Headlines

Nation said it will talk about Mukesh Ambani this time and will forget Nitin Gadkari

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 31 October 2012 | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

India started talking about Mukesh Ambani suddenly and started forgetting Nitin Gadkari who is now relaxed on his BJP President chair.

Sources said after Arvind Kejriwal revealed the names of Mukesh Ambani and Crony Capitalism, Nitin Gadkari ordered one large size Pizza, 4-5 packets of Burger, Vada Pav (Maharashtrian dish), and a lot of pop corns while watching the entire saga live on Television.

"Yes Sir has ordered so many dishes today as a starter. He wants to fill the vaccum that was created after consistent fast since Kejriwal took his name in corruption cases," said Nitin Gadkari's driver and one of the directors of his company Purti Group, Rajesh Dhale.

Besides Nitin Gadkari's many other politicians celebrated the event for Mukesh Ambani to became his newer target. Few also called Ambani's cell phone giving him condolences while actually congratulating each other from saving another that would have been a ridiculous day.

Indians also promised that they would talk on Mukesh Ambani for some time and then they would totally forget Nitin Gadkari, Salman Khurshid and Robert Vadra. According to sources from 'India Against Corruption', Arvind Kejriwal is going to attack Rahul Gandhi next time.

Servant found Shashi Tharoor crying and sobbing in his bedroom out of emotions and love, after hitting back at Narendra Modi

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 30 October 2012 | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

A servant of Shashi Tharoor found the minister crying loudly and sobbing continuously in his bedroom while reading his own tweet on the internet.

"Yes he was continuously crying and sniveling loudly just like a small kid does when his mummy rejects him a lollypop. I haven't ever seen him in such a sentimental situation. He was reading his own tweet written for Narendra Modi and was admiring himself as how much emotional he is and caring towards his love by crying like nothing. Sunanda madam was also there. She was caressing him and fondling his shoulder and rubbing his arm asking him to 'shut up you stupid'. Such a love I haven't seen in my life," said Shashi Tharoor's servant Mani Shankar Ratnam.

Shashi Tharoor yesterday tweeted that his love and affection made his wife priceless, a lot more than Rs 50 crore valuations arrived by Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi. Media also applauded Shashi Tharoor's quality tweet and said that it was a big slap on Modi's face. A big sixer.

He tweeted that he considered his wife "priceless", but suggested that only a man capable of the Grand Passion would understand that. However, according to his servant Mani, Shashi Tharoor couldn't believe himself that he can write in such a romantically passionate and emotionally well researched language which made him a bit sentimental and resulted into crying loudly.

Mani said "However, Sunanda madam is really a great wife with broad heart and adequate sense of what situation is. She just crawled her hand in his hair with care and told him that 'dude, after a long time you got the job of minister and now focus building some thousand crore rupees on my name, rather than crying like an idi*t.'."

Government appoints independent valuer to value Shashi Tharoor's wife

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Ending the entire controversy on the real and fair valuation of Shashi Tharoor's wife Sunanda Pushkar, India's empowered Group of Ministers (e-GOM) appointed independent valuer KPMG.

According to sources, by introducing the independent agency in valuing the precious assets of India, the government wanted to show that it favours transparency.

"Yes actually, Indian government faced a nationwide rage after it appointed Haryana Government to value Robert Vadra's property's value. However, now it doesn't want to take any chance and gave the Pushkar's valuation job to KPMG's experts. They will check the asset value and will provide their report within a month," said a government official who wanted to be unquoted.

He said "Government is damn sure that Ms Pushkar is more than 50 crore rupees and after KPMG's valuation that would be confirmed."

He also told that a proper CAG audit will also be done on Sunanda Pushkar to make her value more sensible.

Shashi Tharoor also welcomed the step. He tweeted "Though I said she is priceless under emotions I believe in KPMG's process and will come to know her real value."

However, BCCI announced inquiry after Tharoor's tweet whether he made more than 50 crore from Kochi team.

Narendra Modi found quoting his PA "Idiots kahi ke."

Narendra Modi's right hand seriously damaged while lifting ‘a mace’ in Himachal Pradesh

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 29 October 2012 | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

The mace was made of 50 Kg pure gold - Keshubhai Patel

Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi damaged his right hand when he lifted 50 kg pure gold 'mace' in Himachal Pradesh, offered by state BJP leaders during an election rally.

"Yes, he was unaware that the mace was actually made of pure gold and weighed around 50 kg," said an official source.

He said "Modi was overwhelmingly talking about Manmohan Singh and Shashi Tharoor and was quite unaware that what had put in front of him. He just lifted that mace as like it was made of plastic."

