was on the job of our Personal Entertainer."

Reacting to Sonia Gandhi's statement, Samajwadi Party President Mulayam Singh Yadav said "Oh it was a joke then it's fine otherwise I would have held Parliament for ransom."

After Gwalior High Court removed ban on satire websites that showed some stupid content on Arindam Chaudhuri, IIPM Head decided to launch MBA degree in satires. The step was taken under the plan of improving the satire culture in India and guides the unemployed and underemployed satirists in the path of nation building.

"Guys! Quality of satires in India is way below the world ranks. The reason is 100% satirists are affiliated to UGC or AICTE institutions. They haven't tried independent intellectual education agencies such as IIPM. I would like to announce that IIPM is starting a full fledged 3- year post graduate diploma in satires," announced Arindam Chaudhuri, in a packed annual conference with IIPM alumni.

He said "These satirists are so stupid that they don't even understand that they are writing satires on the father of satires. (Arindam pointed towards himself)." 

All the students presented at the conference clapped in tandem.

"This kind of poor quality you can always expect from UGC or AICTE affiliated institution. I just want to change the entire scene. I want to improve the quality of satire, satirist and his target. I have no issue if they talk about some idiot politician, but a person like me which is involved in India's development process can't be targeted. That is the reason I want to start a course on satire. This will take India to next level of development. In this process I am going to use current staff of our institution to teach the aspiring satirists in their free time. This will help me in setting a landmark example of how to use available resources in most productive ways," said Arindam Chaudhuri.

Benedict XVI who put a foundation of resignations by Pope himself in the Vatican City refused to share his Twitter password with Pope Francis, drawing ire of the new Pope.

"This is totally unacceptable for a guy of such caliber. Now how can I spread message of peace and sanity to the world?" said newly elected Pope Francis.

According to sources, after declaring as an official Pope to spread the great message of Christianity to world, Pope Francis immediately asked for Twitter handle and wanted to tweet that he was Pope now. However, Pope Benedict XVI plainly refused to give it to him.

Pope Benedict XVI cleared that he just resigned from the job of Pope and not from Twitter handle. He also said that he actually resigned just to keep track of various Twitter trends and to be able to send his expert views comfortably.

He said "I am going to be an official tweet writer for the Vatican City while Pope Francis will handle all other dirty work."

India decided to retaliate fedayeen attacks in Srinagar by sending its active paranormal force of died politicians and criminals to Pakistan and PoK.

"We have our 1000 battalions of paranormal force equipped with new arms and ammunition. They are ready with all types of nuclear and chemical weapons which will be used in retaliation of Pakistani terrorists and military," said AK Antony, India's Defence Minister.

India will send its force located in Jaipur Fort. The force has a team of 1000 ghosts, 500 daayan and 300 rakshas, comes once in the night at 12 am for training. The paranormal force of India is considered as most trusted military force which can destroy entire terrorist camp in seconds.

Antony said "Politicians, murderers and criminals who were died in the past and converted to ghost, daayan, raakshash, etc., they all join our paranormal force immediately. They are well equipped with great sort of training and can destroy enemy easily."

Antony said that the force is very patriotic unlike its behavior before death happens to them.

Antony said that in this kind of corrupt scenario in defence, paranormal force was a best option.

"We also afraid direct attack on Pakistani terrorists and military as we believe in non-violence," said Salman Khurshid.

He said "I never like in killing anybody as far as he is killed by some ghost."