Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 31 December 2012 |
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Unconfirmed sources from the government confirmed that the government offered Rs 15 lakh to rape victim's family is just an exercise to shut its mouths along with protesters rather than giving a relief.
Insiders said that the exercise would essentially end the two week anti-government protests."We think this an exceptional case and after giving the amount to family everybody would be silent," said the source from the government.
The source said "Earlier Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit suggested to giver Rs 7200 as 1 year compensation, as she thinks 600 rupees per month per family is sufficient amount to live. However, few senior politicians opposed to the idea and told her not to be scrooge and allow the administrators to come to a proper amount using scientific formula."
The source said using Kapil Sibal Zero Loss Financial Model, the government arrived at a number of Rs 15 lakh which it thinks would be sufficient to the family to forget the pain and sadness it went after the entire gang rape saga. Plus kind government also thought to announce one job for a family member.
The source also said that the government expects that the entire formula would work and stop the rage that is drawn amongst the protesters and family would also react moderately.
However, the government's ministers denied any such conspiracy and slammed India Satire for publishing such conspiring articles using some idiot government source' name.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 30 December 2012 |
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All Indian politicians, including MPs, MLAs, state level politicians and even a street side political activist raised their voices that a strong law should be made to punish rape accused after victim died yesterday. Coincidentally, all the politicians which include Congress, BJP leaders, DMK, TMC, SP, BSP and Communist Party leaders were dented painted.
"We all were at beauty parlours just one day back and therefore we looked quite beautiful while condoling for victim and protesting against the rape accused," said a senior lady Congress leader, with request of anonymity. She also told that every politician, including gents were having good hair cut and properly shaved.She said "These days even gent politicians go to proper parlours, properly cut their eye brows and good massage and facial they do."
A senior Congress MP, Abhijeet Mukherjee confirmed this. He said "Even I like to remain clean while coming in front of media. I take proper facial every week. And look at my eye brows they are good shaped and sized."
He also asked other politicians to follow his path.
According to statistics, almost 92% politicians are well dented painted before they present in front of media. The survey also said that remaining 8% don't get good place in the party and considered idiots.
"I think 92% Indian politicians are smart and intelligent, as they go to parlours and maintain good facial features," said Press Commission of India Chief Markandeya Katju.
Other parties including BJP , SP and BSP confirmed that they were dented painted when they condoled for victim and protest against accused. While all were in good make up and get over, they unanimously demanded strict punishment to accused.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Saturday, 29 December 2012 |
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ICC announced a ban on sixes straight down the ground in 2013 to tribute to former great England Cricket captain and great commentator Tony Greig who has died after suffering a heart attack. He was 66.
ICC President Alan Isaac said "We stopped all the sixes straight down the ground in 2013 as a glorious career of captain and mostly a great commentator has ended today. This is tribute to a guy who just not entertained but excited us to watch the cricket match. He made us stick to a match and increased our affection towards cricket. Now as we don't have a guy who excites us with his great voice and statement 'Straight down the ground all they way for six' we banned any six or even four straight down the ground in 2013. 2013 will be a Tony Greig year. Tony we will miss you."
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 28 December 2012 |
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Attributing the urgency to take measures against those who rape innocent girls and women, Indian Government 1,451th time since 2 weeks back said today that it will take strict action. In a special joint release by Sheila Dikshit and Sushil Kumar Shinde confirmed that it understands the urgency of the matter and will set up a committee under Abhijeet Mukherjee Panel to investigate the high level action.
"We have lever. Who told you we don't have? We also have chest which breathes and therefore finally we decided to tell you again that we will take stricter action against those who are accused in a rape case. Barring special personalities such as MPs and MLAs we will take immediate action and this is our promise, this is our commitment. So don't even dare to think of any protest," said India's Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde.
Delhi Chief Minister also reiterated that the government is willing to take action.
