Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 11 April 2013 |
Posted in
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Special Guest Column
Today I am here to confess that my a** is burnt out of fear and I couldn't sleep properly because of continuous vomiting and loose motions. Still my a** is burning for visiting toilet for 10-15 times during last 2-3 hours. Reason for my loose motion is my fear that Court will put me inside jail or ban me from making any false commitments again. Hopefully! Court will not do that.
It was a special occasion for the Indian Judiciary when it issued summon to big business tycoon like me. But it is really an a** tarnishing day for me. How can I forget the day when I committed in front of God the time I received telecom licenses. I told him that I will serve people as like my mother and father. I will be their servant. I will give them a great telephonic and broadband experience and besides that I will appoint such representatives who would solve all of their queries with humbleness.
That was actually greatest day of my life. I was a kind of novice to the telecom business and wanted to say what an idealist businessman says to God. I also told him that if I don't serve my consumers properly, then he can punish me like a pig. I told him that whenever he finds something wrong in me or in my company, he can take a stick and start beating on my a**. However, God is punishing in some other way. It is like beating me in front of the entire public.
I am a bit humble and therefore I accept all my bullshitting. But that bad*** Ravi (Ruia), he is such an arrogant that he would never accept his mistake. Forget him. So let me tell you what has happened with me. Indian Court has recently put me in two cases. One accusation was about the additional 2G spectrum allocation and the other was providing 3G roaming services to new customers in seven circles where Airtel does not have license to do so. I know it was because of collective demands of all those customers whom I treated like shit and my customer service personnel which showed them that they are nothing more than trash.
Hey God! You don't know how much stupid services I offered to my customers. I literally showed them they are fools and made biggest mistakes of their life for choosing Airtel. One of the most idiotic things that I made was that I kept 7-8th standard pass out guys as customer relationship manager to save few bucks. Yea, interestingly that time I was the most profitable telecom company in India. But below my a** I wasn't aware that my useless customer service would pull me down to such an era. Just yesterday I went to Airtel Shop to see my empire. It was look like a desi Pizza corner, and counter boys and girls were just like another Pizza boys and girls. I forgot that I was in Airtel Shop and ordered a Pizza.
Hey God! I forgot my commitment towards you and my customers and therefore I know that you are punishing like this. God! I again commit you this time is my last chance and I will try to serve customers like God. I am their servant. My customer care department will be humble and kind, giving best of services. But please remove these cases on me.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 24 March 2013 |
Posted in
Opinion,
Special Guest Column
This is my first article on the India Satire and I am happy that what I want to share would be in front of all happy Indians. First of all I want to cry again over the security of my daughter in insecure Delhi.
I am also crying for Arvind Kejriwal who is on fast for reasons like higher prices for electricity and water. I am with him. I also give him my support and if he requires any help I assure that I will be there like his small sister. I also feel crying that my big brother is on fast and I can't do anything. However, I have ensured that his rally gets adequate power and water. But I don't think that more than one people would get water and food just he has started fast. I ask all Aam Aadmi Party co-workers to sit on the fast and allow other Indians to eat and drink.
I request Union Government, considering giving an honour to Kejriwal. In my dreams, I saw him getting an honour of 'Fast Bowler'. Wow, it is so sexy to call him 'Fast Bowler Arvind Kejriwal'. I have sent my recommendation to Soniaji and now it is upto her to consider it.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 18 February 2013 |
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Exclusive Column of Prof. Arindam Chaudhuri
Boss everybody is shitting on my face since I asked government to block few notorious sites which always used to make fun on me or criticised me. Despite my funda of low life king size, I have shown some humbleness to block some of pages which extensively covered my secret life and undisclosed level of IQ. My humblness still has not covered anybody. Why this partiality? The reason that I know was that nobody matches the level of understanding and intelligence that I have and that I am inculcating among the IIPM students. Ok forget this crap, I had a reason in my mind over blocking these only pages rather than sites first was unnecessarily blocking the sites mean other politicians would lose chances of free publicity.
