Headlines

Kim Kardashian revealed that she is actually Gujaratan and that's why her figure is so stunning

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 31 August 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - WORLD
Kim said she would take tips from Gujarati girl to try to reduce unnecessary fat on her precious assets
Famous American socialite, reality television star, model and occasional actress Kim Kardashian revealed that her roots can be traced back to Gujarat as somebody of some of her relatives was Gujarati and that is why she is not eating much and maintains her figure stunning.
"Yes I am actually Gujaratan. One of my fore-fore-fore father or I think fore-fore-fore mother was actually Gujarati. That makes me Gujaratan and therefore my figure is such a marvelous posture of beautiful scripture," said Kim Kardashian to India Satire Correspondent.
Kim said she can easily say few Gujarati words such as Kem Cho, Majaa maa cho and Aitla maatey, etc. She can also play garbha. However, she felt more close to the community when Narendra Modi, Gujarat's chief minister revealed a diet plan of normal Gujarati girl.
Narendra Modi's said that middle class girls avoid eating make them look under-nourished. In an interview, he told that girls are doing such weird thing to maintain their figures at zero levels to look stunning.
Kim Kardashian said "Modi is right. We Gujarati girls hate eating. Either we eat more than required and become unmanageable or we are considered thin. Actually that doesn't  mean we are underweight but our figure is dazzling."
Kim who is possibly visiting India in Big Boss Series 6 said that she would visit Gujarat as well to get some insight of possibly good tips for improving her figure and tone it in a proper way.
"Yea actually, I want to take suggestion from Gujarati girl as few of my assets are becoming unnecessarily fat. I want to tone them down," informed Kim Kardashian to India Satire correspondent.

Taking revenge against verdict, Samsung to sell Korea and buy Apple

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 30 August 2012 | Posted in ,


NEWS IN BRIEF - WORLD, BUSINESS
Revenge spun Korea based Samsung Electronics announced that it will sell Korea to buy Apple Inc at whatever prices it is available. The company made the shocking annoucement after every road side guy started bullying Samsung's products.

"WTF yaar! Today my driver told me that he doesn't like to use plagiarised version of phones and tablets. Therefore, as soon as Apple launch its new tab and phone he will buy," said Samsung chairman Lee Kun-hee.
He said "This turned my mind insane and I just decided to sell lagging Korean
 Economy and buy Apple Inc which has high growth potential."
Sources said that Lee himself has fucked up using his Samsung phone which uses ridiculous Google Android Operating System and provides useless apps.
"Yea that's true. But what can I do? Till the time I am stuck to Samsung's ridiculously copied phone, I am not able to switch to Apple," said Lee.
"Just his frustration of losing battle against Apple led to take the decision to acquire Apple," said a source closed to the development.
Further the source also said that it was rival company's phone that also restricted him from using.
However, the questions were asked about how the company with profits of $12bn will purchase a mega company Apple which has market cap of over $600bn.
Lee said "I would sell Korea. That's the only option. As it is Korea has no stram left within as the economy is growing at paltry 4% is better to sell off and acquire fast growing Apple Inc."
When India Satire correspondent reached the Korean Government, the comment was Lee confirmed that he was dreaming buying Apple Inc and no such transaction is possible.

God slapped courts for sending criminals to him, Government obeys God's order

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
God slapped Indian courts for sending Kasab like terrorists to him by giving them death sentence.

"What is the logic in increasing the weight of my dustbin? I can't put all the trash and rubbish in my dustbin. I am not a garbage collector," said God, giving his special comment on Kasab's verdict.
He said " It is natural that size of my Trashcan could be limited and therefore whatever garbage I put in there sent by courts is choking it."
God has kept different bins for different waste, litter and junk. He identified trashcans for terrorists, dacaits, robbers and different lowlife insane personalities such as rapists, etc. He also differentiated trashcans between sent by court, killed by military and naturally died.
"I might have actually enjoyed keeping this garbage in my dust bin but the thing is it is already full and I am in talks with Google to increase the bandwidth of my garbage can, I need some time. Therefore, I requested Indian Government to keep Kasab for the timebeing along with Afzal Guru, for 2-3 days (In God's term 1 day = 10 years) and when the bandwidth of can increases I will put them into it," said God.
The government confirmed that it received the request of God and it said that it would readily accept it.