She said "I challenge you that for last two weeks I am crying and crying and crying day and night. However, a bit of cry I stored for some urgent cases. But today I think I will cry for 5 minutes odd. I urge you all that believe us we will take strict action. We are committed and therefore you all guys don't dare to protest against and come to 10 Janpath or President's house. Only youth Congress leaders are allowed to enter in 10 Janpath where Madamji will meet them and commit them. According to Government records, 1451th time we are telling you that we will take action so stay at home and don't even think of protesting us." The India Satire Dark Cloud day
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| The India Satire tributes to fighting spirit of the girl and protests against impotent Indian system |
India Satire is turning from blue sky to dark cloud. This is protest against the system that doesn't ensure the safety of women and girls in our country. It was an unfortunate demise of the girl who fought for her life. But does the government has any strength to fight for us.
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Sticking to his core habit, BJP President compared Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari's son Bilawal Bhutto Zardari with Rahul Gandhi resulting into drawing condemnation from the Congress leaders.
"I think it doesn't matter for opposition parties in Pakistan whether Bilawal Bhutto Zardari enters into politics or not. Because even if the IQ of both Bilawal and Rahul Gandhi may be different, both have no impact on the politics in their respective countries," said Nitin Gadkari in a statement made to Press.
He was answering the question that Bilawal Bhutto's entry would make any difference to the Pakistani politics. Earlier, Gadkari drew criticisms on comparing Dawood's IQ with Swami Vivekananda.
When asked Gadkari elaborated the theory, he said "It is possible that Bilawal Bhutto may have better IQ compared to Rahul Gandhi. But it matters how he chooses the path and even with better IQ if he chooses path of self party destruction, then he wouldn't matter for the country and opposition parties as like with Rahul Gandhi."
However, the statement wasn't well taken by Congress Party leaders and asked Gadkari that how many of his drivers are really compatible to compete Rahul Gandhi in elections.
"It is possible that Gadkari's drivers may be director on his companies. But are they able to fight with Rahulji. Is Gadkari's IQ level is higher than his driver? Gadkari should answer these questions first before making such stupid comments," said Digvijay Singh.
When India Satire correspondent tried to get the reaction from Bilawal Bhutto, he asked Asif Ali Zardari that who is Nitin Gadkari and kept the question on hold.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 27 December 2012 |
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Desperately seeking to get nude, hot beauty Poonam Pandey threatened all Indians that she would strip if continuously ignored again and again. Poonam announced that she is not very happy that her fans are moving towards more sensible topics like politics, gang rape issue and terrorism while ignoring her in day-to-day life.
"This is shocking that nobody really post me in their news. I haven't seen myself in the headlines for long. Daily what I am seeing is FDI in retail news, some political issues, parliamentary logjam, gang rapes and terrorism. Nobody really bothers what Poonam is doing. Therefore, I decided that if people and media ignore me I will strip to the end. Don't take it as a joke as like I made last time when I promised to strip after India would win world cup or KKR would win IPL or Rahul will marry, but take it as a challenge, this time I am surely going to do this (Poonam forcefully threw her hand on the desk). Looking at laws in India, I will really strip," said Poonam Pandey.
People are talking that post KKR's win of IPL, Poonam never stripped and that kept her out of news.
"Yea there was no sensible issue or important objective that motivated me to go nude for a while for my fans. But that doesn't mean that they can't wait me for showing my great fixed assets. This time I will actually disrobe in front Indians," said Poonam Pandey.
However, fans are not really happy as historical evidences suggest Poonam Pandey hardly kept her promise. She earlier said that she would strip if India wins world cup. However, after attracting huge fan base she told that she disrobed in her bathroom. Same way after KKR's win, she avoided front view and gave glimpse of rear view, which irritated her lot of fans.
One of her fans, Sunil Yadav said "I lost my half hair waiting to see Poonam's beauty. Now again she is threatening us to recognise and follow her on regular basis otherwise she will strip is just too much. I sincerely ask government to take legal action for such challenges which keep fans on health risks."
According to Poonam's close friends, she is so sensible that after disrobing herself post KKR won she never went to bathroom as no new major topic was available to provide darshan to her fans.