However, that was not actually the only reason for blocking these sites. Other reason was to send a clear and strong message to stupid satirists and idiot indigenous critics to keep their asses on their chairs and start thinking beyond Arindam. Yes 'Dare To Think Beyond Arindam'. There are so many stupid low life people in the community. Why do you guys behind me only? Boss how much funny you feel that I look; still nobody has given you rights to cross your limits.
The message that I sent was generally had to be appreciated but these guys are so unthankful that they increased criticism and humour on me. Now I can see more and more content and more and more fun of me on the web. That helped me to think in a unique way and announced my own internet with a small funda of 'dare to think beyond crappy internet'.
However, I got congratulations and best wishes from many prominent personalities which really said that they were thankful for initiating step against nasty satirists. Journalists like Arnab Goswami, Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai, politicians like Digvijay Singh, Salman Khurshid, Kapil Sibal, Nitin Gadkari and businessmen like Vijay Mallya personally called me and thanked with promising placements for at least next year's IIPM batch. Despite all these great work I have done for the international community people think I am stupid. My step will only show that how does it feel when somebody kicks on your ass.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 31 January 2013 |
Posted in
Bollywood,
Latest,
Opinion
Today India Satire asked me to talk about new release Murder 3, which I believe would create a history in the Bollywood on maintaining a striking consistency in giving idiotic movies to Indian audience.
Yes, I confirmed to my audience that they will get same but this time more idiotic than erotic drama to watch. I have made same movie under new name with new more B Grade caste.
There is logic in my every action, which not every common head understands. Behind selecting B and C grade actors is not just a low cost reason but I can find an animal, a hungry and lusty animal who is ever ready for sex but never gets in my movie. So what do these actors get? They get same thing what my fans get. I take my actors and audience to the edge where sex is a step away but nothing happens.
I love my audience, which know that my movies never show more sex scenes than what I show in promos as like comedy scenes in Sazid Khan and Rohit Shetty's movies, still they come to watch.
I attribute success of Puja Bhatt, Mohit Suri and Vikram Bhatt movies to the lack of creativity and height of stupidity on the part of audience. I am glad that my audience is ok with few leg showing and few kiss showing scenes.
Please note that I have never brought politics in India Pakistan relationship. However, for sometime Pakistani actors are available at high prices and I avoided selecting them for what I would like to apologies to my Indian audience. Next time I will select at least one of those.
Thank you for listening me. As I believe this time also I gave nothing to readers but just showing hard biting teeth as usual.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 17 December 2012 |
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Pakistan,
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World
Exclusive Column of Pakistan's Interior in a leading Pakistan daily
I wasn't aware that Indian media and politician will fuck me so hard just for visiting country's few of Dargahs and Masjids. Guys, but you know we are not easy pigs to get cut down as you want. We have learnt special tricks in the privilege camps on handling the Indian media whenever you visit India.
Thanks to Dear Sir Hafeez Saeed who is our special trainer and it is our proud that he personally gives us training on handling the Indian media which is always running behind Pakistani politician and Indian politicians which are for no reason sings song of peace.
As now I am in Pakistan the most peaceful country for only politicians, I can convey my actual message to the countrymen and few stupid of India. Boss there was only one intention that let me come over to India and that was just to visit few Dargahs and meet some Mullahs, and nothing else. I also came to mock few of interesting that I feel. I don't know why you guys always feel that whenever we come we will discuss on peace making process. Guys! With every peacemaking talk we push some other agenda too. To Indian politicians, I feel you guys are so idi*ts that whenever we Pakistani politicians come to India we can say anything but never that we will give you this or that. We also show that we have all power to say while whenever you guys come to India you commit us that you will give you will give that. Boss, Manmohan, you forgot to tell me when are you giving the Sir Creek to my Pakistani territory. Don't worry my dear lovely Pakistanis. I ensure that whenever any such politician will come to India he will promise us that he would give us Sir Creek, free power and food grains.
By the way Indian media who told you that we hid terrorists. We generally keep them open. Ask Abu Jundal. But whenever it comes to talk about it in the international community we make faces like nothing is hidden.