The sources confirmed that after the rally, they took Modi to his taint and applied Emami Fast Relief to get some instant pain relief.

The development is yet to take any direction right now. But HP Leaders said that as Modi was considered as Polad Purush (Powerful man) in Gujarat they felt no need to tell him that the mace was 50 kgs.

Gujarat opposition leader Keshubhai Patel demanded a probe in the matters for allowing Narendra Modi to lift that mace.

"How can he lift that mace? He is a public servant and should not make such stupid things. Besides that while nobody is getting 16 kg gas cylinder in India, he was lifting 50 kg mace. I want inquiry in these matters," said Keshubhai Patel, shouting from his bottom belly.


India is suddenly optimist after cabinet reshuffle

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 28 October 2012 | Posted in , ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Indians celebrated the day with crackers and sweets

Saluting UPA Government's cabinet reshuffle decision, India witnessed a festival like scene today. Everywhere, it was Diwali like situation, people were giving sweets to each other, lightening their houses day and night, streets were fully surrounded by people with traditional clothes and flowers and everybody was wishing each other 'Happy Reshuffle Day', 'Happy Reshuffle Day'. Rangolis were drawn with different coloured powders to welcome new ministers. Banners with photos of Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi along with India's only hope Rahul Gandhi decorated with colourful malas were enlightening across all places in India.

"Wow, its great day for India. It's cabinet reshuffle yaar. Every day, watching same old stupid faces was so boring. For last 1 year I know how I really tolerated these faces. Imagine SM Krishna standing along with cutie Hina Rabbani Khar. Yucks! But now I will strengthen my imagination, standing Khurshid with her. Wow, now I will get different varieties of people to see," said Yadupal Sharma, a citizen living in Lucknow.

He said "We are optimist now. At least these new ministers would not be involved in scam or corruption cases."

Cabinet reshuffle is most awaited event in India since the next day of the last cabinet reshuffle. People start talking about the guy who would be in next cabinet.

"I am hopeful that this time all ministers will pledge that they would keep a fast for one day for next 1 year from eating corrupt money," said Rajendra Chawla from Ludhiana.

He said "Yeeee... Wow its most wonderful day in the year. I believe next year we shall see few more mature and sad looking faces."

Political Banner maker Sandip Joshi said "I found that new young politicians like more and more banners of them. Our business will be booming next year."

Cabinet Reshuffle day is generally considered as most optimistic and dynamic day in Indian democracy. People who actually get irritated and bored with old faces can see new faces and also for a change they try to become optimist that corruption will be ended with new reshuffle.

UPA Government plans to lower Drinking Age to 12 to bail out Vijay Mallya from Kingfisher's mess

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 26 October 2012 | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - BUSINESS

After falling from billion dollar rich tag, Vijay Mallya's statement over karmic connection of the life's richness and jealousy made UPA government emotional to make serious decision in bailing out his Kingfisher dreams in a different way.

"We are reducing the liquor drinking age to 12 from around 21 years (in Maharashtra it's 25 years)," said HRD Minister Kapil Sibal. He said "That is sufficient to bail out Mallya from current financial mess."

Mallya earlier said "Thanks to the Almighty that Forbes has removed me from the so called Billionaires list. Less jealousy, less frenzy and wrongful attacks." Vijay Mallya also told that he would switch to Kingfisher beer and McDowell's whisky brand.

However, the above sad statement from liquor baron couldn't go well with HRD Minister who immediately called a meeting of e-GOM (Empowered Group of Minister) where he clearly told that he had decided to lower the age of drinking to 12.

"Even my great grandson will also contribute in a small way to recover Vijay Mallya from financial trouble. I assure you guys that bucks will start from my home. My great grandson who is just 12 and half years old will finish least 5 bottles of beer and 2 pegs of McDowell's Mera No. 1 everyday," said Kapil Sibal.

Many other UPA ministers pledged that they will see their sons, daughters, grandsons and granddaughters will have any kind of alcoholic drink after crossing 12 years. However, few new ministers showed their displeasure on the reduction of age to 12 and wanted it to lower to 5 years.

While Mallya was accompanying Sibal in the meeting said "I am thankful to UPA Government and particularly Sibalji. If he had not have chosen this step, I might have switched to McDowell's Mera No. 1 from the Macallan. But thanks to Kapilji, I would not require to drink a whisky made for aam aadmi and will keep my status going."

According to Government estimates, if the drinking age is reduced to 12 years, the profits of United Spirits will be more than enough to cover Kingfisher's losses, paying its dues to lenders and employees.