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After showing his credible statement vomiting skills, the Congress Party has decided to promote Pranab Mukherjee's son Abhishek Mukherjee as party spokesperson. Congress Party in its press release said that if Abhijeet Mukherjee continues to demonstrate his thought process through more such interesting stuff and wakes up the Indian people in similar passion, he would be promoted to Ministerial post in 2014 elections.
"We actually thought somebody to take the mike and stir entire system, so that people would forget Delhi Gang Rape case and focus on some stupid stuff. We saw that kind of calibre in Abhijeet," said a source from the Congress Party who was accompanied in the urgent meeting to take the decision.
He said that many including ex-Official Spokesperson Manish Tewari, Digvijay Singh and Ambika Soni refuted the idea. However, persistent efforts of Sonia Gandhi kept them beyond the boundary.
"I am happiesht man in thish world. Itsh not evory body'sh calibore to become Congress Party'sh shpokeshpershon. My shon finolly demonshtrated. Abhishit should shit on spokespershon's chair and give the resolts. Thank you Madamji for let Abhishit shit on the chair of spokeshporshon," said India's President Pranab Mukherjee.
Abhijeet Mukherjee said "I am really happy with Party's step. I am thankful and grateful towards Madamji for allowing me to show my skills. I will be more stupid with my tongue so that Congress Party would win next elections."
Posted by Diggy Chacha | |
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Demonstrating his eagerness towards law and justice, disheartened India's President Pranab Mukherjee abandoned his son totally for his remarks on women that dented and painted women protesters in Delhi went to discotheques and then turned up at India Gate to express outrage over the gang rape in Delhi.
"Thish ish too bad in tho name of Preshident. I condemn sush statement of Abhishit. It literolly turnsh me down from my yeshtorday's party," said Pranab Mukherjee, India's President.
He said "I immediately abandon my shon from being my shon and Congresh Party's shon. He ish now shon of shon and not shon of mine and Congresh Party."
"What's basically happening in Delhi is a lot like Egypt or elsewhere, where there's something called the spring revolution, which has very little connection with ground realities. In India, staging candle-lit marches, going to discotheques - we did all this during our student life too, we were students too - I know every well what kind of character students should have. Those who claim to be students - I can see many beautiful women among them - highly dented-painted (sic) - they're giving interviews on TV, they've brought their children to show them the scenes. I have grave doubts whether they're students, because women of that age are generally not students," Abhijit Mukherjee said to CNN-IBN Deputy Editor Sagarika Ghose.
Even the statement furied Sagarika Ghose who generally stays cool to demand the nation-wide poll on whether a politician should be allowed to make such statement.
"Evon I voted for that poll of Shogorika. Now onwardsh, he would not be called as shon of Pranab Mukhorjee who alwaysh ush to be the great shon of shoil. Fully honest to Shoniaji and never comment on any Indian woman," said Pranab Mukherjee.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 26 December 2012 |
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Marking a new era of friendship, Indian government signed an agreement to swap Delhi Police with Syrian Army in 2013.
In a joint statement with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, India's Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde said "This agreement will start a new era of India-Syria relation. While we chose to send India's 'Dabangg' Delhi Police to Syria, they chose to send their fearless army."
Syria also described that the great friendship will be just a beginning before major change in both the countries. Both the countries will fully protest proof and peaceful in the given time.
Syria had successfully cracked down the ongoing civil war till date while Delhi Police successfully trashed demonstration against rape cases recently.
"We want to understand the skills and techniques use to tighten the knots of notorious and demanding rebels. Both Delhi Police and Syrian Army demonstrated great muscle in keeping demonstrators in their noose," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad who was on a 1-day visit with India.
Both the country representatives released a joint statement that will provide terms and conditions for the operations of both forces in each country.
"Syrian Army has unique technique in maintaining law and order in the country. Nation requires team efforts and rebels are always the threat for building a nation. Over last 2 years we closely monitored the way Syrian Army maintained Syria peaceful. We decided that while we can learn some techniques from Syrian Army, Syria also can learn from Delhi Police. We both have win-win formula," said Sushil Kumar Shinde, India's Home Minister.