Buzzing Stocks: HCL Infosystems

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 28 August 2012 | Posted in

BUZZING STOCKS
HCL Infosystems rose sharply after it confirmed acquisition of Lenovo
HCL Infosystems: BSE: 500179 | NSE: HCL-INSYS | BSE Aug 28 43.80 7.45 (+20.50%)
HCL Infosystems soared after it denied that Lenovo was acquiring the company and said it is actually other way HCL Infosystems was considering acquiring Lenovo.

Finance Minister P Chidambaram appoints a committee to understand why the hell stock markets go up and down everyday

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 27 August 2012 | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - STOCKS, POLITICS
Blood Pressure like movement of the markets irritates Chidambaram
Finance Minister showed his irritation over the daily weird movements of the stocks and capital markets and appointed a committee to understand why it goes up and down.

"I was a bit relaxed while working as Home Minister. Therefore, I made a big bang entry in the markets. But now when I look at my portfolio its almost reached at zero loss levels. Still I amaze why the fu*k equities go up and down and who the as*hole makes buy and sell decision," said P Chidambaram.
He said as now I have a finance portfolio I am a bit busy therefore thought asking all my officers to investigate how the hell this market function.
A source close to P Chidambaram said "P Chidambaram is quite amazed with an idea that the market goes up then comes down then again goes up and finally comes down. He gets confused. Recently he asked an intelligent question that why the hell market doesn't stay at a particular levels through-out the trading session. He said that there is no need that the movement of market should be like blood pressure and heart-beats graph. It raises his heart beat."
"Finally, Chidambaram decided to ask his IAS team spend some time and work out the idea how to make flatter and no movement kind of stuff so that many heart attacks including his own would be saved," said the source.

Buzzing Stocks: Bharti Airtel

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

BUZZING STOCKS
Bharti Airtel rose sharply by 1 rupee after SP Tulsian recommended it to buy

Bharti Airtel: BSE: 532454 | NSE: BHARTIARTL | BSE Aug 27 249.101.10 (+0.44%)
Bharti Airtel rose sharply by Rs 1.10 per share after great Market Analyst and Stocks Guru SP Tulsian recommend it to buy at Rs245 levels. However, investors couldn't grab the opportunity as before touching 245 levels it went up.

How do you expect me to make same nonsense and feed satirists as Kapil did - P Chidambaram

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

SPECIAL GUEST COLUMN
These days I really feel stupid in front of Indian media. My words to their interpretation, it was a long process and it really sucks. They take out something from my mouth, interpret it and finally present it to world in a different way. Now it is common sense that if someone makes a bully why I would follow him. Sibal always claim himself as an intellectual despite from nowhere he seems. He is totally an inverse image of mine. While I am a humble, kind and hopeful person that guy is not really near to any of these words. Therefore, it is totally a baseless claim that I took his word and word in explaining my theory of subjective profits in coal in the way of objectively not achieving it.

I also observed that media is idiot. Last time what I told was buying tomato is not that expensive than buying a pizza. So what was the problem with that? Middle class can always buy tomato and bread in various shops and then convert them into pizza so that they would not really feel the ire of inflation. But this nonsense media again took it with its convenience and just explained the situation in its own way. So this idiot media can't understand what my statement was.
Now I will take with both of them Sibal and media. What did I say on coal if we recall word by word I told if coal is not mined if it remains buried in mother earth where is the loss? Boss thing is simple we issued licenses and after issuing licences we stopped miners from mining. So whatever we gained, here listen to me I am not saying we have zero loss or zero gain Sibal you also listen to me, it is not zero loss or zero gain, so whatever we gained is gain and neither we lost a rupee nor we lost coal. So finally we have all the gains only. Where do you find such an efficient government system?
That is why I told that we have no zero loss also we have no loss of coal. Coal is still in the mother earth.
William Shakespeare once told me "Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them." Kapil Sibal is of 3rd category while I am first so don't compare him with me.
William also told me few years back "A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."
Now to media my message is clear. I am going to consider an introduction of new tax in this year's budget. It is a Press Transaction Tax that will be levied on the entire process of Press which starts with a leader talking something, then press give him coverage and after that bullies him with its own view. This PTT will tear media apart and whatever fun it made over me for last many years, I will take the revenge.

