India decided to retaliate fedayeen attacks in Srinagar by sending its active paranormal force of died politicians and criminals to Pakistan and PoK.

"We have our 1000 battalions of paranormal force equipped with new arms and ammunition. They are ready with all types of nuclear and chemical weapons which will be used in retaliation of Pakistani terrorists and military," said AK Antony, India's Defence Minister.

India will send its force located in Jaipur Fort. The force has a team of 1000 ghosts, 500 daayan and 300 rakshas, comes once in the night at 12 am for training. The paranormal force of India is considered as most trusted military force which can destroy entire terrorist camp in seconds.

Antony said "Politicians, murderers and criminals who were died in the past and converted to ghost, daayan, raakshash, etc., they all join our paranormal force immediately. They are well equipped with great sort of training and can destroy enemy easily."

Antony said that the force is very patriotic unlike its behavior before death happens to them.

Antony said that in this kind of corrupt scenario in defence, paranormal force was a best option.

"We also afraid direct attack on Pakistani terrorists and military as we believe in non-violence," said Salman Khurshid.

He said "I never like in killing anybody as far as he is killed by some ghost."

Thousands of women rallied in Karachi accusing Lashkar-e-Taiba Chief Hafiz Saeed as gay and not giving equal rights to women to join terrorist outfit.

"I am sure, he is gay and therefore he doesn't want us to join LeT," said Salma, an aspirant to become a terrorist and play a major role in cross-border terrorist activities.

She said "Janab Saeed wants only Pakistani and PoK male for the terrorist's job. This is really unfortunate for not considering women for this respectable job. We all women are sure that his male chauvinism stems from his basic homosexual nature."

According to a source from Hafiz Saeed camp, LeT chief likes young men for the job are actually have to go from a rigorous screening from his taint in private. He was captured on many videos in disturbing positions with terrorist youths.

"Janaab Saeed never allows us to enter when he takes some good looking guy in his taint. However, we saw him doing dirty and ***** things with these guys and then only select them," said a sweeper requesting anonymity.

Many women from Women Rights Association of Pakistan (WRAP) which organised this rally are eager to join Pakistan's B-Grade Army, known as LeT. However, adamant nature of Saeed over not selecting them fueled a serious outrage among these women. This raised serious doubts about the nature of Hafiz Saeed among Pakistani women.

WRAP president Sara Malik said "We took a thorough research mission which gave us some shocking results. Saeed besides giving speeches sleeps with top Pakistani military officials, many ISI agents and a lot of terrorists. Now we want him to resign from this job and some straight guy to join as LeT chief and propose the equal rights for women in terrorism."

Hameed Abdullah took an extreme step to join Lashkar-e-Taiba, after his wife Salma slapped him for 20th time in last 5 days.

"Slapping me is against Allah's wish. How can she slap me everyday for some minor mistakes? I am so annoyed and irritated that I just decided to join LeT (army of pure)," said Hameed.

Hameed was ill-treated at home by his wife, as like most of the other terrorists. Hameed represents a troop from one of the small towns near Islamabad.

He said "It is fuc*ing and irritating. Everyday she used to slap me and abuse me for some petty reason, showing me that I was trash and totally useless. Even all of my friends got frustrated from their wives. All of them used to annoy them with different demands, asking them to go and earn some bucks with hard work. WTF guys! We are sent by Allah for some quick bucks and live lazy but interesting life. So finally we decided to escape from them and join LeT."

He informed that LeT chief Hafiz Saeed was actually married and escaped from that horrendous experience by forming Lashkar. He told India Satire correspondent that Hafiz Saeed went through an experience of violence from wife. His wife used to think him like a trash and punching bag. She liked to kick and punch him every time when he did some bullshit.

"After such a violent marriage experience Saeed decided to start his own firm with other male terrorists," said Hameed.

He said "It was a good idea of joining Lashkar and throw all of my frustration out. They give you AK-56 and what not kind of rifles to just shoot. Also I get bombs and different weapons which I heard when I was a kid. Many of my friends are also joining the army due to sheer irritation of our wives. At least we will get 700 beautiful virgins in the heaven with no annoyance from them."

India's dominant community which is against death penalty to terrorists immediately filed mercy petition with President Pranab Mukherjee for terrorists who carried Hyderabad blast.