The agreement also suggests that both the forces will exchange their knowledge on understanding the psyche of rebels.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | |
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Delhi Police is in the news for its great energy and vitality in stopping protest at its root and make the people aware that the strength of the law implementation in Delhi is so much that no fucking idiot aam aadmi can protest. Recently, many Delhi Police Officers demonstrated this vigor in the demonstration against rape.
India Satire correspondent caught a senior Police Officer to know the secrets of healthy life.
"We don't pay attention to the health, that is the major secret of our healthy lifestyle. We eat, drink and sleep much that help us to keep our health strong," said a proud Delhi Police Officer who was having a glass of tea on the streets of chilling Delhi. He suggested looking at his tummy.
He said "Now it's chilling temperature, a natural protection from the tedious work that we have to do whole year. Most of the criminals like to sleep for long hours and therefore crime rate reduces sharply during this season. In other seasons, we hardly able to work, as most of the times we work only to protect politicians. Still I would love to give our own ideas of healthy life."
He said "Our day starts with all the major natural activities. Sometimes we also take bath. However, most of the time sweat is enough to clean our bodies. While our burgeoning tummies only show that we are the most conservative people in terms of consuming natural resources, they also will be major supplier of fuel for next millennium."
"We are aware that having good food such as 'free' chole bhature, 'free' chaas, 'free' chai in the morning makes sense. 'Free' food is always healthy and stays in your stomach for long time to continuously generating energy. Lunch is very simple sabzi, roti, daal, rice. We take it from home and sometimes from other well wishers as well," said the officer.
He also disclosed "This is not in public domain. But we also like to have paper in our dinner that is healthiest food in the world. It is properly designed and generally best used for buying something. This paper is also called as money and it is rich with carbon."
In terms of daily work out, he said "Long workout reduces the life span. Keep it simple. Stay or sit somewhere for long and you will be healthier. We also keep our duties more focused towards protecting politicians rather than citizens. If we start protecting citizens, we require exert more and more which is actually a serious disaster for our health. We however, occasionally practice lathi maar exercise."
Posted by Diggy Chacha | |
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Delhi Police is famous for protesting protesters rather than crime and criminals. The India Satire identified major strengths and weaknesses of Delhi Police
| Strength | Weakness |
| Ability to identify the criminal's income background | Sometimes people understand that Delhi Police immediately arrests poor income background criminal |
| Strong decisiveness whether to arrest immediately or not based on the income background | Best place that gulps crime and criminal, no trace in future |
| No Strength till the crime finishes | Crime sucks, the major reason why sometimes Policeman has to work, otherwise protecting politician is best job |
| No strength till the criminal is arrested | Still far behind compared to world famous cities in terms of earnings from criminal |
| Strength suddenly comes after protesting starts for demonstration of non-strength of Delhi Police | Anybody can slap, chop and shop Delhi Police |
Posted by Diggy Chacha | |
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A researcher has claimed that watching porn makes straight men support same sex marriages. However, straight men only support woman-woman marriage and not man-man marriage. Straight women also support man-man marriage rather than woman-woman marriage.
Mark Regnerus, who became infamous earlier this year when he published a now widely discredited study that supposedly found children of gay parents, are worse off than those of straight parents, made the claim on the Witherspoon Institute website last week.
According Huffingtonpost, Regnerus said that the anomaly has been seen in the men and women brains which are fit to see heterosexual gays rather than homosexual gays.
Of the men who view pornographic material every day or almost every day, 54 percent strongly agreed that lesbian marriage should be legal, compared with around 13% of those whose porn-use patterns were either monthly or less often than that, Regnerus revealed.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | |
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To revitalize, rejuvenate and rehabilitate himself, Home Minister and ex-Cop Sushil Kumar Shinde visited a theatre to watch Dabangg 2, said a source.
