NEWS IN BRIEF - TERRORISM

Many Talibanis and Pakistani terrorists found Lashkar-e-Taiba Supremo Mullah Hafeez Saeed having sessions of masturbation privately after the execution of Ajmal Kasab in Yerwada Jail, Pune. Sources said that Saeed was acting out of fear that if he was being jailed again in India he would not get chance to secretly masturbate and would remain deprived for world's best stress relieving technique.

"Janaab Saeed started pumping his cock up and down furiously when I told him that Kasab bhai executed in India," said Umanullah Khan, a street beggar in Pakistan who is actually learning these days how to shoot using AK-56.

He told India Satire correspondent "I was amazed and asked why he was masturbating. He said that even I should seat their and start masturbating otherwise I would also not get a chance to do it. He told me that Indian Jails don't give privacy and we can't relieve our stress. He was on rampant just before oozing out."

Sources said that Kasab complained Hafeez Saeed from jail that he was not getting opportunity to have self stimulation sessions while watching many beautiful virgin girls in his dreams.

"That made Janaab Saeed for having masturbation at same point of time. He doesn't want to remain destitute of the pleasure," said a close associate who witnessed the development.

He said "Janaab also asked all of us to have indoor sessions every day morning, afternoon, evening and night so that all of us whenever found attacking any of the Indian cities would not feel like deprived of this opportunity."

NEWS IN BRIEF - SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY

City based Mummy Rajana found saying her son Chunky not to comment or like on Facebook which may take him to jail. The development came after Mumbai Police arrested two girls for posting and liking a comment on bandh held in Mumbai on Monday.

"Beta Chunky, Facebook pe Kuch bhi comment ya like mat karnaa warnaa Police aa jayegi," found Rajana telling her 9 year old son when he was not moving his eyes from Facebook page.

The shocking comment resembles popular yesteryear movie 'Sholay' when famous robber Gabbar Singh tells his associate 'Samba' "Pachchas pachchas kos dur agar koi bachcha rota hai to uski ma keheti hai bachcha so ja warna Gabbar aa jaayega."

Experts said that today Mummies are mostly affraid of law than the destructors of law. The word 'Gabbar Singh' is interchangeable to the words Kapil Sibal, Digvijay Singh, Manmohan Singh and now Police.

"This rising threat can only destroy the famous right to tweet or like," said College going Rashmi Pansare from Mumbai.

Delhi based Archita Sharma told that she was warned by her mom again and again not to tweet or like something that she thinks is funny or likeable.

"Because every likeable or funny or significant thing is against some political party like Shiv Sena, or some stupid politician, or government," said Sharma.

Government said that it would act in every possible manner to reduce this rising trend of calling Police as Gabbar Singh.

OPINION

I can't express my feelings that I have been accumulating since the day 2G auction failed and government couldn't collect the require money to reduce fiscal deficit. It is difficult to measure my happiness as the auction failed by widest of margin that I expected. I specially want express my gratitude towards the current economic slowdown which was the major reason for failure of the 2G auction. Wow such an intense feeling that even Abhishek Manu never gets even after releasing orgasm.

I always felt that people are so stupid thinking that we are really concerned about the things make their life easier. Oh sucks! If that happens nobody would be happy in the world. Take example of A Raja. He found a simple way come here take the 2G license for free. It was a win-win situation. First take the license for free and then ask a foreign company to pay an exorbitant amount to buy a small stake in that company. We showed an easy way of becoming billion dollar company. As a populist government it was our first duty to build strong companies for the nation. We are a government and not like sadak chaap baniyas who usually charges for each-n-everything. How come CAG thought that we would have charged so much of fees on these small companies which were going to become biggies like Reliance?

Look at the estimate of Rs1.76 lakh crore. What stupid estimate that was? No company in India has such kind of amount to pay us. Further this is a no-profit and no-loss government and therefore it can't think from the profit making point of view. Therefore, A Raja thought of going in a unique way that was suitable for poor companies to apply for 2G license. Now this CAG measures everything in terms of profit and loss. This is the stupidest way of identifying the benefits to society. The government works in a simpler way. Allow to use natural resources for free of cost and collect the revenues from the middle class public. But CAG's way of tackling the entire issue was very complex.