Indian media to be more cautious on selecting candidates after Zee TV - Navin Jindal Saga

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 25 October 2012 | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - MEDIA

Special courses in Extortion and Blackmailing in demand

After creating a dumb impression among the top Indian news channels, Zee TV has become a significant example for avoiding stupid people in the work force. Many Indian news channels said that they plan to select the candidates which are extraordinarily skillful in recognising trap,  effectively and intelligently handling the 'extortion' and 'blackmailing' and great skills to become invisible at a time when somebody is holding secret camera on them.

"Zee's example is a total eye washer for us," said Prannoy Roy, Executive Co-Chairperson of NDTV.

He said "We will be more and more cautious now in selecting candidate. How is it possible that somebody of the caliber of editor gets trapped while asking for some small extortion money? That's too ridiculous to hear. I really feel slapping Zee's Editor who caught on a camera, what he had to do with the other guys. Stupid guy yaar."

Roy blamed Zee News Editor Sudhir Chaudhary and Zee Business Editor Samir Ahluwalia for showing dumbness and exposing the lucrative business side of the Indian media.

"Candidate will have to undergo stringent test of my 'Aap ki Adalat' kind of interview, going forward. Then only we will elect him as an editor or journalist," said Rajat Sharma of India TV.

He said "Otherwise, we will not keep the speed of the breaking news that we show every 5 minutes."

Media is also expected to select candidates from IIMs and IITs which have power to get change their faces or scanner in their head which identifies the sting cameras or even ability to get invisible whenever somebody starts secret camera. Channels are also demanding special course in Extortion and Blackmailing from these institutes.

"Only after identifying on such merits, we will select the candidate," said Rajdeep Sardesai, Chief Editor of CNN IBN.

The media is also shocked after the world saw their secret side of legitimate revenues from extortion and blackmailing. Media is also questioning whether it was right to show every segment of revenue, which is not really mandatory these days, according to SEBI.

Buzzing Stocks: Kingfisher Airlines

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

BUZZING STOCKS

Kingfisher Airlines shares rose today after the company's employees said they would pay Kingfisher management

Kingfisher Airlines: BSE: 532747 | NSE: KFA | BSE Oct 17, 10.90 0.50 (+4.81%)

Share price of Kingfisher Airlines rose sharply today after the company's employees said that they will pay Kingfisher management and promoters instead of demanding dues. Vijay Mallya was happy by decision of employees and he said that he would spend all the money to buy new private yacht he has in his mind.

While God called Jaspal Bhatti early, he sets new minimum age of 150 for recalling politicians

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

TOP STORY - POLITICS

No place to put trash - God

God issued an official statement, after many Indians who loved their good heart Jaspal Bhatti, outraged on his early exit from the earth. A circular that said God really felt a serious need of a great guy with good sense-of-humour and noble intentions with him; he was getting bored with ridiculously trash mentality people such as politicians. God also said that he revised the minimum age of politicians at 150 years from now.

"Guys, I can understand your sadness for a person with such wonderful heart. However, for last many years a junk and trash kind of serious people are really stinking the 'hell'. That smell has now reached to 'heaven' as well. Therefore, I felt a need to have great fragrance of good person that I thought only Bhattiji could have been filled," said God when he saw people in India couldn't stop crying.

God's press release said "Hey guys please understand me, I also apologized for that. I was irritated with these serious and idiotic guys who don't have understanding of humour and always try to play politics. I know you all have patience and determination, which I don't have. It is your strength. Particularly, you all Indians have great patience which you occasionally demonstrate, by showing the urgency of attending offices despite terrorist attack on Mumbai. Or keeps people like Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab as your honourable guests. You guys also like to discuss on corrupt politicians rather than they get some kind of punishment. Therefore, I thought of keeping in mind your interest, I raised the age of politicians so that they can make trillions of rupees, going forward and entertain you till the time you don't get irritated."

Sources from the heaven said that Indian politicians demanded special addition to their age, as their political career starts at around 50 years.

"Yes I think they deserve life beyond 150 also. Actually, they asked me 1000 years to spend on mother earth, but I said that it would be in exceptional cases. More and more corrupt and intolerant that means entertaining would get life more than 150 years to 1000 years while normally corrupt politician can live for at least 150 years," said God.


God also provided special relief for politicians by giving them 150 years prospectively. So if somebody is 70 now, he will live till total 220 years.

"Yea that I thought would be better for politicians such as ND Tiwari and Keshubhai Patel who will live their life in more productive manner," said God.

According to estimates, if ND Tiwari completes his full 150 years from now, he would add at least 109,500 new kids to Indian society.

However, not all politicians are happy regarding the new life they have granted.

Senior Congress Leader, Digvijay Singh said "I am seriously disappointed with God's decision. The list is unclear about the special grant of more life for secular politicians. I demand him that secular politicians should live at least 150 years more."