Sensex fall after PM Manmohan Singh talked more than estimated 5 words

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - STOCKS
Markets took PM's speech as a serious shock
Sensex which was cautious in the early trading session, dropped sharply after India's Prime Minister Manmohan Singh completed his elongated speech, after traders took it as a shock and a negative surprise.

"We expected Manmohan to talk about coal scam in 5 words keeping it short and simple. But to our amazement he gave an entire speech with lots of unnecessary remarks and boring texts. Finally, we squared our long positions in the morning and the markets tumbled," said Sukes Patel, a trader from a reputed broking firm in Mumbai.
India's great researcher and authoritative analyst, SP Tulsian said "What I think is speaking so long is utterly a nonsense thing. I am saying this because he can't take markets for a ride. Investors are not in a position to take any negative surprise and this is a shock. How dare he say only 5 estimated words that 'I am not that guilty' in a long speech? We are totally disappointed and bored. He could have kept it short as like his twitter messages. We are not processed by God to tolerate such a long level irritation. I am issuing sell call on the government."
However, the entire process of PM's speech and market fall was so much correlated, that SEBI took a decision to investigate into matters.
"We think it is a total damn shit made by some businessmen sat in London Offices. Therefore we plan to appoint an inquiry under Agent Vinod to find out who sold the stocks on PM's speech," said a SEBI official.

Real immigrant Bangladeshis are confused about whom these Indians are talking about

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Saturday, 25 August 2012 | Posted in ,


NEWS IN BRIEF - SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
Real migrant Bangladeshis showed their confusion over the topic of illegal immigrants from Bangladeshis and asked whether why Indians are discussing that illogical topic and why not focus on their work.
"Who are these illegal migrant Bangladeshis? Why everyday media is posting some extreme leader's speech. We are all confused here," said Arif Zakariwala who was a trader in Dhaka but shifted to Mumbai recently as the city offers more opportunity.
He said "Why these people are making hue and cry. Its fine yaar they can go to Bangladesh and do job there instead of making a kind of rhetoric."
He said he is altogether confused whether people need to really focus on the issue.
He said "I never saw any Bangladeshi in this city. I am from Dhaka but I also never saw any Bangladeshi over there. Ghaash... I don't know how do they look or smell. But I never saw any kind of Bangladeshi in my life."

Sensex fall on negative surprise by Supreme Court on P Chidambaram verdict

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 24 August 2012 | Posted in



NEWSWIRE - POLITICS, STOCKS 
Indian markets which started on negative note on global cues remained negative through out the day incidentally closing at same level where it actually started its day. According to market sources, failure of Supreme Court to give investors any positive surprise by admitting 2G case against P Chidambaram led to market fall.

"We are damn sure that many positions might have built on at least Supreme Court talks tough on Chidambaram but everything went into vein," said market expert S P Tulsian in a television interview.
A dealer of reputed broking company without disclosing his identity said "What the hell yaar? Court cannot do this to us. We have built lot of long positions on Chidambaram admitting him into 2G case but all our aspirations gone to dusting."
While India Satire correspondent contacted Chidambaram he admitted that stock markets are speculative in nature and cannot predict them.

