Indian Government dumped Mr. Joseph to below poverty line when he found standing above poverty line.

"How can he stand above poverty line when everybody in India is below poverty line?" asked Planning Commission Chief Montek Singh Ahluwalia.

Joseph who was earning around 3-4 lakh rupees per year was consistently tracked by Indian agencies such as IT Department, Planning Commission and Finance Ministry.

Ahluwalia said "It is not justifiable that most of Indians live below poverty line, how can this guy stood above the line. We therefore dumped in by increasing inflation through higher diesel prices, higher food prices and higher what not."

Finance Minister P Chidambaram said that he supported Ahluwalia this time in dumping Mr Joseph to below poverty line.

"Actually, Joseph is novice in the BPL category and therefore he is not eligible to get any BPL sops. But we let him stay in this category for 4-5 years and he would be getting sops like food security and many more," said P Chidambaram.

Government sent a congratulatory letter and momento to Joseph for entering in BPL category.

"With support of all of Indians, we will dump many more from above poverty line people to below poverty line," said Chidambaram.

Sanjay Dutt said he is evaluating an option of flying to Italy along with various other legal rescue methods, in an exclusive interview to the India Satire correspondent.

"Yes we are considering all the legal options for relief though I believe in Indian judicial system. The option includes review petition and flying to Italy for one to two weeks with due permissions from Indian judges," said Sanjay Dutt who is popularly known as Sanju Baba in the film fraternity.

He said "Just after court granted me a jail for 5 years one of the ministers in UPA Government told my sister Priya (Dutt) that moving to Italy can be considered as best alternative. Even both Indian and Italian Governments can help in getting real justice. He said that if my review petition would not get accepted then we can try a request of small holiday in Italy which is allowed to be converted into a long term citizenship."

He said that it would be sad part in his life to move to Italy but else if there would not be any options then what he can do.

Reacting to allegations of wasting litres of water, Asaram Bapu decided to produce water using his finger.
"Guys! No need to cry for ashashwat and low life water that I can produce by using my small finger. Just look at my finger," Asaram Bapu told India Satire journalist.
Immediately his finger started releasing a fountain of water. The unstoppable fountain continued to soak Bapu's dhoti and journalist's pant. After a lot of requests from journalist, Bapu stopped his finger made fountain.
"Watch this fountain. Hai ki nahi ekdum flaura fountain? Just as you saw, how I released so much of water using my small finger. Kutte bhaukte hai to bhaukne do. I don't need water from municipal corporation, I have sufficient of it," said Asaram Bapu.
Bapu was reacting on the allegations made by a social group, Andhashraddha Nirmoolan Samiti (ANS) and media.
Bapu's close aide, Chintan Swami said that United Nations is constantly in touch with Bapu in resolving universal water issue and is planning to locate Bapu just besides Statue of Liberty to allow him release some crores of liters of water.

After Gwalior High Court removed ban on satire websites that showed some stupid content on Arindam Chaudhuri, IIPM Head decided to launch MBA degree in satires. The step was taken under the plan of improving the satire culture in India and guides the unemployed and underemployed satirists in the path of nation building.

"Guys! Quality of satires in India is way below the world ranks. The reason is 100% satirists are affiliated to UGC or AICTE institutions. They haven't tried independent intellectual education agencies such as IIPM. I would like to announce that IIPM is starting a full fledged 3- year post graduate diploma in satires," announced Arindam Chaudhuri, in a packed annual conference with IIPM alumni.

He said "These satirists are so stupid that they don't even understand that they are writing satires on the father of satires. (Arindam pointed towards himself)." 

All the students presented at the conference clapped in tandem.

"This kind of poor quality you can always expect from UGC or AICTE affiliated institution. I just want to change the entire scene. I want to improve the quality of satire, satirist and his target. I have no issue if they talk about some idiot politician, but a person like me which is involved in India's development process can't be targeted. That is the reason I want to start a course on satire. This will take India to next level of development. In this process I am going to use current staff of our institution to teach the aspiring satirists in their free time. This will help me in setting a landmark example of how to use available resources in most productive ways," said Arindam Chaudhuri.

In a very weird incident which could have taken any person's anger to seventh heaven, actor Rahul Bose showed an act of determination and forgiveness.

"Chintu just went in front of Rahul and started peeing on his pant. He also directed flow of pee on other areas of Rahul washing him properly. Then after he gave a mysterious look into Rahul's straight and strong eyes kicked him on his butts and laughed on him. However, Rahul just kept quiet and gave a smile at him. Thereafter, another kid came and did the same thing. The event continued till 49th kid appeared and Rahul gave him the same response of a smile," said an eye witness who was present on the MG Road.