But overall, the Indian political arena was quite thrilling, as every politician was thinking and discussing about his plans for next 150 years.

"I will form 55 more companies that will grab more and more land of farmers," said Nitin Gadkari, BJP President.

Robert Vadra, who recently came into picture, said "I would urge God to give me strength to buy illegal land in US and UK, where there is hardly any mango man."

Rajat Gupta to trade in shares inside jail for next 2 years

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 24 October 2012 | Posted in , ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - WORLD, BUSINESS

Addressing his skills for insider trading, Judge Jed S. Rakoff sentenced former Goldman Sachs director Rajat Gupta, 63 two years in prison. Now Rajat Gupta will trade in equities from actual 'inside' experience.

"We appreciate inside trading skills of Rajat Gupta and expect he will do it for us, for the great US economy a boost the stock markets. Therefore, we decided to send him inside jail so that he will do more and more inside trading for us at least for next 2 years," said Judge Rakoff.

US government and jail authorities will provide Rajat Gupta a LCD computer with CPU and speakers to trade seamlessly in the stock markets. While Rajat Gupta's demand for Bloomberg was under consideration, he will get one of the best high tech terminals to trade in the stocks.

"I believe Rajat will put all his experience in the stock markets and would do insider trading in more effortless manner from jail," said US President Barack Obama.

He said "With Raj Rajratnam (11 years in jail), I am hopeful that Rajat Gupta will make all the efforts to boost US' capital markets."

Talking on his new duty, Rajat Gupta said "I am thankful to great country the USA for providing me such a great honour to trade from jail so that I can live the name insider trading, that is trading from jail."

Congress Working Committee to meet today on fixing 'minimum aukaat' required for alleging Salman Khurshid on any scam

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWSWIRE
An official gazette will be issued as soon as the meeting would end

Congress High Command along with Congress Working Committee decided to meet urgently, on fixing the 'minimum aukat' that require for alleging 'Salman Khurshid' on any scam. The meeting was decided after Salman Khurshid claimed that he doesn't deserve to be alleged by small person or mango man like Arvind Kejriwal. Sources said that Congress committee will announce certain parameters of aukaat by tomorrow morning. It will issue an official gazette, signed by India's President Pranab Mukherjee.

No case for rape, dacaity, murder and maoist activity registered for last two days in West Bengal

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 23 October 2012 | Posted in , ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS, MEDIA
Government expects no crime till 25th October
In a unique experience, West Bengal, a busiest maoist state had not recorded any crime including rape, murder, dacaity, maoist activities since 22nd October. Sources said that because of a holiday for 4 days to notorious news papers, helped the government to curb all the crimes in the state.
"As news paper companies took a holiday for 4 days, we saw such a drastic fall in the crime rates in West Bengal. We expect the situation to remain as it is till 25th October, the last day of the leave of News Papers," said Jaya Das Gupta, IAS officer of the state.
"I haven't seen any murder or rape for last few days," said Pratik Banerjee, an auto rickshaw driver in Kolkata.
He said "Earlier, I used to see at least one rape or a bank robbery in the state. Even I was involved in at least 25-30 rapes. Sorry, actually I stopped counting from 20."
Pratik said that as he was not maoist he remained safe in spite of such a wonderful rape rate.
"Yea when Communist Party was ruling the state, I was damn hard core ass licking Communist. But when TMC came, I rejected to remain maoist," said Pratik indicating his loyalty towards Bengal Government.
However, the move to take a holiday in Durga Puja, exposed news papers as real culprit of crimes in the state.
"All news papers are maoists. They represent maoist activities and involved in maoism. Pulish put all editors, journalists and reporters in jail they are maoists. I will put an inquiry and will ban news papers so that West Bengal will be crime free state," said Chief Minister of West Bengal, Mamata Banerjee.

Dalals sued Sheila Dikshit aide for suing Kejriwal for calling her a 'dalal'

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , ,

NEWS IN BRIEF – POLITICS, SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY

Even India's RAW joined the movement

Dalals (Agents) in India, involving in real estate, commodities, stocks and many deals sued Sheila Dikshit's political secretary Pawan Khera on serving a legal notice to India Against Corruption's Arvind Kejriwal saying that what is so derogatory in calling as an 'agent'.

"Is this guy stu*id. What was so derogatory in calling somebody as agent? Is this the profession that cleans shit holes of dogs and pigs so that he felt calling Sheila as 'dalal' degrades her? He totally degraded us by putting a legal notice on Kejriwal just as he called her dalal," said Sachin Tiwari, President of All India Agents Association (AIAA).

While in his legal notice, Khera could not explain how the word 'dalal' was derogatory, all the agents demanded him the explanation.