"This time we wanted to stay alert. We were waiting for some terror attack and as soon as that happened in Hyderabad we immediately filed a mercy plea with Pranabji," said an intellectual who is against death penalty with a condition of anonymity. The person represents India's rich Soft Hearted and Swift Life (SHSL) community.

He said "Pranabda was astonished to see our quick response and he said that it was very early and he can't take decision immediately. He also told us to be patient and wait terrorists to get captured by Andhra Police."

According to sources, any death penalty generally goes from rigorous filtering process like from district magistrate / Special Court to High Court judge and then Supreme Court finally confirms it. However, there is always a chance for the culprit to plea for mercy with President. Usually, President analyses the process and take some time of 5-20 years to make any decision.

"We know the process is long and terrorist get some time for peaceful life. However, we want him to live him his entire life peacefully. Somehow our actions against Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab's executions were a bit late. But now we don't want to wait and immediately filed the petition," said source from SHSL.

India's Prime Minister promised country people that the UPA Government is committed to wipe out terrorism from India in next 500 years. In a press release issued by Prime Minister's Office (PMO) indicated that the UPA Government is serious in taking all the efforts towards ending terrorism from India and by next 500 years there would be no trace of terrorist in India.

"We are on the right path and 99% terror attacks have already been stopped. We expect that India will be 99.99% terror free in next 500 years," said Manmohan Singh in his statement.

He said "Right this time, yes right this time I promise UPA Government would fight against terrorist and in 2513 I commit that there will be no terrorist attack in India. I keep my words, note down in your diary. I said yes I said there will be no terror attack in 2513."

He said he was saddened by the blast news and immediately called security agencies to take steps against terrorism and also asked the deadline from these agencies which include IB, RAW and other internal and external security forces.

"I clearly asked them to tell me how much time they would take for vanishing all the terror attacks from India, as I am answerable to my countrymen. They said they are working on fast-track and all the agencies together promised removal of terror attacks by 2513. I told them 'Theek Hai!'" said Manmohan Singh

Moderate Separatist and Jammu & Kashmir Liberation Front leader Yasin Malik and terrorist leader Hafiz Saeed slammed each other and thrashed each other's nose and mouth in a sad event. Sources said that fight began immediately after Hafiz Saeed asked Yasin Malik to join as a spokesperson of his party Lashkar-e-Taiba, as soon as Kashmir will be free from India.

"Janaab Saeed asked Yasin Miah that why don't he become LeT's chief Spokesperson as soon as India declare Kashmir is azaad. However, Malik Bhaijaan couldn't take his words in positive manner and told him to shut his mouth as he wanted to become Prime Minister of Azaad Kashmir. Malik Bhaijaan also offered Saeed a job of Security Guard at the main doors of his office," said a source who acknowledged the entire event.

Hafiz Saeed came to mourn the execution of Parliament attack conspirator Afzal Guru in Islamabad whne Malik and some of his supporters observed a 24-hour fast in protest of Guru's hanging.

The source said "Hafiz Bhaijaan immediately slapped on Malik's face and asked him to keep quite otherwise would be killed with AK-56 rifle."

The event turned violent after Yasin retaliating Saeed's slap with a strong punch on his nose and told him to stop dreaming about PM ship of Azaad Kashmir otherwise he would be sent to Afzal Guru's place.

"Finally, after a big fight while both were bleeding, supporters of both the leaders came and rescued them," said the source.

Source added "Saeed Bhaijaan left the dais immediately after Malik Saab threatened him that he would call US military and take the bounty offered on Hafeez Janaab."

Pakistan Interior Minister Rehman Malik called this as a miserable event and blamed India for increasing rivalry between Kashmiri fighters.

"This is all Indian conspiracy to create issues between two prominent leaders. I am sure that India's RAW was operating behind the entire event," said Malik.

In a grand ceremony of Republic day today, Indian Government is planning to reveal the secret of its cold blood and genes of unresponsiveness.

"Yea, there are inquiries from many countries which really want to understand India's great power of remaining cold on any attack. We are planning to reveal how we learnt not to react and how our bodies are flowing with cold blood," said Salman Khurshid to India Satire correspondent in an interview.