Twitter reveals why Milind Deora's account got suspended

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
It was typo of Deora which created blunder and US guys suspended his account - Twitter
Apologising for mistakenly suspending the account of Milind Deora, India's minister of state of communications and information technology, Twitter official said that it was account holder's typographical error of 'cunt' instead of 'cut' made them suspending his account.
"Actually, Mr. Deora mistakenly typed 'cunt' instead of 'cut' which made us think that it was a mockery Governmen't announcement in a hideous way. Therefore, we closed the account believing that it was a fake account," said a Twitter official, without disclosing his name.
Milind Deora yesterday posted twit that Govt would cunt subsidies after 2014 or thereafter. Twitter is used to see many satires and jokes on its own platform mocking government's serious efforts of curtailing its expenditure and reduce fiscal deficit.
Official said "We apologise Mr. Deora and would request him to hold down for a while we shall start his account as soon as possible."
However, the account suspension drew serious outrage of Milind Deora who said "It's fuc*ing yaar. I like suspending people neither I wanted to get suspended . How can Twitter do that? It has to say sorry to me." 

PMO asked Times of India and Hindustan Times to stop allowing comments on Govt related articles or will shut their sites

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 23 August 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS, SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
HT found solution, to replace abusive content with sugary word automatically
After a great win against Twitter, which agreed to remove 6 fake PM accounts the government now put its sword on two leading news paper websites of Times of India (TOI) and Hindustan Times (HT) over allowing lakhs of users to pass insulting comments on each and every article related to government. These two websites were earlier accused of behaving as PR agencies of the government. However, the accusations are not proved till death. It is said that the Twitter will remove @Indian_pm, @PMOIndiaa, @dryumyumsingh, @PM0India accounts along with two others.
"The guys who pass the comments on each and every article on TOI and HT are idiots. They use any kind of foul language. Our real concern is how these levels of reputed news papers such as TOI and HT allow them to call somebody stup*d, id*ot and what not ridiculous hindi gaaliyan. Therefore finally we issued a warning to these two newspapers and asked them to remove all the comments from the articles their websites which are abusive, insulting and derogatory for the PM, Rahul Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi, Congress Pary and other Senior Congress Party leaders," said the prime minister's communications adviser, Pankaj Pachauri.
He said "We forwarded a written warning cum request to these news papers that either they remove the comments or their websites would be shut down permanently."
While TOI spokesperson was unavailable for the comment, HT spokesperson said "How can we remove the comments? If we remove each and every abusive and insulting comment on the government, we will have to remove all the content and make our website totally unfriendly to users."
The spokesperson said "100% of the comments are abusive for the government and all their representatives. Otherwise we were first to remove them. However, we sent a solution to the government that each and every abusive word would be replaced automatically by some sweet and sugary coated word like if somebody is calling id*ot it would be reflected as intelligent, and if somebody is calling f*ker it would be replaced by the word sexy."
The government is yet to respond to the suggestion and forwarded HT's request to BJP for taking decision on whether to oppose it or not.

Queen Elizabeth at least relieved that Prince Harry is not gay

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 22 August 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - WORLD
Pictures showing Prince Harry and a young woman naked in a Las Vegas hotel room gave an immense happiness and relief to Queen Elizabeth who was earlier damn sure that Harry was gay.
"I am relieved. Prince is not gay he is straight. Though I can't see the length of his libido, I am now damn sure that he would not be entitled as the first gay King of Britain," said Queen Elizabeth with her no nonsense and still mysterious face.
The two photos of the 27-year-old royal, on gossip website TMZ, were taken on a private break with friends over the weekend.
The site reported that the prince was in a group playing "strip billiards".
Queen said "He he he he, strip billiards is funny game. I used to play with my dearest king when I was young. Now-a-days, I have to watch full cloth useless Olympics."
She told India Satire Correspondent in an exclusive interview that why she felt tremors of fear when she realised that Harry might be a gay.
"Whenever I used to see Harry's face, I used to feel like he has gay gesture something tempting and inviting towards male only. But thank God he is not gay. Charles look quite straight but not Harry," she said.
She was talking to India Satire correspondent over the real issues she foresee and happy that Harry would not be part of it.
Queen finally told correspondent "I think royal family is seriously moving towards the gay culture as the faces of each of new born baby pretends the same way. Features are getting deteriorated, first Charles, now Harry, and for God knows who would be other. I am happy that at least in my life I would not see any gay from my family."