I really feel that with failed auction CAG also lost the moral authority to suggest government that it should not make any losses by selling the natural resources for free of cost. We are selling water, air and sun light for free of cost. We started giving spectrum, coal and iron ore for free of cost. Tomorrow many other things such as land, trees and animals would be made available for free of cost to Indian companies. And in near future we will also sell you guys, you all guys at free of cost and then that time CAG will not say anything.

Today I am happiest man on the earth for not getting sufficient revenue from 2G auction to the nation. Wow! Such a marvelous feeling that I have.

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

After announcing its plans for 2G auction by March 31, 2013, the government said that it would again-and-again take 2G auctions till the economic recession and telecom slowdown ends. Just when the booming period would be back the government would again issue telecom spectrum on first-cum-first-serve basis.

"By the time our telecom slowdown ends and more and more such flop shows of 2G auction, we will start alloting spectrum on first-cum-first-serve basis, a policy that guided by Hon. Ex-Telecom Minister A Raja," said Telecom Minister Kapil Sibal.

The development came after, earlier 2G auction lasted just two days, got total bids worth Rs 9,407.64 crore, just one-third of the minimum Rs 28,000 crore the government was expecting.

Sibal said "We are aware that CAG would again make some stupid calculations. But for the time being, these auctions would be good enough to slap how we fool on the face of CAG and Supreme Court."

Senior leader and UPA Minister, Manish Tewari said "I earlier asked the question where is Rs 176,000 crore to CAG. Nobody in the government has such a great amount of power to ask such question. Now I tell you CAG come and make these auctions successful. By the time we would complete our recessionary phase, we will back to first come policy."

NEWS IN BRIEF - WORLD

Doctors in Ireland confirmed that just by adhering law of God of not to abort a baby they would get direct entry for contesting as a Pope in the Vatican City.

"Yea it's a magic. When you have all the reasons and ways to save a person's life, if you let her die it is itself a big magic and all magicians are considered as saint. Therefore, we are saint and we have direct entry in the Vatican City," said a spokesman at University Hospital in Galway.

Spokesman said "We tried to save the baby and therefore God gave us this grant to contest elections of Pope."

The tragic death of Indian dentist Savita Halappanavar's in Ireland sparked a serious outrage and brought the debate on the abortion laws to the fore front. However, the hospital staff said that it was an entry for the genuine and godly hospital servants to serve the god directly in the Vatican City.

Vatican City is an ecclesiastical or sacerdotal-monarchical state, ruled by the Bishop of Rome—the Pope. The highest state functionaries are all Catholic clergymen of various national origins. It is the sovereign territory of the Holy See (Sancta Sedes) and the location of the Pope's residence, referred to as the Apostolic Palace.

While replying to the question of the India Satire correspondent that it would have been difficult for hospital staff to choose between a person's life and Holy Place, Vatican city, the doctor replied that it is an opportunity that comes in years and we wanted to choose God than a human being.

Talking about the duration it takes to become a Pope, doctor said "It is not an issue we can wait 20-30 years for current Pope to decide when he wants to meet God and Holy Jesus Christ and then only we would contest for the elections. Till then we have already booked our seat."

NEWS IN BRIEF - SPORTS

New cricket bat will help Tendulkar to continue his cricketing journey for next 20 years

International Cricket Council (ICC) agreed the request of The Board Of Control For Cricket In India (BCCI) to change the cricket bat size of Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar. The bat will have 1.5x to 2x more than his current bat and with half the weight.

"We sent a special request to ICC after Sachin finished his beautifully constructed and technically right inning against England yesterday," said N Srinivasan, Chairman of BCCI.

He said "In a genuine request we asked them to consider flawless record of Sachin for last 22 years and his unblemished great contribution to India politics. We also acknowledge them a fact that he was the only player playing for Indian cricket side with Member of Parliament's batch."

Srinivasan confirmed that the development was nothing to do with recent flip flops of Sachin Tendulkar in cricket and told that he felt it would be tribute giving a giant bat to a giant of the cricket.

"BCCI always think of entertaining Indian cricket audience. This way we thought that if Sachin gets 2 times a larger bat he would convert 17 runs into 170 runs," said N Srinivasan.

BCCI also confirmed that ICC agreed to its request and now negotiations are going on the size of the bat.

"ICC thinks that 1.5x larger bat is sufficient for Tendulkar as he is having great cricketing technique and sense while BCCI said that it is only interested in the longevity of the Cricket audience seating and watching his inning," said a top official of BCCI, requesting anonymity.