"We want an explanation, that how does this word make somebody derogatory? So on that basis calling us dalal or agent would just literally makes us deterioratory element of society," said Sachin Tiwari.

According to sources, even Government's wing RAW (Research and Analysis Wing) will also support the movement against Khera. Most of the workers in RAW are called as 'agents'.

"Yea, we are actually taking a cautious stand. We sent an application to Government to change our names from agents to something else, like ministers or corporators otherwise we will also agitate with All India Agents Association," said Director of RAW, Sanjeev Tripathi.

He said "Just because of Honourable Mr. Khera we actually understood that how much hideous word 'Agent' is."

Nitin Gadkari resigns from politics, to focus on business related core issues

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 22 October 2012 | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Cash is sufficient now to run businesses and health would be next focus

BJP President, Nitin Gadkari resigned from his post amid rising serious allegations of corporate fraud on him. Gadkari said in his resignation letter that now as everything has been transferred from politics to his businesses, he can focus on core business related issues.

"It is better to focus on my business rather than wasting time to give answers to media," said Nitin Gadkari.

He said "Now, there is hardly any scope to transfer 'benami' property and funds from the corporate world, as the corporate world is facing recession and government is very slow in reforms, I felt it better to use the money that I received from various transactions in businesses and recreational activities. There is no scope to earn more."

Gadkari confirmed that the focus will not be just on businesses but he would also improve his health, particularly reducing his weight in natural way.

"I have already purchased a book 'Don't Lose Your Mind Lose Your Weight' and planning to join a city based gym as well. I think I will convert my bulky tummy into 6-packed stomach within next 6 months if I wouldn't have any other work," said Nitin Gadkari.

Sources said that Gadkari is also planning to join dance classes to learn cha-cha-cha dancing with the money he received from illegal transactions.

"Yea that's true. I am planning to have cha-cha-cha (Gadkari gave demo to India Satire correspondent) in Manish Malhotra Dance Institute," said Nitin Gadkari.

However, if he would face some kind of shortage of money in near future, Gadkari replied "I will join politics again for funds. It is the best quarry where you can dig money."

Robert Vadra deliberately stopped himself from grabbing land in South Uganda

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Saturday, 20 October 2012 | Posted in ,

TOP STORY - POLITICS

Media's constant inquiry what he does everyday led to slow policy decisions

Son-in-Law of India's first family, Robert Vadra stopped himself from illegally snatching the land in South Uganda, located in African continent, after he came to know that he was daily tracked by notorious Indian media.

"Hey dude, feels bad as illegal capture of land should be done in hidden manner and that is real popular notion. However, everyday media paparazzi are following me day and night creates serious set back and all the land grabbing exercises are on hold. Seriously, we found a good 1000 acre land in South Uganda but because of media's stupidity, decision on acquiring that land is on hold. I am really fed up with India's policy paralysis. All major corporate decisions get locked up by media's intervention," Robert Vadra expressed his concern to India Satire correspondent over media's consistent follow up on his daily schedules.

Media is running after Robert Vadra, who is Priyanka Gandhi's husband and Sonia Gandhi's son-in-law since IAC activist Arvind Kejriwal claimed that DLF gave special discount offer only to Vadra.

Vadra said "These guys are fu*king my brain since that Kejriwal produced evidences against me out of sheer jealousy of not getting discount vouchers from DLF. If I only got those discount vouchers then what is my mistake. Now this media is finding out illegal land in Rajasthan as well, which myself I forgot. Right now my interest is buying Uganda's land but because of media's continued focus on me just delayed the decision."

South Uganda's prices which were falling sharply for last 25 years, becuase of no one was interested in purchasing land suddenly sky rocketed overnight by 2000% when buzz was released that Robert Vadra showed his keen interest for illegally purchasing a piece of 1000 acres of land.


"First everybody in Uganda was thinking that the land they have is a crap. But when we came to know that some guy Robert Vadra from India was shown his keen interest in grabbing, looting the land in Uganda, we came to know the real worth of our land and prices suddenly surged by 2000%," said Makawa Mugambe, a land expert (recent innovative career in Uganda).

Till the time Kejriwal had to say anything about Vadra, prices were already rose by 25000 times, but since the name of Robert Vadra came into picture, the prices are subdued.

"We are keenly watching the developments. When media will stop circulating news about Vadra and he will position himself for grabbing land illegally here, we will again start increasing the prices," said Daniel L Fugabe, a popular real estate developer of South Uganda.

Daniel L Fugabe, popularly called as DLF in Uganda said "We also offered special concession of 80-90% to Mr. Vadra whenever he wants to purchase, land or flats in South Uganda."