He said "I was shocked to see Rahul's limit of forgiveness. Even I saw one kid slapped him hard and pulled out his tounge making him cry but still he continued his act of forgiveness. He forgives all the kids and move from the place."

According to sources, there are many kids and civilians searching Rahul Bose's address to give him a shot and see his act of forgiveness.

Recent statement from actor, Rahul Bose opened an important chapter of benefits of bad publicity. Following are the benefits and negatives of negative publicity.

Benefits of negative publicity

¨       Considered as a human being with a tail

¨       Considered as humanitarian

¨       Considered as creative

¨       Considered as intellect

¨       Considered as secular

¨       Invitation from limited special social status people

¨       Admiration from limited special social status people

¨       Admiration from powerful people like rapists and terrorists

Negatives

¨       Considered as dumbass hole

¨       Considered as frequently tracked animal by unholy mass people

¨       Considered as a special category animal to be inducted in zoo but because of few humanitarian reasons still living on the roads

Taking a major turn in the last moment, Catholic Church in Vatican City decided to appoint actor and intellectual Rahul Bose as new Pope to ensure the path of forgiveness continues.

"The world has become virtually rapist and we need a new evangelization. Bose's statement has just lightened our hopes that there is a guy who literally has the guts to go on road and give the message of forgiveness to all those which are victims," said Rev. Benedict M. Guevin said of the church's mission to better convey the gospel message to its people.

He said "Without learning gospel message, this guy say whatever we believe a messenger of peace should tell and therefore we unanimously decided to put him on the post of Pope."

According to sources, the next Pope was expected to be much more than a holy man, teacher and shepherd to the world.

The new pontiff must continue to address the clergy sexual abuse crisis and - perhaps most importantly - confront what several clerics call the "godless" agenda of the primarily secular Western world that threatens to strip people of their humanity and seeks to silence the voice of religion.

"Nobody is better than Rahul Bose to ask victims and society to stop seeking violent results from courts. Besides rapes we expect Bose to also talk about terrorism and ask each and every victim to let him go his home, forgive him," said Guevin.

Bose said "I am glad that Vatican City appointed me for this post and I also forgave it for not appointing me for this post 20 years back. People should forgive the guilty. Today only I forgave one kid who was pissing on my door and kicking my puppy. You have to learn the act of forgiveness from me."

Sonia Gandhi promised she would not sleep even for a minute until all the rapes stop in India.

"Mere Hindustani bhaaiyo aur beheno. Mein agle ek saal ke liye paach minute bhi naaahi soungi. Raul baba bhi naaahi soyegaa. Congress kaa koi leader bhi naahi soyega," said Congress President Sonia Gandhi addressing a large crowd of women gathered in Delhi on Women's day.

Talking to the crowd she told that she understood the problems of rape victim and her family and disappointed that the male mentality is not at all changing in India.

She said "Ye rapists log chuho jaise hai. Hum idhar se pakaadne jaate hai to wo udhar se aate hai aur rape kaarke chaaale jaate hai. Hume inhe pakaadnaa hai. Jaab tak ye pakade naahi jaate taab tak mein naahi soungi. Baba bhi naahi soyenge. Aur koi bhi naahi soyega."

Congress Party welcomed the move announced by Gandhi and said that they are committed from their hearts. They said that one year time is sufficient to implement Anti-rape bill in India. Even after implementation of this bill if the rapes don't stop then it would be a great non-violent message to all the rapists.

"Madamji's move that she would never sleep puts psychological pressure on rapist to not rape. It is an assure success to stop the rapes in India. Whenever that feeling of rape comes in mind of any rapist, he would also have feeling that Soniaji is not sleeping that is necessary to stop any bad thought in his mind. It would automatically stop him from rape. If somebody rapes and comes to know that great madamji is not sleeping even for a minute just to resist him from such heinous thing, a guilt feeling would come across his mind and spirit and immediately he would surrender to Police," said Congress Spokesperson, Manish Tewari.

Manish Tewari also told that a photo of madamji in Maata avatar would be provided through Aadhar Card to every human being in India so whenever a bad thought would come to mind just looking at her photo that would be resisted.

World renowned Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania announced specialised training courses of hypocrisy after its quick demonstration of scrapping Narendra Modi's scheduled speech.

"We believe that we manage easily how to justify all our actions and inactions that are highly objectionable and hypocrite. Therefore, we plan to introduce Management of Hypocrisy for students that want to succeed in their life," said spokesperson of the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.

The spokesperson said "We know that students require best of standards of showing hypocrisy on every step of the competitive world. Take example of ours, we are best as a hypocrite institution and therefore thought of more and more students benefiting from it."

Wharton earlier canceled Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi's keynote address at the prestigious Wharton India Economic Forum later this month.

