News Print and TV media is lobbying with jail authorities to get first hand information on activities of Sanjay Dutt whenever he lands in jail. According to sources, media persons became aggressive in scouting friendly jail authorities after Sanjay Dutt passed a statement that he would not go for pardon.

"I have got a call from Rajdeep just after Sanjay Dutt's statement came that he would not request for pardon despite social pressure on him. Rajdeep told me to collect list of all jailors, constables and sipahis of all jails in India and call them personally with request for information after Sanjay Dutt settles in jail," said Executive Editor of CNN-IBN, leading news channel in India requesting anonymity.

He said "Rajdeep Sardesai was quite enthused with an idea of showing news about Sanjay Dutt's food intake on first day and how he managed to sleep. He was interested in knowing the kind of mattress that Sanjay Dutt would get in the jail. Did he get proper furnished room with good quality mosquito repellent or he had to cope up with mosquitoes. He also wanted to get all the details about Sanjay Dutt from morning to night in jail exclusively for viewers of CNN-IBN."

Other channels such as NDTV, Aaj Tak, India TV and Times Now were also trying for getting good contacts with jail authorities.

"We are in touch with Tihar and Yerwada jail authorities along with all other major jails in India. We requested Jailors to give us a call since Sajay Dutt wakes up and goes to toilet, takes his brush and goes for bath before providing information to any other channel. We want to cover each and every activity of Sanjay Dutt to get our audience acquaintance with his daily schedule," said Pranoy Roy of NDTV.

Roy said "We also told them that we will show jailors and constables on NDTV in a new monthly review program called 'Sanjay Dutt behind the bars – Is humanity died in India?'."

According to sources, CNN IBN's Sagarika Ghose plans for different questions in her program 'Face the Nation' on issues that Sanjay Dutt would be facing in Jail.

Ghose said "I am eager to cover Sanjay Dutt's topic extensively on the channel as it is a major blow to Narendra Modi."

While many channels are aggressively bidding for a space for Sanjay Dutt in the minds of Jail Authorities, Times Now faced a major setback after Arnab Goswami called jail personnels.

Sonia Gandhi promised she would not sleep even for a minute until all the rapes stop in India.

"Mere Hindustani bhaaiyo aur beheno. Mein agle ek saal ke liye paach minute bhi naaahi soungi. Raul baba bhi naaahi soyegaa. Congress kaa koi leader bhi naahi soyega," said Congress President Sonia Gandhi addressing a large crowd of women gathered in Delhi on Women's day.

Talking to the crowd she told that she understood the problems of rape victim and her family and disappointed that the male mentality is not at all changing in India.

She said "Ye rapists log chuho jaise hai. Hum idhar se pakaadne jaate hai to wo udhar se aate hai aur rape kaarke chaaale jaate hai. Hume inhe pakaadnaa hai. Jaab tak ye pakade naahi jaate taab tak mein naahi soungi. Baba bhi naahi soyenge. Aur koi bhi naahi soyega."

Congress Party welcomed the move announced by Gandhi and said that they are committed from their hearts. They said that one year time is sufficient to implement Anti-rape bill in India. Even after implementation of this bill if the rapes don't stop then it would be a great non-violent message to all the rapists.

"Madamji's move that she would never sleep puts psychological pressure on rapist to not rape. It is an assure success to stop the rapes in India. Whenever that feeling of rape comes in mind of any rapist, he would also have feeling that Soniaji is not sleeping that is necessary to stop any bad thought in his mind. It would automatically stop him from rape. If somebody rapes and comes to know that great madamji is not sleeping even for a minute just to resist him from such heinous thing, a guilt feeling would come across his mind and spirit and immediately he would surrender to Police," said Congress Spokesperson, Manish Tewari.

Rahul Gandhi's speech writer Kapil Singh Bedi sacked, after an internal commission formed by Congress Party revealed that he replaced Rahul's speech with Manmohan and vice versa.

"We sacked him for his alleged role in replacing Rahul Baba's recent speech with Manmohan Singh and Mr. Singh's with Rahul Baba," said Congress Spokesperon and Minister of State of Telecom, Manish Tewari.

A high level committee was formed by Congress High Command was formed under Senior Leader Digvijay Singh inquiring the reasons behind unrelated statements that High Command should be vanished, dynasty politics should be stopped and Rahul was not interested in PM's post and marriage, etc.

Digvijay Singh said "Actually, the first statement of no interest in PM's job shocked Rahul Baba. Therefore, he has to manage the rest by talking something irrelevant like dynasty politics should be stopped and not interested in marriage, etc."

Mr. Tewari said "Whatever Baba said recently that he was not interested in PM's post, marriage and blah blah blah was actually related to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to show that he wanted to take Sanyaas from political life. However, this stupid Kapil Singh Bedi changed the speeches and he gave Singh's speech to Baba and Baba's speech to Singh."