However, overall developments irritated Vadra a lot, as pending decisions and rising land prices in Uganda just delayed all his decisions.

"I am damn exhausted from all these nasty things. I love grabbing land illegaly. That is my passion and kinky obsession. But because of this media and Kejriwal, all my hopes to add more and more illegal land is gone in vain," said Robert Vadra.

Sharad Pawar said that he has properties of only worth 15 trillion dollars

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 19 October 2012 | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Irritated with weird guesses of economists, social activists, media panelists and anti-corruption reformers, India's Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar finally announced that he is a richest person of not just in India but also world and he has assets worth more than 15 trillion dollars.

"Hey guys stop estimating and making wild guesses. Value of my assets is 15.54 trillion dollars (i.e. 15540 billion dollars or 30,04,70,000 crore rupees), that means I have more than 30 double crore rupees. So it is better now you go and seat in your home and have some time to relax," said India's Agriculture Minister and powerful politician Sharad Pawar.

Sharad Pawar also confirmed that his wealth is growing faster than American GDP and it would be double than US GDP in next 10 years.

"Yea actually I am very progressive by nature. I invest in the countries which are expected to grow faster or exponential. Simply business of corruption is most lucrative among any businesses. Most of the countries have my money invested through this name that name or any kind of name. I also have 55 bunglows filled with huge amount of cash. Even I have kept 100s of warehouses for keeping coins in dollars, rupees, yuans, yens etc. Whenever RBI requires change, it asks me. Even those different stamps you saw on coins those are decided by me. I also print huge amount of currency through my printing presses. What do you think those all printing presses for currencies are owned by RBI? Forget it, all of them are owned by me," Sharad Pawar educated India Satire correspondent.

He said "I also believe in fast money creation with more and more money changing the hands. So I try to create money by motivating others to change their hands. For example, if Shrivastav wants some government approval he just go to Peon Kamble who asks some 100 rupees and then spend on Vijay Mallya's beer who makes profit from it and then invest in different businesses, generates jobs etc (forget that he is not paying anything to his staff). So this is a faster way to develop economy."

Talking about his property, Sharad Pawar said "Actually, since 1970 when I last valued my property it was worth around 5-6 trillion dollars, however, since then I have not calculated. It must be more than America's GDP for sure. Conservatively, I think it should be at least triple the money I had earlier."

However, Sharad Pawar appealed the entire India's population to stop wasting their precious time on counting his wealth and focus on their day to day work so that few more government servants and politicians become multi-billionaire.

'Student of the Year' is same old ridiculously boring and useless movie but still its different - Karan Johar

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 18 October 2012 | Posted in , ,

INTERVIEW - SACH MUCH KI KHOL

Promised taking more revenge on audience in this movie as well

He is back, back with vengeance, back with revenge and back with more revenge on audience. He is there to push entire audience in mud and tell them don't dare again to watch my movies filled with high levels of stupidity and absurdity, he is back with more such power. He is Karan Johar, talking exclusively to India Satire film correspondent on his new movie 'Student of the Year' and how the movie is different than its old counter parts.

India Satire Correspondent (ISC): Welcome Karan Johar to India Satire's office. Thanks for giving us time on our cover page 'Sach much ki khol'.

Karan Johar (K-Jo): Hey thanks for inviting me. But please call me K-Jo. That suits well to my NRI audience. They like me to read as K-Jo, as like J-Lo.

ISC: Ahh.. sorry K-Jo! So you must know the rules of this page on India Satire, you have to talk true and can't hide anything.

K-Jo: Yea that what I know and that is why I am here. Talking lie everyday is ridiculous stuff and now you can see my tummy which rose because of accumulated gases of more and more lie. I would love to release them here. Brrrrrr.... and farting loudly.

ISC: Ah ok ok... Please keep your emotions in limit. You can release your words here while gases any way you can release outside the office.

So my first question is how Student of the Year is different from conventional new comer movie which were released 10-20 years back.

K-Jo: Oh not at all. It is not at all different movie. It is same old jerk and stupid story that I have just released in a polished manner. That same ridiculous love triangle and same stupid girl for which two idiots fight each other like, ah as Beni Prasad Verma said dogs barking day and night.

ISC: But don't you think in any love triangle that is the main essence. Fight for your love.

K-Jo: Yea therefore what I am showing is not different from few directors shown in yesteryears.

ISC: But in your earlier interviews you said that you will show drama, emotions, great characters, their acting and great stage of fight for love.