Maharashtra Home Minister RR Patil will be recognised as Social Security Guards Minister instead of Home Minister

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , , ,

TOP STORY - POLITICS
Mumbai: Maharashtra
ACP Vasant Dhoble will act as Social Security Guard
After MNS Chief Raj Thackeray threw all the mud on Maharashtra's Home Minister RR Patil and Deputy Commissioner of Police Arup Patnaik that they failed to rescue Mumbai from the riots happened on August 11, Maharashtra State Government is seriously thinking on changing the name of their portfolios to give them adequate recognition.
"What is the logic? If somebody is good in particular thing, we should call him that way instead of confusing ourselves with some other macro terminology. RR Patil is good with social security handling as like sending back Bar girls to their respective states then asking dosawalas to shut their shops in the night. This is his core handling and therefore the government decided to call Home Ministry of Maharashtra as Social Security Guard Ministry," said State Chief Minister Prithviraj Chavan.
RR Patil has contributed remarkably to shut the immoral night life of Mumbai, in spite of a lot of criticisms. He appointed ACP Vasant Dhoble as a Social Security In Charge while Arup Patnaik as Superitendent of Social Security In Charge. However, his presence could hardly helped sending back Bangladeshi immigrants or stopping Pakistani terrorists from visiting Mumbai.
Chavan said "Yea that's true. Bangladeshi immigrants and Pakistani terrorists are self sustaining issues. We have already shown that. Last time Patil resigned from his post of Home Ministry when Kasab along with his few friends visited Mumbai, we inducted him again. That time before resigning his post he actually resolved the issue of dance bar girls in no time and secured social life of Mumbaikars. Now while he was doing his job of shutting down the shitty night life of Mumbai, this idiotic riots came. Therefore, we decided to make his job more focus and worthy of doing something and asked him to focus on social security portfolio."
According to sources, RR Patil immediately accepted the offer and eventually ACP Vasant Dhoble was shifted to the post of Security Guard.
"I am happy," said shy RR Patil "I am happy with the offer. Social security is what I like since my childhood. I used to clean noses of my friends to look them clean, I also used to clean my own UGs so that it could not harm any of my other friends by germs. I used to clean my hands by using Dettol. I am 99.99% germ free. When I entered in a teenage I started cleaning my social profile. I started using white shirt and white pant. Even my UGs are damn white coloured by Ujala Blue. Now getting the Social Security Guard Ministry is actually my dream come true."

PMO blocked Jalandhar's Manmohan Singh for using PM's name since his birth and looking idiot

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 21 August 2012 | Posted in , ,

NEWS IN BRIEF: POLITICS
Jalandhar: Punjab
PMO will also charge huge fine for making mockery of PM's name based on retrospective method
While relooking its Twitter strategy by planning to block few twitter accounts, Prime Minister's Office (PMO) of India banned Jalandhar based Manmohan Singh for looking actually a living parody of India's Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.
"How can somebody named Manmohan Singh look so stupid and idiot while actual Manmohan Singh is so serious, shy and calm looking guy. Disgusting," said an official of PMO without disclosing his name.
He said "We might have faced some problems blocking twitter ids but blocking this useless guy is easier for us. We are going to give him some another name and would put him in jail for using Manmohan Singh's name and give a handful over there. We also plan to take his Mummy and Daddy to the court so that they should also get punished for giving such a seriously important name to such a ludicrous and whimsical looking guy."
The PMO is also plan to charge him huge penalty based on retrospective method since his birth for using Prime Minister's name.
"Yes we shall charge him a fine for using Dr. Manmohan Singh's name since his birth and that too retrospectively," said official.
 "We are fine with parody, even though at times it is in bad taste, and there is criticism of the government. But we cannot allow anyone to misrepresent the PM's name to a nonsense person," he said.
When India Satire Correspondent reached Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh for his comments, he nodded the development moving his head up and down for a while. However, besides that he avoided anything to talk about it.
Jalandhar based Manmohan Singh who has become victim of parodising the great post of PM said "Oye, what the hell is this? How does it matter my name Manmohan Singh? Oye I want to file a case against Prime Minister for using my name and embarrassing me everywhere. Whoever hears my name tries to confirm whether I can speak or not. Oye people look at me with bad taste."