Guys! Pakistan is a big tummy with digestion problem which either is diseased by loose motions or continuous vomiting. However, we avoid both the things. Indigestion is caused by terrorism in the stomach. But we are so equipped with special training course that we poo in our pants but neither of you guys and nor the international community would come to know that our pants are shitty. Come to Pakistan, visit our villas and watch our pants with dirty colours.
(Special Thanks to ***, leading Pakistan English daily for giving republishing rights to India Satire)
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 13 December 2012 |
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Opinion,
Politics,
Terrorism
After a strong reply to Opposition Party in Lok Sabha regarding the Afzal Guru's execution, Speaker Meira Kumar's exclusive talk to India Satire.
This day 13 people were martyred to save the Parliament. They did not sacrifice their lives for this, just to hang some small time terrorist. This is what I want to repeat what I said in Parliament. They just gave their lives just they wanted to give and not for any other reason. There is no reason why Opposition is wasting our time by asking why Afzal Guru is not hanged till date. My government is committed to Indian people that before we hang Afzal Guru, the government will search the exact reason why it has not hanged Guru in first place.
There is no reason why for last 8 years BJP is bashing our head on exclusive topic of Afzal Guru's execution. We ourselves don't know why he still there as alive and healthy. The reason should be found out in a due and diligent process. BJP could have silently asked us to appoint a special investigation to find the exact reason but by pulling plugs on the Parliament is no gentlemanly way.
I will have to notice BJP and Indian people that it was first of its kind of attack on Parliament in India and the world. Therefore, the case by default should not be solved in a hurry. Taking some time and understanding why he should be hanged, why he should not be hanged and why he is still there is necessary so that such incident will not happen again in the future. By taking adequate time to allow us to answer us all these questions we are actually stopping such a crisis to be happened again.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 30 November 2012 |
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OPINION
Asking us an explanation or giving judgment based on stupid freedom to expression/speech right is quite an easy thing but to be sure that it is really difficult for us to give explanation on every paltry thing that we do. As a professional lawyer first, I always had first thing in my mind to control the mouths of judges which always keep insulting great and most intellectual lawyers like us. However, when I became the politician I have to restrict myself showing my other side that reflects my humbleness and gratitude.
Now I am a communication minister, a more responsible guy. Though, many admire me for my naughty attitude I am still a very kind, humble and down-to-earth guy. I am a gem and outstanding model just like statue of liberty which is using every bit of freedom he got. I am also great guy who looks like Albert Aienstein just if we ignore the curly hairs part. I am so much intellectual that I cleared the long pending dearth of innovation in India by introducing a theory of Zero Loss. I have capabilities of monitoring the evils of society. I just don't monitor them I also put control on them. It is my duty to control people who with their all stupidity bash me on my ass like I am sh*t hole. As a responsible communication minister I also need to create an atmosphere for innocent people like me should have clear environment for breathing.
Dear Supreme Court I want to ask few questions. As a lawyer while I don't have any right, but as a great minister with huge popularity among intellectuals I want to ask you few questions. If you have balls answer me.
· We have right to expression whatever our evil mind thinks. But do you really believe that anybody fu*king idiot has a right to mock me?
· We have all the right to joke on Santa Banta but do we have right to joke on Rahul Baba who is more intelligent that paltry and sundry Santa Banta?
· While it is India's universal law that only politicians can say anything they want. But how stupid these mango men can talk on anything? Are they so mature enough to talk like intellectuals such as Suhel Seth, Arundhati Roy, Prahlad Kakkar or even Ramchandra Guha. No they are not proven intellectuals.
· And finally, just you got some cheap platforms like Facebook and Twitter to talk whatever you think, how do you become eligible to post any crap on admirable and adorable guys like us?