The forum released statement saying "Our team felt that the potential polarising reactions from sub-segments of the alumni base, student body, and our supporters, might put Mr. Modi in a compromising position, which we would like to avoid at all costs, especially in the spirit of our conference's purpose."

The Forum is an annual student-run India-centric conference hosted by the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. Modi had been invited to deliver the keynote address at the Forum to be held in Philadelphia on 22-23 March via video conference.

Interestingly, Wharton appreciated itself for showing such great way of giving reasoning for its action. Earlier, the school forgot to ban George Bush for showing his action in Afghanistan by killing thousands of innocent Muslims.

When reporters talked Wharton management, it said "That was justice to what they did and the thing we know how to justify our actions. Therefore, we thought of spreading our best business to our students. We plan to offer Management of Hypocrisy from next season."

Showing his willingness on adopting some different things, Railway Minister allocated whopping Rs 540 crore to clean all the toilet seats of all the trains.

"That what something different I wanted to introduce in Indian railways. The toilet seats, whether Indian or English would be cleaned every alternative days by our efficient sweepers. I allocate a whopping Rs 540 crore for such cleaning work," said Pawan Kumar Bansal.

Reacting to his social activeness, all the UPA members slapped benches hard.

Bansal said "This must be something weird but I never saw a specific amount had been allocated by any of former railway ministers towards cleaning toilet seats. I would love to announce that I was the first who would be introducing such special fund allocation."

Bansal also confirmed that he would not effectively introduce toilet cleaning surcharge and it would be free of cost for the passengers. He told that all cleaners will be imported from foreign countries to give a neat look for the eyesights of passengers.

Hameed Abdullah took an extreme step to join Lashkar-e-Taiba, after his wife Salma slapped him for 20th time in last 5 days.

"Slapping me is against Allah's wish. How can she slap me everyday for some minor mistakes? I am so annoyed and irritated that I just decided to join LeT (army of pure)," said Hameed.

Hameed was ill-treated at home by his wife, as like most of the other terrorists. Hameed represents a troop from one of the small towns near Islamabad.

He said "It is fuc*ing and irritating. Everyday she used to slap me and abuse me for some petty reason, showing me that I was trash and totally useless. Even all of my friends got frustrated from their wives. All of them used to annoy them with different demands, asking them to go and earn some bucks with hard work. WTF guys! We are sent by Allah for some quick bucks and live lazy but interesting life. So finally we decided to escape from them and join LeT."

He informed that LeT chief Hafiz Saeed was actually married and escaped from that horrendous experience by forming Lashkar. He told India Satire correspondent that Hafiz Saeed went through an experience of violence from wife. His wife used to think him like a trash and punching bag. She liked to kick and punch him every time when he did some bullshit.

"After such a violent marriage experience Saeed decided to start his own firm with other male terrorists," said Hameed.

He said "It was a good idea of joining Lashkar and throw all of my frustration out. They give you AK-56 and what not kind of rifles to just shoot. Also I get bombs and different weapons which I heard when I was a kid. Many of my friends are also joining the army due to sheer irritation of our wives. At least we will get 700 beautiful virgins in the heaven with no annoyance from them."

India's dominant community which is against death penalty to terrorists immediately filed mercy petition with President Pranab Mukherjee for terrorists who carried Hyderabad blast.

"This time we wanted to stay alert. We were waiting for some terror attack and as soon as that happened in Hyderabad we immediately filed a mercy plea with Pranabji," said an intellectual who is against death penalty with a condition of anonymity. The person represents India's rich Soft Hearted and Swift Life (SHSL) community.

He said "Pranabda was astonished to see our quick response and he said that it was very early and he can't take decision immediately. He also told us to be patient and wait terrorists to get captured by Andhra Police."

According to sources, any death penalty generally goes from rigorous filtering process like from district magistrate / Special Court to High Court judge and then Supreme Court finally confirms it. However, there is always a chance for the culprit to plea for mercy with President. Usually, President analyses the process and take some time of 5-20 years to make any decision.

"We know the process is long and terrorist get some time for peaceful life. However, we want him to live him his entire life peacefully. Somehow our actions against Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab's executions were a bit late. But now we don't want to wait and immediately filed the petition," said source from SHSL.

Following the footsteps of Wipro Chairman Azim Premji, author and social activist Chetan Bhagat decided to give all of his wealth to Buffet-Gates charity. Azim Premji was in the news today for donating 50% of his Rs 87000 crore to Buffet-Gates Foundation. Taking cues from him, Chetan Bhagat who earlier said that he was not reachable to farmers announced all of his unidentified wealth to the charity.