K-Jo: That what I have to tell for promoting any movie otherwise who would have got to see my stupid movie 'My Name Is Khan'. See I spent crores of rupees on the costumes and stupid sets which we have to recover in some way. Take example of My Name Is Khan, one of the worst creations of Indian Cinema in last say 100 years at least. But now how can I say myself that it was worst creation. And believing that audience would not think it as worst creation would have been stupidity. Therefore, what I did was that day I called American Police and told them that this Shahrukh Khan is a terrorist and came to US just to fu*k the brains of all the Americans and American Indians. What had happened next you know better than me?

ISC: But don't you think that there must be something different you might have added in the Student of the Year.

K-Jo: What the f*ck? I haven't given anything different but yea I have improvised myself with this movie. So if you say this movie is improved version of my earlier flicks then I can't deny that.

ISC: Oh improved version! In what sense you are talking? Directional values? Script? Screenplay? or artistes?

K-Jo: No man I can't understand how much a big dickhead you are. See this movie is improvisation in only one sense; a larger revenge on my audience. Anybody will come to watch this movie, will face my revenge. The audience will never understand what is happening, it will never be allowed to pause the movie and with new characters who instructed strictly to give no expression, my audience will be pissed off. And still I told theater owners to keep latrines off so that the audience will sucked off more and more. Oh that what I like to do with my audience. Wow! Suck their blood and pissed them off.

ISC: But in your prolong career don't you feel you gave something different to your audience?

K-Jo: Yea I gave them few different things first gay appeal to every next movie, pink car and pink dresses in every movie and new expressionless characters in this movie.

ISC: So please give your concluding remarks to your fans?

K-Jo: You still didn't understand, my movie is just like 'Bhoot Returns'. I am same Ram Gopal Varma in a more polished look. He sucks audience blood with terribly horrible movies and I suck my audience's blood with ridiculously useless and stupid movies.

(Laughing loudly ha ha ha…. he he he… hoo hoo hoo, K-Jo simply removed 50% of skin on his facing showing other side as Ram Gopal Varma's face. He said "We both are same I am half Ramu and Ramu is half K-Jo. He he he.... ha ha ha....)


Sonia Gandhi to speak in 'Kannada' just to lure Karnataka people in her Mangalore meet today

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi has learnt few words of Kannada which she will speak in front of party activists and general public in Mangalore meet today. The words include saying hi, how are you, where do you stay, how much you eat and you seem to be abused heavily by BJP Government.
"We sent a teacher to Madamji for teaching her few words and sentences in Kannada so that she can easily lure the vote bank here," said Karnataka Pradesh Congress Committe (KPCC) president G Parameshwara.
He said "Teacher, Gowda Ramesh was the most efficient and capable Kannada teacher from Mangalore whom we selected for giving proper training to Madamji."
Sonia also learnt the translation of sacrifice, mother and motherly love.
"I told her what it is Kannada for 'I am mother of all of you and want to give all of you my motherly love'," said Gowda Ramesh who was in Delhi for 15 days to give training to Soniaji.
G Parameshwara said "It is easy to lure Karnataka people by just talking in Kannada language. We told Madamji, come here and start talking in Kannada and we will get lot of votes."

Nitin Gadkari revealed with his wet eyes that Arvind Kejriwal is actually doing what he was told to improve Gadkari’s image

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 17 October 2012 | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

He also confirmed that Kejriwal's party is actually BJP's Party B

Confirming that the allegations made by Congress Party leaders are true, BJP President Nitin Gadkari revealed that what Arvind Kejriwal's upcoming party is the party 'B' of BJP and Kejriwal is actually trying to improve his image by making many allegations.

"Yes, this time whatever Digvijay Singh said was correct. First time that guy made sensible allegation," said Nitin Gadkari.

He said "Arvind Kejriwal's party is actually party B of BJP and is actually improving my image by alleging on the corruption front."

Arvind Kejriwal yesterday put charges on Nitin Gadkari, that Gadkari has five power and three sugar industries in Maharashtra and that he has built a huge business empire within a short period and it includes more than 15 companies in sectors like construction, sugar, power, coal, agro and others.

Gadkari said with wet eyes "Whatever Kejriwal, my brother told you was correct, but because of prolonged recession, the value of my assets remained unchanged over the last four years. And that what I wanted to prove I am still poor and hungry, a deprived animal which nobody really used to believe. But because of my brother Kejriwal now everybody will start trusting me."

Gadkari was a bit emotional and few drops of tears were flowing on his cheeks.

He said "Now as Kejriwal put different allegations on me I got a chance to make statements that take my blood but don't make such kind of hineous charges on me. I can also say that kill me or put a dagger in my shoulder but don't say I am corrupt. I will get chance to cry, weep loud in front of you and to tell you guys to kick on my ass one by one as my life was open book and nothing hidden. I have never indulged in corruption, etc. etc. I will get chance to show my bulgy emotional side and ask you to vote poor and deprived guy like me."

