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"God, next time onwards I will give proper customer service, but remove these cases" - Bharti Airtel Chief Sunil Mittal

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 11 April 2013 | Posted in , , ,

Today I am here to confess that my a** is burnt out of fear and I couldn't sleep properly because of continuous vomiting and loose motions. Still my a** is burning for visiting toilet for 10-15 times during last 2-3 hours. Reason for my loose motion is my fear that Court will put me inside jail or ban me from making any false commitments again. Hopefully! Court will not do that.
It was a special occasion for the Indian Judiciary when it issued summon to big business tycoon like me. But it is really an a** tarnishing day for me. How can I forget the day when I committed in front of God the time I received telecom licenses. I told him that I will serve people as like my mother and father. I will be their servant. I will give them a great telephonic and broadband experience and besides that I will appoint such representatives who would solve all of their queries with humbleness.
That was actually greatest day of my life. I was a kind of novice to the telecom business and wanted to say what an idealist businessman says to God. I also told him that if I don't serve my consumers properly, then he can punish me like a pig. I told him that whenever he finds something wrong in me or in my company, he can take a stick and start beating on my a**. However, God is punishing in some other way. It is like beating me in front of the entire public.
I am a bit humble and therefore I accept all my bullshitting. But that bad*** Ravi (Ruia), he is such an arrogant that he would never accept his mistake. Forget him. So let me tell you what has happened with me. Indian Court has recently put me in two cases. One accusation was about the additional 2G spectrum allocation and the other was providing 3G roaming services to new customers in seven circles where Airtel does not have license to do so. I know it was because of collective demands of all those customers whom I treated like shit and my customer service personnel which showed them that they are nothing more than trash.
Hey God! You don't know how much stupid services I offered to my customers. I literally showed them they are fools and made biggest mistakes of their life for choosing Airtel. One of the most idiotic things that I made was that I kept 7-8th standard pass out guys as customer relationship manager to save few bucks. Yea, interestingly that time I was the most profitable telecom company in India. But below my a** I wasn't aware that my useless customer service would pull me down to such an era. Just yesterday I went to Airtel Shop to see my empire. It was look like a desi Pizza corner, and counter boys and girls were just like another Pizza boys and girls. I forgot that I was in Airtel Shop and ordered a Pizza.
Hey God! I forgot my commitment towards you and my customers and therefore I know that you are punishing like this. God! I again commit you this time is my last chance and I will try to serve customers like God. I am their servant. My customer care department will be humble and kind, giving best of services. But please remove these cases on me.

Arvind Kejriwal is fast bowler - Sheila Dikshit

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 24 March 2013 | Posted in ,

This is my first article on the India Satire and I am happy that what I want to share would be in front of all happy Indians. First of all I want to cry again over the security of my daughter in insecure Delhi.

I am also crying for Arvind Kejriwal who is on fast for reasons like higher prices for electricity and water. I am with him. I also give him my support and if he requires any help I assure that I will be there like his small sister. I also feel crying that my big brother is on fast and I can't do anything. However, I have ensured that his rally gets adequate power and water. But I don't think that more than one people would get water and food just he has started fast. I ask all Aam Aadmi Party co-workers to sit on the fast and allow other Indians to eat and drink.

I request Union Government, considering giving an honour to Kejriwal. In my dreams, I saw him getting an honour of 'Fast Bowler'. Wow, it is so sexy to call him 'Fast Bowler Arvind Kejriwal'. I have sent my recommendation to Soniaji and now it is upto her to consider it.

Mahatma Gandhi talks on Asaram Bapu

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 11 January 2013 | Posted in ,

Special Guest Column

I believe in peace and I was having a long peaceful rest after 1948 when India Satire called me asking my opinion on Asaram Bapu and rest other leaders which are proposing few peaceful ideas tackling the rapes in India.

When I left for a long peaceful journey in 1948, I thought India would be in the hands of few good people who would emulate my love of Brahmacharya. However, as days progressed I came to know that Brahmacharya left India long back same day I left. I thought things would be normal and peace would come back. But it didn't happen again. Look at the rape scenarios in India, so many people are indulging in nasty attractions that are so inadequately describes my idea of ideal Bharat.

I have to stick to my topic over talking on Asaram Bapu and similar leaders like him who offer peaceful solutions to control the rape situations in India. I came to know that he suggested the girl who recently left this insane world to cry and beg in front of rapists while chanting Saraswati mantra in her mind and calling them bhaiyya. Wow that's cool suggestion I have ever heard. I really love this suggestion. It can be a prequel to my suggestion to the world just put your one cheek before the person who hit hard on the other one. Love you Asaramji for using my name Bapu in an orderly manner. However, just it would be better if you remove that Bapu name from backwards of your name and put Pandu before you would give great justice to your advice.