According to sources, recent fireworks from Manmohan Singh in Parliament was expected from Rahul Gandhi speech in a press conference to show how dynasty politics is strong and can answer the allegations of keeping night watchman on PM's post.

"Everything was literally planned. But this idiot just thrashed everything and the blunder happened," said Tewari.

In an official statement released on late afternoon today, Congress said that whatever Rahul Gandhi and Manmohan Singh said last week was totally unrelated to their views and they reflect views of speech writer. Therefore, whatever they said should be not be taken seriously, as the documents were not received approval before from top 5 leaders of Congress Party, viz., Digvijay Singh, Kapil Sibal, Rashid Alvi, Salman Khurshid and Manish Tewari.

In an event that even surprises IIPM dean Arindam Chaudhuri, the UPA Government accepted all the suggestions from Arindam Chaudhuri's alternative budget. It took each and every suggestion that Arindam had made in his alternate budget presentation on Zee Business. The government removed all its own provisions and only Budget Paper of Arindam would be tabled in the Parliament.

"Yes this is shocking. I wasn't aware that the Government would take all of my stup*d suggestions so seriously. I thought I was just making some kind of time pass by presenting my recommendations. However, the government took it seriously, shocking!" said Arindam Chaudhuri, popular dean of IIPM.

Arindam Chaudhuri every year presents recommendations to Finance Minister on what he should include in the budget along with his expert opinions on different topics. These views also help clear the air on the curiosity of Indian public on what exactly his opinion is on certain sociological matters. While previous year, Arindam presented his budget suggesting Rahul Gandhi's alternative, this time he openly supported Narendra Modi.

Experts argued that accepting Arindam Chaudhuri's recommendation is out of fear that a big community would move from the government.

"Boss, he is the only dean who has Facebook fans more than 2mn. His open endorsement to Narendra Modi means, losing more than 2mn votes for UPA Govenrment. They can't ignore him," said vote bank expert, Yogendra Yadav.

However, Arindam denied all such allegations. He said "Facebook fans matter. But what a great intellectual person that is popular not just across the world but across many millions of planets say matters most. You may not aware but last year my recommendations were accepted by finance minister of Planet CRACK020420, a planet that is 43593mn light years away from the earth."

According to government sources, accepting Arindam's recommendations was the idea to stop him issuing such recommendations, going forward.

"Yesterday, Chidduji accidently saw Arindam's Alternate Budget program on Zee Business and suddenly went into depression. He immediately called us and told that accept whatever this guy is telling on the TV and send him a mail that this time we accept all of your recommendations but next year onwards stop giving your lectures and depressing us. You can put a dagger in back but don't give me your recommendations," said a finance ministry official.

In a grand ceremony of Republic day today, Indian Government is planning to reveal the secret of its cold blood and genes of unresponsiveness.

"Yea, there are inquiries from many countries which really want to understand India's great power of remaining cold on any attack. We are planning to reveal how we learnt not to react and how our bodies are flowing with cold blood," said Salman Khurshid to India Satire correspondent in an interview.

Recently, India kept its blood chill after one Indian was died in Pakistan just ahead of 4 days his release because Policemen beaten him with animal approach. India's strength of remaining cold was demonstrated not just this decade but before independence when India remained cool with British and at the time of separation with Pakistan. These genes of unresponsiveness were fairly used by Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru against Pakistan and China who broke down Indian constituencies. This technique also used by Indira Gandhi who despite the defeat of Pakistan allowed remaining Kashmir in their territory. The same technique adopted by Atal Bihari Vajpayee with his Samjhauta rally. Now, the recent UPA government is also using the same cold blood genes to tackle issues like many terror attacks such as train blasts, 26/11 and killing of our soldiers and countrymen. The same example of cold blood India had shown with Chamel Singh, an Indian national, who was about to complete his five-year imprisonment on charges of espionage, has died in a Pakistani jail, amid reports that he was "mercilessly beaten" by prison staff two days before his death.

"We usually talk each other that at least India would take revenge this time. Oh no still it managed to keep its blood cold. Wow, such wonderful patience. We are really surprised to know how India manages to do such wonderful things," said Israel, Prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu.

Finally, after consistent persistence by all the countries in the World, India decided to reveal the secret of its blood. India will reveal the secret today in Delhi in a grand ceremony of Republic day where it allow world to collect its blood samples and further research them.

Salman Khurshid said "World is amazed that India is the most peaceful country with unresponsive nature. These kind of cold blooded breeds are found on deadly dead planets. However, to the matter of fact we kept it secret not to reveal it. We thought that our formula should not go in the hands of terror countries such as USA, Israel, China etc. which these countries may use to remain unresponsive to any peaceful terror attack. However, due to insistence of many other countries we finally decided to show the formula how we keep our blood cold despite the enemy might kill my neighbour's mother, wife, his children and all other people. Our blood is also design to meet the extreme situation criteria such as even the entire country is killed by Pakistani terrorists, their military or even their Police force we will keep our blood cold," said the External Affairs Minister.