"He was totally sucked up after his demands for sending Shri Hafeez Saeed got trashed from Pakistan Internal Minister Rehman Malik as well as Delhi gang rape case. He felt a low life and useless kind of situation led to a total mental disability. He was also feeling very cheap and inferior towards his own outlook leading to feeling of low self esteem and worthless animal," said the source who accompanied Shinde to the theater.
He said "Shinde kept it secret while visiting the movie, as a security issue could have propelled out if any of Delhi protester have seen him in the theater. He was totally in a mental trauma where he was feeling that he is a worm in a trash bin searching for some sweets."
The source also confirmed that Shinde was feeling like a pet animal that don't have his own brain but moves with the direction given by owner.
Sushil Kumar Shinde confirmed the development and said that he visited the movie with inculcates the x-factor inside a totally sucked man like he is.
Shinde said "Dabangg 2 is quite motivational movie and that inspired me too. It instills the arrogance and attitude, the characters require for top cops and home ministers. I also remembered my old days in Maharashtra Police by watching the movie. The movie is ditto based on my life and I am sure that in Dabangg 4 Salman Khan will perform as cop turned great politician and home minister of India."
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 24 December 2012 |
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Popular stock analyst with success rate of at least 99.9%, SP Tulsian confirmed that the gang rape incidence in Delhi and latter the protests are overall positive for the government and therefore require to buy UPA and Congress at current levels.
"I feel the government is at bottomed out levels. With gang rape protest and overall steps that the government took through Police officers, I don't feel that the UPA stock will move further down. From here onwards it is buy, a multi bagger opportunity," said expert SP Tulsian in an interview with CNBC TV 18's Udayan Mukherjee.
He said "See Udayan. I like bottom fishing. I am contrarian investor and love to put my money in the stocks which have lesser downside. With the Company Secretary Sushil Kumar Shinde's statement that he can't meet maoists gives stability to the government officials. Further, I don't feel it would move beyond this level and already sold out stock would see a bit of good upside from the current levels."
While talking about risks attached in buying UPA at current levels, Tulsian said "Look Udayan everything has risk attached to it. But right now at a price of Rs 0.20 per share levels, I feel UPA stock will not go down to zero levels and it also ensures a comfort of getting multibagger opportunity."
"UPA which is currently facing angst all over India for its unusual and non conventional policies make the stock a riskier bet," said a technical analyst, Sudarshan Sukhani.
He said "I would not put my entire money on the UPA. It is better to keep some amount of cash. While I agree to Mr. Tulsian that UPA is showing bottom formation on the charts, I don't see any reason why this could not be a blip. As there are 2 more years remaining to complete the formation, I would like to put only 20% of my money in the UPA and rest preserve cash or even buy some bit of BJP. "
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Popular for making notorious statements, India's Home Minister took an extreme step and punished himself after comparing Delhi rape protestors with Maoists. Sushil Kumar Shinde pulled out his 6-ft long tongue and convinced media that as he would take action against himself he would also battle against crimes against women and would meet DGPs and Chief Secretaries on 4 January to discuss tackling crime against women across the country.
"Everyone will ask of every government… We should not go anywhere. Tomorrow 100 adivasis can be killed Chhattisgarh or Gadchiroli, can the government go there? It is because this is Delhi you want us to go there," he said in an exclusive interview with Rajdeep Sardesai on CNN-IBN.
However, after the statement was passed, Shinde who looked a bit conscious put his hand on his forehead.
Worried a bit, he said "Errr.... What did I say? I was not supposed to make this kind of statement. I promised Soniaji that I would not be saying anything damn foolish after the Jaya Bachchan and Bofors incidents. Oh Gosh! If I had replaced this tongue last month only, its validity is expired now. Oops! Rajdeep before action on any other guy I have to take action against me."
Suddenly, Shinde moved his hand in his mouth, insanely pull out his tongue from its root and gave it in the hand of Rajdeep Sardesai. Shocked Rajdeep Sardesai threw the blood soaked tongue in the dust bin near his chair.