Analysing his idea of peaceful solution gives a pleasant surprise to me. I thought calling British a bhaiya would work. However, it didn't and therefore I had to tell them Chale jaao. Now Asaramji's suggestion therefore gives result that rapists must be milder than Britishers. Calling them bhaiyaa would be a weird idea. I don't believe any girl want her brother to be rapist. At least I don't really perceive this idea. Third one is Saraswatiji is busy these days in helping students to crack CAT, XAT, GRE, GMAT and many other kind of useless exams. I recently read a newspaper article which said that sadly a guy with 99.7 percentalie shouldn't be sure of cracking the CAT. Sometime back only Saraswatiji told me that she is going to complain God for overwork because of stupid Indian institutions and may go on strike asking for an assistant and better pay package. Details I will reveal shortly. So the point is she is also busy in her work to assist students for their few stupid exams. So overall I believe that Asaram Bapu's suggestion may be peaceful idea but it is not really wise. It is some stupid fattu person's suggestion. I know Asaramji has already made it clear that he doesn't need to listen to all the barking dogs so that I also don't want any fattu to use my name. By the way my point is buraa mat suno, bura mat bolo aur bura mat kaho. Add to this buraa mat karo but if somebody is doing evil don't beg at him.

Few other peaceful solutions suggested by greats such as don't move out of home in the night, avoid wearing flashy and small clothes and stay in your boundaries haven't been considered due to lack of time given by India Satire. 

Sir Isaac Newton talks on Dawood Ibrahim

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 6 January 2013 | Posted in ,

Special Guest Column
It is very difficult to describe Dawood Ibrahim. I have never seen the complicated creature like he in this world. He is the only living creature that is to an exception to my all theories of gravitational power.
Thanks to India Satire, it now almost 287 years that I am not in news and not I wrote a single article. I saw many people writing some stupid things on me and my research. However, no credible platform actually asked me to write my opinion.
Almost for last 300 years, I am a mute spectator in this world and I think I experienced many things in these years. However, no body except the India Satire contacted me to give a fair opinion and judgement.
My experience in research field is treated as a fuckingly great and perfectly best in the world. But this nasty and stinky creature called Dawood makes its smelling shitty. He is the only exception that I found since I invented the law of gravitation. Nothing bloody, nothing even not Osama tore apart my theory but this stupid Dawood. He is stinky and murkier than the Hobbit's Golum, idiot fella.
The thing that he irritates me is the way he really broke all my research work of famous Law of Universal Gravitation. I think I consider this is the best invention that I have done so far and for that many considers me greatest and most influential scientist who ever lived. Unfortunately and most sadly, I want to say that Dawood Ibrahim, yes Dawood Ibrahim of Pakistan is only exception to that law. My law states that every point mass in the universe attracts every other point mass with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. However, Dawood who jumped from India is still to return to India again. How so unfortunate! The misery doesn't stop here. The creatures which attached to him with his magnetic force like Javed Miandad are attracted towards India which is of no use to my theory. Sucks a lot!
While I felt it was difficult to justify the law of gravitation really works when Osama bin Laden was hiding in Pakistan, he attracted great force of America and got the reaction for his action. However, what I am seeing with Javed is he is getting better and better reactions from India as well as Pakistan. This makes another case that India is also against my law of universal gravitation. Now last resort to save my theory is to take Dawood in a Helicopter and push him out without any parachute and check whether he comes down with the gravitational power of land or goes higher to another planet with his own power.
(Sir Isaac Newton is an English physicist, mathematician, astronomer, natural philosopher, alchemist and theologian, who has been considered by many to be the greatest and most influential scientist who ever lived.)

How do you expect me to make same nonsense and feed satirists as Kapil did - P Chidambaram

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 27 August 2012 | Posted in

SPECIAL GUEST COLUMN
These days I really feel stupid in front of Indian media. My words to their interpretation, it was a long process and it really sucks. They take out something from my mouth, interpret it and finally present it to world in a different way. Now it is common sense that if someone makes a bully why I would follow him. Sibal always claim himself as an intellectual despite from nowhere he seems. He is totally an inverse image of mine. While I am a humble, kind and hopeful person that guy is not really near to any of these words. Therefore, it is totally a baseless claim that I took his word and word in explaining my theory of subjective profits in coal in the way of objectively not achieving it.

I also observed that media is idiot. Last time what I told was buying tomato is not that expensive than buying a pizza. So what was the problem with that? Middle class can always buy tomato and bread in various shops and then convert them into pizza so that they would not really feel the ire of inflation. But this nonsense media again took it with its convenience and just explained the situation in its own way. So this idiot media can't understand what my statement was.
Now I will take with both of them Sibal and media. What did I say on coal if we recall word by word I told if coal is not mined if it remains buried in mother earth where is the loss? Boss thing is simple we issued licenses and after issuing licences we stopped miners from mining. So whatever we gained, here listen to me I am not saying we have zero loss or zero gain Sibal you also listen to me, it is not zero loss or zero gain, so whatever we gained is gain and neither we lost a rupee nor we lost coal. So finally we have all the gains only. Where do you find such an efficient government system?
That is why I told that we have no zero loss also we have no loss of coal. Coal is still in the mother earth.
William Shakespeare once told me "Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them." Kapil Sibal is of 3rd category while I am first so don't compare him with me.
William also told me few years back "A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."
Now to media my message is clear. I am going to consider an introduction of new tax in this year's budget. It is a Press Transaction Tax that will be levied on the entire process of Press which starts with a leader talking something, then press give him coverage and after that bullies him with its own view. This PTT will tear media apart and whatever fun it made over me for last many years, I will take the revenge.

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