Beni Prasad Verma is happy for dishonoring flag as Gehna Vashist at least received required attention from public

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Said that he is like iron rod for her whenever security part concerns
Beni Prasad Verma who recently expressed his happiness for farmers that high inflation benefits them, said he is immensely gratified for Gehna Vashishth, an unknown model who is now occupying space with Shahrukh Khan on alleged dishonor of the India's flag.
"That's good! UPA Government's policy is to provide employment to deprived and hungry segment. I am happy for Gehna who is receiving immense publicity and occupying space with Shahrukh Khan that great Poonamji Pandey couldn't. May she become more popular than Poonam Pandey and Rakhi Sawant," said Beni Prasad Verma.
Talking about insulting the Tricolour, Beni Prasad Verma said "What is more important is comprehensive policy measure of UPA government which generally likes to provide employment and required attention. I am happy that Gehnaji is receiving that happiness, in my term. I am with her as like a steel rod whenever she requires help."

Shahrukh Khan said alleged YouTube video of dishonouring flag is morphed

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS WIRE: BOLLYWOOD
Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde showed fingers towards Pakistan for morphing video

(Shahrukh Khan claimed that the actor for dishonouring the national flag while celebrating Indian cricket team's victory in the World Cup final held on on April 2, 2011 was morphed and needs an inquiry.
Social worker Ravindra Brahme (40) has lodged an FIR against the actor, after he came across this act by watching a video on You Tube uploaded by a news website which shows SRK holding the flag upside down.
India's Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde confirmed that he suspects hand of Pakistan intelligence agency and terrorist organisation in morphing the video and told Pakistan Government that he would supply adequate proofs.)

Beni Prasad Verma condemned himself in his letter to Sonia Gandhi

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

OPINION: POLITICS
People believe sometimes I am seriously idiot  just when people start believing that Congress Senior Leaders IQ is improving - Beni Prasad Verma
Union Steel Minister Beni Prasad Verma sent a copy of letter to India Satire which he forwarded to Congress Supremo Sonia Gandhi after back to back disastrous speeches he made yesterday, one was considering fight between Rahul Gandhi and Narendra Modi and second saying food inflation makes him happy. In this letter he confirmed that he seriously believed he is a damn idiot and stupid sometimes while his iron rod kind of attitude works against the party many times.
Beni Prasad Verma's letter to Sonia Gandhi
"Madamji, it looks stupid to say sorry again and again but neither you can help nor me, myself and the iron rod that fixed in my bloody brain which doesn't work sometimes. Today I will say sorry to you tomorrow again I will make some stupid statement to prove I have dickhead instead of head, therefore this time I skip sorry.
Two of my statements created ruckus and laughter across India, making the country which is going through a series of serious events to laugh for some time. However, though I am not joker or I have very stupid and weird sense of humor I would love to say that sometimes it is better to listen to me rather than understanding bubble-o-gum language of Mulayam Singh Yadav.
Ok now it would be better I would analyse myself through this letter to prove how I am stupid and idiot. But before that I urge not to send this letter to Sibal as he would block this letter too. Tell him that people start believing I am idiot when they start expecting that at least this time Congress Party Leaders IQ will improve.
So for stupidity there requires 3 criteria to fulfill
1 Stupidity doesn't need to be a continuous syndrome; one can prove he is stupid in public every 6-9 months.
2 There is no need to tell somebody else that I am stupid. I feel it myself. I feel it when I throw idiot bombs from my mouth and actually realize after wards.
3 When my statement proves that collectively the group or my party is stupid too.
Madamji, I fulfilled all the above three conditions and want to ensure that my stupidity can go rising more and more. Finally what is important is to open the mouth and make some nonsense statement and keep audience happy.
Madamji, I would love to tell you that stupidity however, should provide great positive outcomes so that making such fuckingly idiotic statements gives collective better results to our party.
Yesterday, one woman called me congratulating that Rahul Baba is the right candidate for her to consider her third love life, as he looks sweeter than Narendra Modi. Yes Madam, that's true. As I provided only 2 options to Indian voters, most of the female voters are considering voting for Congress Party so that Rahul Baba can become Prime Minister.
In another incident, one farmer called me and demanded a lot of hugs and kisses so that he can express his appreciation over my statement that our party is caring about farmers. I told him come anytime to my house I will give you lots of kisses and hugs.
So Madamji, still I feel my stupidity is well known but the results are not quantifiable, unidentifiable and a lot sexy. With my integrity and level of loyalty to the party my stupidity would increase, that is what I promise you."
(The story is totally fictitious and fake so don't take it seriously)