Hey Supreme Court, first give the answers to my question then only I will think to give you any explanation or not. Today's Mani Shankar and Mamata's case is totally a responsible use of Right to Express whatever fuc*ing you think and not what these stupid idiots posts any crap.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 16 November 2012 |
Posted in
Opinion,
Politics
OPINION
I can't express my feelings that I have been accumulating since the day 2G auction failed and government couldn't collect the require money to reduce fiscal deficit. It is difficult to measure my happiness as the auction failed by widest of margin that I expected. I specially want express my gratitude towards the current economic slowdown which was the major reason for failure of the 2G auction. Wow such an intense feeling that even Abhishek Manu never gets even after releasing orgasm.
I always felt that people are so stupid thinking that we are really concerned about the things make their life easier. Oh sucks! If that happens nobody would be happy in the world. Take example of A Raja. He found a simple way come here take the 2G license for free. It was a win-win situation. First take the license for free and then ask a foreign company to pay an exorbitant amount to buy a small stake in that company. We showed an easy way of becoming billion dollar company. As a populist government it was our first duty to build strong companies for the nation. We are a government and not like sadak chaap baniyas who usually charges for each-n-everything. How come CAG thought that we would have charged so much of fees on these small companies which were going to become biggies like Reliance?
Look at the estimate of Rs1.76 lakh crore. What stupid estimate that was? No company in India has such kind of amount to pay us. Further this is a no-profit and no-loss government and therefore it can't think from the profit making point of view. Therefore, A Raja thought of going in a unique way that was suitable for poor companies to apply for 2G license. Now this CAG measures everything in terms of profit and loss. This is the stupidest way of identifying the benefits to society. The government works in a simpler way. Allow to use natural resources for free of cost and collect the revenues from the middle class public. But CAG's way of tackling the entire issue was very complex.
I really feel that with failed auction CAG also lost the moral authority to suggest government that it should not make any losses by selling the natural resources for free of cost. We are selling water, air and sun light for free of cost. We started giving spectrum, coal and iron ore for free of cost. Tomorrow many other things such as land, trees and animals would be made available for free of cost to Indian companies. And in near future we will also sell you guys, you all guys at free of cost and then that time CAG will not say anything.
Today I am happiest man on the earth for not getting sufficient revenue from 2G auction to the nation. Wow! Such a marvelous feeling that I have.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 11 October 2012 |
Posted in
Opinion,
Politics
India's Prime Minister Manmohan Singh thrashed Indian people for mindless negativity about graft and scams and asked them to show some sensibility as corruption is an indicator of healthy economy.
"There is no need to cry everyday on the corruption issue. This mindless negativity only damages the image of nation," said Manmohan Singh, addressing the 19th Conference of the Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI) and State Anti-Corruption Bureaux in New Delhi.
He firmly said "Rather than making hue and cry we should thanks to all those scamsters who kept us in the world map as a big country where the foreign companies can dig more and more money. Our government's firm stand towards working on more and more such scams, promoting various corrupt politicians and officials would only attract more and more foreign money."
"This mindless atmosphere of negativity and pessimism that is sought to be created over the issue of corruption can do us no good. Better keep your mouth shut and allow us to make some more money so that if foreign companies come to India they would have to bring more money," he said.
Manmohan Singh also stressed that the scams and bribes are offered in a healthy economy where two hands easily changes money.
"It will not happen in Mogombo, Udove and Congo. It can happen in the fast growing countries like India. We have to promote it more and more, otherwise what message we are going to send to foreign direct investors that we are available for free and they will get entry in India without paying a shitty penny to us who have authority and power. Corruption is a big indicator that shows, we have power and without paying us we can't allow to make a business here. Same way when our citizen offers some bribe or some idiot ex-minister claims certain amount from businessmen by twisting some norms unusually that is also a sign of prosperity. Listen to me carefully, we have money therefore we have to get money," said Manmohan Singh powerfully, strongly patting on the bench.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 3 October 2012 |
Posted in
Opinion
OPINION Apologizing over his remarks on old wives, Sriprakash Jaiswal said it was when my wife told that I was wrong in making such remarks by showing me a danda I felt that I was really a stupid and idiot for making such remarks.
Madamji and God know that empty mind is devil's home and that is what happened with me. Just for mocking on a topic and make people happy I made such an idiotic statement. However, I didn't know that either Congress leaders don't have sense of humour or people don't understand such high level jokes.