Even many scientists are amazed with India's cold blood like characteristics.

"I don't understand how they can manage to remain cool despite serious attacks on country's sovereignty," said an Indian scientist requesting anonymity.

He said "These chilled politicians also manage to become rude, strict and hot blooded when their own countrymen gets angry. This attitude is really god gifted needed to be properly researched."

A source, closely link to topmost producers of Bollywood cinemas said that at least 5 hindi film producers and directors read the news that Telugu superstar doesn't want to work in Bollywood movies. Source said that all of them were keen to launch Mahesh Babu in their movies.

"As many as 5 producers have interacted, confirmed that they saw some kind of news which states Mahesh Babu is not keen to work in Bollywood cinema. All of them decided to keep their plans on hold working with Mahesh Babu and may approach him after 20-30 odd years when he would be free and would want to take a chance in Hindi cinema," said a source who is close to big producers and directors such as Chopra, Hirani and Johar.

Recently, Mahesh Babu who successfully released a Telugu movie 'Seethamma Vakitlo Sirimalle Chettu' said reporters that he had no plans to act in Bollywood films.

Talking to reporters during an event, he said he would like to focus only on Telugu cinema. "I have already said that my contribution will be only for Telugu films," he said and added: "I don't have any plans to work in Bollywood."

"Mahesh Babu was not really aware that anybody would read the news that he said he would not want to work in Bollywood cinemas," said the source.

He told that most of the producers and directors who were thinking him to cast in their next movies as a mega star are now planning to skip the idea. These producers and directors include 3 Idiots fame Rajkumar Hirani, Aditya Chopra, Karan Johar, Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Abhinav Kashyap.

"Yea that's correct. I was thinking him to launch in my next movie as a grandson of Shahrukh Khan. I was in talks with Aadi (Aditya Chopra) if he postpones his launch of Mahesh Babu and let me launch him first. Even Shahrukh was ready to become grandfather of Mahesh Babu. However, now Mahesh Babu said that he is not interested in Bollywood I would have to skip the idea," said Karan Johar.

Aditya Chopra also confirmed that he had discussions with Karan Johar. He said "I was having argument with K-Jo as how he dare launching the great super star. I wanted to launch this bloody great super duper star in Bollywood. However, he took my permission after threatening to break the relationship with me. Now both of us are depressed as Mahesh Babu is not interested in working Hindi movies. But what can we do? Life should move."

Rajkumar Hirani, another successful director said "I was having talks with Vidhu how can we make bigger and more successful movie than 3 Idiots. He told me take Mahesh Babu in the next movie. I planned to postpone Amir Khan starrer 'Peekay' to 2015 and launch Mahesh Babu in this year. But sadly he doesn't want to work in Bollywood movies. But we are not disappointed. I think he must have huge pending work in Telugu movies. Therefore, whenever he complete the backlog after 20-30 odd years I would love to cast him along with Aamir's son."

Popular for making notorious statements, India's Home Minister took an extreme step and punished himself after comparing Delhi rape protestors with Maoists. Sushil Kumar Shinde pulled out his 6-ft long tongue and convinced media that as he would take action against himself he would also battle against crimes against women and would meet DGPs and Chief Secretaries on 4 January to discuss tackling crime against women across the country.

"Everyone will ask of every government… We should not go anywhere. Tomorrow 100 adivasis can be killed Chhattisgarh or Gadchiroli, can the government go there? It is because this is Delhi you want us to go there," he said in an exclusive interview with Rajdeep Sardesai on CNN-IBN.

However, after the statement was passed, Shinde who looked a bit conscious put his hand on his forehead.

Worried a bit, he said "Errr.... What did I say? I was not supposed to make this kind of statement. I promised Soniaji that I would not be saying anything damn foolish after the Jaya Bachchan and Bofors incidents. Oh Gosh! If I had replaced this tongue last month only, its validity is expired now. Oops! Rajdeep before action on any other guy I have to take action against me."

Suddenly, Shinde moved his hand in his mouth, insanely pull out his tongue from its root and gave it in the hand of Rajdeep Sardesai. Shocked Rajdeep Sardesai threw the blood soaked tongue in the dust bin near his chair.

After the incident Shinde cleaned his face. However, according to sources Rajdeep Sardesai immediately left the show and found critical for next 1 hour. After his recovery, the show completed with Shinde talking using hand gestures.

A hand gesture recognition expert who was invited to understand what Sushil Kumar Shinde trying to talk, said "Shinde wanted to tell that pulling out own tongue was the only punishment for the tongue which is uncontrollable and make statements like a rapist rapes. Therefore, to show the integrity towards nation Shinde took such a severe action against himself. However, Shinde also confirmed that as he was a very important person for the country, nature would endow him with new and fresh tongue in next 3 months. Till then he would carry a hand gesture recognition expert for his meetings with DGPs and Chief Secretaries on 4 January to discuss tackling crime against women across the country. He also ensured that he would take steps against other criminals."