After the incident Shinde cleaned his face. However, according to sources Rajdeep Sardesai immediately left the show and found critical for next 1 hour. After his recovery, the show completed with Shinde talking using hand gestures.
A hand gesture recognition expert who was invited to understand what Sushil Kumar Shinde trying to talk, said "Shinde wanted to tell that pulling out own tongue was the only punishment for the tongue which is uncontrollable and make statements like a rapist rapes. Therefore, to show the integrity towards nation Shinde took such a severe action against himself. However, Shinde also confirmed that as he was a very important person for the country, nature would endow him with new and fresh tongue in next 3 months. Till then he would carry a hand gesture recognition expert for his meetings with DGPs and Chief Secretaries on 4 January to discuss tackling crime against women across the country. He also ensured that he would take steps against other criminals."
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 23 December 2012 |
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Post announcement of retiring from One Day Internationals, Sachin Tendulkar announced that he will keep using his batting skills and would wash clothes in Mumbai's Dhobi Ghat. That will also improve his performance in test matches. Dhobi (laundry man or washer man) is the only community in India which uses cricket bat (a small wooden piece similar to cricket bat) more professionally and commercially.
"As it wasn't a secret that I was not going to play for 2015 World Cup and my test scores were moving in a snail like pace, I felt that I should join Mumbai's Dhobi Ghat and use my bat in more aggressive and proactive way. This will accomplish my dream of becoming a complete test player in next 2 years," said Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar in a packed press conference.
Sachin Tendulkar is considered the best batsman in the world with 100 centuries in his kitty, which include 49 centuries in One Day Internationals. With the entry in the new field of game, Sachin is expected to use same heavy bat while washing clothes.
He said "I had various options in my mind such as fisher man and gate keeper. However, no where I could have used my bat so productively and aggressively than in the profession of washer man. This would improve my performance and sharpen the skills of aggression as well as focus."
Sachin took his bat in his hand and with all his power started tossing up and down on the desk as like dhobi do with the clothes in Dhobi Ghat. All the media journalists and reporters noted down his determination and focus towards the bat chopping.
According to sources, Sachin is planning to achieve Don Bradman's test average in his next career stanza.
"Sachin is planning to score with an average of 100 in his next 200 test matches," said the source close to the development.
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 20 December 2012 |
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India Satire brings all the major events in 2012. First to start with January
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"I asked my 3D image to become Chief Minister of Gujarat and let me move to work on the strategies for 2014 Elections. It is difficult to focus on both the things," said newly elected Chief Minister of Gujarat.
He said that most of the BJP leaders supported his 3D image and is eager to work under its leadership.
"I thought about this idea before the elections itself. That was the reason why I demonstrated my communication skills through my substitute that was my 3D image. Now this image is capable of handling the pressure of Chief Minister," said Modi.
However, Congress Party and Keshubhai Patel both criticised this move.
"Narendra Modi is spreading his autocratic approach to entire country. What is the idea of using 3D image as a CM," said Congress leader Shankarsinh Waghela. However, he was quite comfortable if Rahul Gandhi himself will use this unique strategy.
Keshubhai Patel said "I understood from some tech guys that 3D image has no age and I can still fight for next 20-30 years by using 3D."
Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 19 December 2012 |
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Himachal Pradesh Chief Minister Prem Kumar Dhumal locked himself despite a thumping win in his own constituency, as it became clear that some nut from Congress Party will own the chief minister's house for next 5 years.
"I welcome the decision of people. However, I love this place so much that I don't really want to move out," said Dhumal who spent 5 years in the house ruling the state.
Prem Kumar Dhumal chose a safe place, a toilet of the house. While a gang of few Congress leaders came to the house with intention to pulling him out of the house and throw into a trashbin, he just pushed into a toilet of the large CM villa in Simla.
He found saying "You can take away everything from me. My chair, my bed, my clothes and everything else you get from the house. But you can't take me out of this house. I love this place. I love the toilet. I love everything out here. I don't want to move from here."