Through the platform of India Satire, I would like to forgive all those idiots who misunderstood me and angered on me instead of laughing on my joke. Particularly, these human and woman rights idiots.
Dude, why don't you check the people like me who are now bored with one woman and loves variations can make such comment. And joke comes from the heart. Whatever you feel in real life and whatever you experience, you can either mock or outrage. While I strictly believe in peacefulness and don't outrage easily, I made the light of the situation by using my weird sense of humor. Last time I made same kind of intelligent humour by saying Prince Rahul can become India's Prime Minister anytime but some of India's dumb ass Congressmen just dumped me in coal again.
I am seriously demanding that Indians should raise their IQ and understanding of humour otherwise anything that comes as a humour or joke, they would react the same way. Madamji, I am dumbass because I made joke on Indians in front of Indians who don't have any sense of humour.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | |
Posted in
Opinion
OPINION
Messing woman means digging own grave in coal mine
He he he... don't mess with woman or she would send "..." to take the revenge. He he he, Sriprakash could have used my experience but he made the right mistake. Whenever you are in a woman related mess others laugh at you and whenever others are in the mess you can't stop laughing. These days I am in the second category. I can't stop laughing and laughing. Oh Jaiswal you are so funny he he he... he he he..
Jaiswal usually used to poke me why I didn't use condom. But the thing now I will have to ask him did he find a condom for his mouth. Now this guy is in total mess. The things seem to be messier than his coal issue. Now everything you should not talk in the public n yaar. I never talked about my affairs. See now its India Satire's platform therefore I am disclosing but it is not really public thing. My own affairs are at least 1786 and according to last count I have 4387 dudes as my kids. In spite of that only one guy claimed to be my son making me a better in terms of hit ratio. However, how much a dumbass this Jaiswal is as without even anybody had claimed to be his son or daughter, he himself raised the doubts in the minds of people that he must have something with somebody who is not his old wife.
I would like to give some suggestions to Sriprakash. First keep your mouth shut if you have had some energy. Second if you had energy and you did something that may pop up any time as like it happened with me then also keep your mouth shut. Third always keep your mouth shut as people are waiting when you open your mouth and they will just kick on it.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 21 September 2012 |
Posted in
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Politics
OPINION - POLITICS(After her second failed attempt to irritate UPA government, Mamata Banerjee raised voice against Mulayam. This is her exclusive column with India Satire Correspondent after her defeat against Congress.)
Khabo roshogulla, roshogulla, roshogulla. Kitnaa roshogulla khaaboge agor mulayam roshogulla hard ban jaayega to kyaa karoge? Yes Mulayam roshogulla is hard, hard like stone, a rock hard. Hard like tortoise back and hard like something or many other things.
He is hard and he is no soft matching all the qualities of Maoist. Yes he is maoist which I discovered last time only when that Pranab another maoist was selected as President of India.
That time I went to meet her. Initially, this guy told me that he always be there for sister and never turns down his word. But after just one day, forget one day within few hours he turned down his word comfortably and told when he committed me. That is hard stone who doesn't want to get behind bars. Yes he is stone and rock too. He is maoist. Total id*ot maoist. When I asked him that time you called me sister, he told that he received call from his Mummy in New Delhi who ordered him that Pranabda is like God and he should serve him without any hesitation. Wow.
Yesterday, also he told everybody that he would or would not support UPA government. I think at least this time this idi*t would keep his word. But as like maoist he again turned it down and said that to stop secular forces he has to support. This time also he told me that he got a call from Mummy early in the morning asking him lift his ass in front of few CBI guys and get some bash on it if he doesn't really support the government.
That reminds me the power of the most powerful person is always like hold anybody's balls in the hand and asks him for his revering support. Neither that guy would oppose nor any body would come to know. When will I become so much powerful? Hmmm
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 20 September 2012 |
Posted in
Opinion,
Sports
(Mahesh Bhupathi wrote a column on India Satire after AITA kicked him out of India Tennis for next two years.)