Buffalos lobbying for considering Sonakshi Sinha's weight as benchmark for the nutritional levels in India

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - BOLLYWOOD
Buffalos feel that calling buffalo to a lady would see reversal process after releasing Joker
Indian buffalos are lobbying with the government to consider recent bombshell of Bollywood, Sonakshi Sinha's weight as the nutritional levels. The decision came after a Haryana based buffalo, named Manisha watched Sonakshi Sinha dancing in her upcoming movie Joker.
"Hmmmmaaaaaa hmmmaaaa, I was shocked watching Sonakshi. I felt she weighs more than me still she was able to dance on the floors. I thought of discussing the issue with our lobby and try to get some relaxation from the government over malnutrition in our community," said Manisha.
A study shows that 85% of female buffalos are slimmer than Sonakshi Sinha, which is again proved in movie promos of Joker.
"The example can set a wrong precedent among the people," said Manisha "We had a glorious history of comparing women with us. We heard that many look-a-like women were used to call as 'bhains'. But Sonakshi's example can set a wrong precedent. And comparison of our body weights only shows that we are underweight and want to regain our status."
"We were unaware of this that a lady is overweight than us. This fact makes us quite unconscious. Earlier, few fatty good looking female were called as 'bhains' but now after watching Sonakshi, we think that the process is in a serious reversal," said Aayesha, President of Buffalo's Association of Lobbying in India (BAIL).
Aayesha told India Satire Correspondent "I am affraid that looking at me our community would start calling me 'Sonakshi'."

RBI Governor Subbarao demanded pay hike to tackle the rising prices

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 14 August 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - BUSINESS
Subbarao also disclosed the reason why he is not reducing interest rates
Reserve Bank of India Governor Duvvuri Subbarao reiterated his concern about inflation on Monday, saying that this time it not just remained above the central bank's comfort level, but his wife as well.
"Pa Urmila is every day shouting on my ears that prices of coconut increased, prices of karipatta and itly increased. Yesterday, she told me that I would not get curd rice as curd and milk prices rose sharply," said Subbarao to India Satire correspondent.
The RBI Governor also stated his helplessness towards reducing interest rates to boost the economic growth rate.
He said "Arey pa, Urmila told me that if I reduce interest rates and because of that if the inflation goes up she will throw out of my home."
Subbarao confirmed that he sent a letter to Indian Government asking it to raise his pay.
"Yea I sent a letter requesting my pay hike in the middle of the year. What other thing would I do then?  Better increase my pay or else the government will have to face my agitation," said Subbarao.