"People say I am great, intelligent and popular author. But I have never done any charity in my life besides earning huge bucks from the royalty of my typical filmy novels. I think Azim has shown me a right path and therefore I thought of donating whatever I have earned, going to earn from royalties and movie revenues to this charity," Chetan Bhagat said in a press conference.

Chetan Bhagat maintained that he was popular still unreachable to farmers contrary to Rahul Gandhi.

He said "Sometimes I call Rahul. I used to tell him that I am more popular than him but I am not really reaching the farmers of the country through my books. I want to explore rural India and connect to them. I wanted to bring my writing closer to them, that's why I've also associated myself with films. They are more accessible to the masses. I therefore decided to spend all money to charity and even asked Rahul to do the same thing. However, he said 'no thanks'."

Both Warren Buffet and Bill Gates reacted to Chetan's decision with heavy heart.

"We are very glad that Mr. Chetan gave us all his wealth. I don't know what he will do after giving his entire wealth to us. Probably he would need charity. We require such small examples to expand our philosophy of philonthropy," said Warren Buffet.

Irritated with so called low IQ satirists and critics, great international management guru, economist, spiritual leader, philosopher, psychologist, doctor, business idol, management idol, economics mastermind, strategist, spiritual strategist and everything in one body, Arindam Chaudhuri decided to start his own internet.

"This is irritating yaar. Anybody comes on the internet and spits on me. Internet has become a very low life and cheap destination to share views. There is actually no intellectual sharing and communication. Look at me. Despite being great world known personality, any cheap chap satirist comes and makes fun out of me. This is fuc*ingly terrible as well as awful. I therefore thought to start my own internet where only intellectual thought leaders are allowed," said IIPM Head and thoughtful leader Arindam Chaudhuri.

Chaudhuri was talking about the incident of blocking the websites with weird and funny content on him. Department of Telecommuication blocked many web pages which made fun of him with lots of criticisms.

He said "Nobody understands real value of gem here. It comes when you feel absence of him." "Bloody, count your chicken before they hatched," he roared.

He said "Therefore, I decided to start my own internet. It will be on the floor as soon as I will migrate entire facebook and twitter fans to it."

Arindam Chaudhuri's internet will start with 'atg' instead of 'www'.

Talking about it, Arindam said "That was because of my great intellectual fans. They said from moving www means we have to take some name and 'Arindam the Great' would be a great way to start with."

Meanwhile, Facebook and Twitter approached Arindam Chaudhuri to take back his decision or at least allow them to set up their web pages on his internet so they would not face any humongous losses of migration of heavily

Opposition parties alleged that Indian Government took bribe from India's one of the leading satire websites India Satire for not blocking its articles on Arindam Chaudhuri. According to sources, Opposition parties plan to logjam the government in the Budget Session of Parliament.

"Shri Department of Telecom ordered to block some websites while ignored serious and damageable articles from the India Satire on Shri Arindam Chaudhuri. We want to understand how much money India Satire paid to the government for not blocking its own content," said BJP leader Sushma Swaraj.

She said "Almost every satire, news website and many other blogs have covered in the order but only India Satire has got ignored. We want to understand the reason why India Satire has received special treatment. Is it authored by some Italian guy?"

According to sources from opposition parties, the leaders of BJP were well aware that the India Satire has covered many articles on Arindam Chaudhuri which he might have felt offensive but readers liked those as they were funny, entertaining and readable. India Satire covered Arindam Chaudhuri and many other time pass and funny personalities like him extensively on its website. However, despite all these facts the Department of Telecom ignored blocking its pages smells some nasty thing.

However, government thrashed all these allegations and said that it never gave preference to any satire. Even Arindam Chaudhuri confirmed that he wasn't offered any money from India Satire to keep its site running.

"It is useless and funny site. I don't think I would have even scrolled through such an idiotic and stupid work. But going forward, I will keep check on this site as well and whenever I found any article on me I will order Department of Telecom to block the site," said Arindam Chaudhuri.

Indian Post, a Government body for delivering letters, couriers and money orders at cheap costs decided to restructure its working. The Post has taken criticisms over its late delivery of intimation over Afzal Guru's execution to his family very seriously.

"We are serious now. Whatever happened in the past is past and we assure you that Indian Post will be wholly restructured body. We are going to reduce the time line of speed post by at least 75% by appointing a special squad," said Indian Postal Service Chief, Manjula Prashar in an exclusive interview with the India Satire Correspondent.

Recently in a major event, Indian Postal Services lost its face when it delivered speed post intimating Afzal Guru's execution 2 days after he was hanged.

Prashar said "It is difficult to implement new ideas and techniques very fast. However, immediately after the criticisms we appointed KPMG as consultant. They advised us to appoint special squad of Pigeons. We are planning to take help from foreign countries and will buy specially trained pigeons for this critical job. Final announcement will come in next one month."