Recently, India kept its blood chill after one Indian was died in Pakistan just ahead of 4 days his release because Policemen beaten him with animal approach. India's strength of remaining cold was demonstrated not just this decade but before independence when India remained cool with British and at the time of separation with Pakistan. These genes of unresponsiveness were fairly used by Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru against Pakistan and China who broke down Indian constituencies. This technique also used by Indira Gandhi who despite the defeat of Pakistan allowed remaining Kashmir in their territory. The same technique adopted by Atal Bihari Vajpayee with his Samjhauta rally. Now, the recent UPA government is also using the same cold blood genes to tackle issues like many terror attacks such as train blasts, 26/11 and killing of our soldiers and countrymen. The same example of cold blood India had shown with Chamel Singh, an Indian national, who was about to complete his five-year imprisonment on charges of espionage, has died in a Pakistani jail, amid reports that he was "mercilessly beaten" by prison staff two days before his death.

"We usually talk each other that at least India would take revenge this time. Oh no still it managed to keep its blood cold. Wow, such wonderful patience. We are really surprised to know how India manages to do such wonderful things," said Israel, Prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu.

Finally, after consistent persistence by all the countries in the World, India decided to reveal the secret of its blood. India will reveal the secret today in Delhi in a grand ceremony of Republic day where it allow world to collect its blood samples and further research them.

Salman Khurshid said "World is amazed that India is the most peaceful country with unresponsive nature. These kind of cold blooded breeds are found on deadly dead planets. However, to the matter of fact we kept it secret not to reveal it. We thought that our formula should not go in the hands of terror countries such as USA, Israel, China etc. which these countries may use to remain unresponsive to any peaceful terror attack. However, due to insistence of many other countries we finally decided to show the formula how we keep our blood cold despite the enemy might kill my neighbour's mother, wife, his children and all other people. Our blood is also design to meet the extreme situation criteria such as even the entire country is killed by Pakistani terrorists, their military or even their Police force we will keep our blood cold," said the External Affairs Minister.

Even many scientists are amazed with India's cold blood like characteristics.

"I don't understand how they can manage to remain cool despite serious attacks on country's sovereignty," said an Indian scientist requesting anonymity.

He said "These chilled politicians also manage to become rude, strict and hot blooded when their own countrymen gets angry. This attitude is really god gifted needed to be properly researched."

Indian Government said it is awaiting Pakistan's permission over disclosing all the evidences that prove RSS and BJP are terror organisations.

"We are waiting for their permission long back. However, government processes take time. Usually, these kinds of cases take years in Pakistan. But we should believe in law and justice and Pakistan will definitely give the judgment against both RSS and BJP," said a Government official, after Salman Khurshid confirmed the statement of Sushil Kumar Shinde.

The official said "Pakistan's judicial system is great. It believes in non violence as like its military and social organisations like LeT and JuD are totally in support with us to destroy the terrorism in India. They have also created forces that would counter attack on the extremists such as RSS and BJP till the time Pakistan justice will come."

Salman Khurshid who yesterday confirmed that Sushil Kumar Shinde's statement on Hindu Terrorism was based on fact said that he is unable to disclose the evidence as the case with Pakistan judicial system.

"Judges of Pakistan in consultation with military would decide what kind punishment to be given to RSS and BJP," said Salman Khurshid.

To reach to an ultimate zone of peace process and de-escalate the tensions between two countries, India's foreign minister cut his own head and presented it to Pakistan's external minister Hina Rabbani Khar to take home and use it as football. This way India showed its eagerness to start peace process with Pakistan again.

"I think we need to start with very firm steps to stop cross border violence. From my side, I initiate peace process with Pakistan by offering it my head," said Salman Khurshid looking at Hina Rabbani Khar.

He said "I am giving my head to Hinaji and let her decide how she can use it in the peace making process. Cutting head is as simple removing nail."

Looking at India's efforts to achieve peace, Hina Rabbani Khar became emotional and with wet eyes she said "I was sure that someday India would leave its notorious and terror approach to the world and would make right steps to achieve peace. I announce India Pakistan friendly Football match and Salman Bhaijaan's head will be used as a ball. I hope both the teams would play with great vigour and mark as a symbol of great human beings."

Salman Khurshid gave a friendly smile to Hina Rabbani Khar, cut his head with a sharp knife and offered it to Hina. He tried to keep it more and more circular so that it looked like football shape. Immediately, almighty cried from skies started raining and sent his own white and circular aura behind his head.