Writing on India Satire is writing from my heart. Whatever AITA had done with me whether it offered to play with bunch of idio*s such as Leander and Sania or I chose to play with Rohan Bopanna who never could pull up the tennis racket in his life, was totally my decision and I never allow anybody to tell me with whom I should play. By the way, it is true I have never seen Rohan lifted his racket over 90 degree angle. I know he can't take so much of weight. However, Leander can take weight of any kind of racket but he likes to pull the balls of others in his hands and not racket.
Forget my weird sense of humor, right now I am in a sad feeling as I have to show I am in sad feeling. Still I feel it really hearts when somebody kicks on your ass when your balls are in your pants unprotected and vulnerable. While the case is similar with me. First Sania kicked me out just to Shoaib who never picked a Tennis ball in his life, just she thought I was less fairer. Leander was also thrown out of her life because of his colour, not skin colour but the weird colours of his clothes. Now it hurts when AITA just banned me for 2 years and still I am not getting support that cartoonist Aseem Trivedi received.
So it is always a question what would I do post ban? Many suggested me for checking with District Magistrate, High Court and then Supreme Court. However, I am not that dumbass to make such move. Who would like to keep the judgement on hold for next 20 years. And if the court is going to remove my ban after 20 years, I wouldn't have capabilities to play even with my grand child. By the way, Lara is getting fat these days still I have to lie her that she is still beautiful and slim, slimmer than Priyanka Chopra.
Ok so question remains, what would I do post ban. Actually, I have a detailed discussion with Rohan Bopanna who is still incapable to lift the Tennis racket will join me in IPL auction. Actually, this was my plan just before Olympics to join IPL but no team showed any interest in me, despite my great shot making capabilities. I have an independent study with me which shows that my Tennis shots are 99% similar to any kind of cricketing shots, which includes huge resemblance with Sachin Tendulkar's square drive, straight drive and cover drive. I can also cut, pool and hook the tennis ball. So I thought of joining Cricket through IPL but couldn't enter. However, recently I came to know that Deccan Chargers is going to get shut down and therefore plans to actually send my resume for the next auction of the new team. Finally, I know I am the greatest hooker in this world and can really join an IPL team. Therefore, my great fans don't worry but I am there in front of you in IPL.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 10 August 2012 |
Posted in
City,
Delhi,
Opinion,
Politics,
Social Responsibility
New merged entity will be revived soon and agitation is planned ahead of next Parliamentary Session
Ramdev Baba finally confirmed that his Patanjali Yogpeeth has acquired Anna led India Against Corruption for undisclosed valuations, after many of his supporters shouted that he was copying Anna Hazare's previous year's speech at the time of agitation.
"Yes, now as it’s become a serious question then I have to admit that, Patanjali Yogpeeth merged Team Anna's entity India Against Corruption (IAC) with itself and now onwards Patanjali Yogpeeth will promote the brand IAC in all its agitation," said Ramdev Baba.
He said that both the entities though have different agendas their ultimate blend would provide great business to the stakeholders.
"Consolidation in the area of agitation is required. While now Team Anna plans to change the model, we thought acquiring their entity and clearly expanding," said Baba Ramdev.
However, he denied about mentioning any purchase consideration and method of valuation.
He said "We are not bound by Sebi's regulations and the entity would not have any kind of obligation to disclose the valuation area."
While besides promoting Yoga, Ramdev Baba diversified its Patanjali Yogpeeth into areas of agitation towards black money. However, after realizing that black money is the issue that can't be resolved without reaching to roots of corruption, changing CBI directors and CVC etc, he thought of adding these new segments to the entire portfolio. While region wise anti corruption entities are not lucrative and Team Anna's IAC is just became an eye catcher for the nation, and also Anna wanted to explore new areas, he grabbed the opportunity.
According to sources, Ramdev Baba has just provided a bit of small glance towards his wholly owned subsidiary IAC and he is very serious on reviving the loss-making entity by another agitation just ahead of the next parliamentary session.