Gopal Kanda found in Ramdev Baba's protest rally

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 13 August 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Exclusive footage with India Satire
Former Haryana Minister Gopal Kanda who is wanted in connection with the suicide of former flight attendant Geetika Sharma found in Ramdev Baba's protest rally. India Satire has an exclusive footage of Kanda's presence in Ramdev Baba's agitation against corruption. India Satire has sent the photograph of Kanda to Delhi Police which has moved for more investigation.
"While I was just talking to Ramdev Baba, our photographer took a snap. However, he missed the face of Gopal Kanda who was present at the time there," said India Satire Correspondent Feky Singh.
He said "When we checked the snap for print purpose we identified Kanda's face and just immediately forwarded it to Delhi and Haryana Police."
Feky Singh was in a process to make a satire on Ramdev Baba's agitation. However, after watching Kanda's face as a socially responsible satire correspondent he sent the snap to Delhi Police.
Assistant Commissioner of Delhi Police, Aiash Mohammad said "Yes we received the snap and we are investigating further. As it has received from satirist first we have to send it for forensic report. Then we shall try to get him in the agitation march."

After silver medal Sushil Kumar to teach Sushil Kumar Shinde art of defence

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 12 August 2012 | Posted in ,


NEWS IN BRIEF- OLYMPICS
After winning silver medal, Sushil Kumar plans to teach the art of defence to India's Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde and Defence Minister A K Antony.

"Yes, that is my first priority now. I had a vision to win a medal in Olympics and now the next thing I want to do is to teach Sushil Kumar Shinde how to protect people from riots, naxalites and terrorists attacks. I will also show the art of defence to A K Antony so that he can be more vigilant towards India's security," said Sushil Kumar after winning the silver medal in London Olympics. He disclosed his intentions to India Satire correspondent immediately after receiving medal.
India Satire is trying to reach to the reactions of both the ministers which are right now on weekend holiday.
However, busy Sushil Kumar said "Both of them need to look a bit fit and powerful. I always feel they are like sucked mango, no energy and no fitness. Ekdum, dheele and loose. Therefore, I decided to take this step."

Indian Government announces compulsory learning course of art of how to save oneself from riot

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

Govt to import Sparta like shields for its citizens
NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Government will also issue shields to citizens to secure themselves
Fucked up by different riots and thereby rising work pressure led to Indian ministers announced a special course of how to defend oneself from a riot or some stupid violence. This course will be a 5 years compulsory, non-negotiable and non-transferable course for the schooling children and will be implemented along with Right To Education Law.

"It will be a Right to Defend from Riot Law and will be compulsory for everybody under the age 5. We shall teach a man of the age of 5 years to 10 years how to defend when somebody comes to you with stones, bullets, kerosene wrappers and different other arms and ammunitions such as chopper etc," said India Education and HRD Minister Kapil Sibal.
He said "I am fucked up yaar because of these routine riots. Everyday, I am losing at least 5-6 hairs from my head. Life sucks yaar. How much work I would do? Looking at my hectic life Sushil Kumar Shinde told me to just implement this idea from schooling itself so that whatever 4-5 hair are remaining on his head will remain over there."
Sushil Kumar Shinde also confirmed the development and told that he was really glad that if such course implemented in India it would become riot free within years as like it became polio free.
"Guys, see I don't want to take some stupid responsibilities of the inefficiency of a small constable. If he doesn't carry his gun properly then what the fucking thing I do. See this is a serious issue and not kiddish one. Also these people who do riots are like my brothers and therefore people themselves have to grow up and have to defend themselves. We are also planning to launch a package of free shields for BPL category and 20% discount to above poverty line category so that they would defend themselves from stone pelting," told Shinde to India Satire.
He said "See I don't have habit to work in a hectic schedule. Just have a bit of fun at work and a lot of rest so makes me feel happy and funny to. So these kind of stupid things make me think how to approach new and new innovative ways to tackle. This is an innovative way. Take a kid at the 5 years of age tell him how he can save himself from riots. A real rigorous course and make him a great defender. But as in India everybody is my sister and brother, they can't attack."
Mumbai citizens are very happy with the decisions that they are going to get shields to secure themselves from Hindu attack, Muslim attack, immigrant attack and any other attack that can come future.
Harsh Baweja, a college student said "Yea funny idea, I will wear Batman like coat. Also they can give us some sparta like shields. Wow how would it look when the packed train will have everybody shielded?"

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