However, Congress came across strongly against Kejriwal and Gadkari nexus when Gadkari revealed the real point in making Kejriwal as the head of its Team B.

"Looking at Gadkari's acting we started believing that Congress Party is BJP's 'C' Party," said Digvijay Singh.

Nation thinking that how did Salman Khurshid screwed himself by making comment on Arvind Kejriwal

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

QUOTES UNQUOTES

What prominent personalities have their saying on Salman Khurshid

Prominent personalities of India, provided their comments to India Satire on Salman Khurshid's challenge for Arvind Kejriwal that he can enter Farrukhabad (Salman's constituency), but how will he return'? And I have worked with a pen but am prepared to work with blood.

Few Indians felt that it was a funny statement made by Salman, few think that Salman was actually gay and forcing Kejriwal to stay there.

I believe he was asking him to come but never allow to go back, because he is gay - Karan Johar

Khurshid can't be so pushy for his guests, he can call me if he wanted to invite somebody, I visit all the mango men houses - Rahul Gandhi

For just a matter of 71 lakh rupees Salman should not make Kejriwal as his honourable guest, I could have understood if the figure was 71 cr rupees - Beni Prasad Verma

He he he... Salman has little learnt from me, how stupid he is - Manmohan Singh

WTF, gay marriages should not be allowed in India, I will complain it to Soniaji - Aruna Roy

He is inspiring me to make Bhoot Returns Again. He he he God save my audience from my haunted face - Ram Gopal Varma

Devastated Law Minister Salman Khurshid approached Abhishek Manu Singhvi to get instant popularity after rejection from Elite Club of Corrupt Politicians

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

INTERVIEW

I want to make my 'own CD' - Salman Khurshid

I am totally devastated after my dream of joining some of the few people out there in the country who made huge chunk out of using their enormous amount of power coming from the business of politics shattered on account of unequal distribution of wealth.

The way few people control power in our country and no authority to mango man is a damn fuc*ing idea of a Banana Republic that we follow in our India. It's democracy yaar, every guy is important and every damn fu*king ass hole that is into business of corruption is also significant. Why there are so many layers that billion dollar club of Corrupt People. A Trillion Dollar club of corrupt people, ridiculous!

The idea came into my mind was making a club which would equally give importance to all the people in the business of corruption. It's not like a person with corruption of 71 lakh rupees is any way not significant against a person who made money from deals of more than what a lakh crore rupees.

The reason why I support so much of equality of distribution of wealth can be traced back to yesterday's event that shattered my dream into pieces. Yesterday, with much of hopes I went to join All India Elite Club of Corrupt Politicians (AIECCP) which is represented by guys like Suresh Kalmadi, A Raja and other big wigies. The club's President is A Raja while Sharad Pawar is Vice President. However, misfortunes of my life started from the gate of the club where security guard (ex-Income Tax Revenue Officer) totally tried to avoid me. Despite being an honourable Law Minister of largest democracy in the world he bluntly asked me who I am. Forget anything else. Still humbly, I told him that I was Law Minister Salman Khurshid and recently came into news for making money of around 71 lakh rupees through scam in NGOs. Then that guy allowed me to get into the building.

But life is miserable, these idiots Raja and Kalmadi thrashed all my hopes and put them into a trash bin saying that I am allowed entry in the club if I do a job of waiter or cleaner of building of corruption as my wealth generation was very low compared to them. I was shocked and felt like crap when my old buddies  A.raja  and Kalmadi denied any kind of help accessing the membership of the club. How is it possible that I can't access the club which had members such as Suresh Kalmadi, Laloo yadav, Madhu koda and others? Kalmadi told me "We are buddies, Salman bhai, but we have our own protocol. We follow principles and our minimum membership requirement is 100 crore scam. We can't give elite membership to any mango man who generates a kind of paltry 71 lakhs from corruption. Otherwise, every peon of Government office will seek membership of this club. Better luck next time. Till then keep playing with Rahul baba."

M.koda added "Ayo, better if you spend few months in tihar jail too, it makes CV stronger." Even I can't forget that rude watchman who called me 'low' minister. How shitty! I just left that premise immediately and came back to home with heavy heart and saddened face.

This was the time when I lost all the hopes of getting entry into great popularity in the evil's club of life when my darling wife Louise told me that if one door closes other opens. She told me that politicians are not just corrupt but they are thurkey too. They are nympho. Look at Abhishek, N.D. both have achieved names and powerful statures in the society because of their beliefs in God Shakti Kapoor. Call them up and get entry in that club.

Rising hopes again, I just called N.D.Tiwari, however, his servant told me that he was busy romancing his maid and does not like to get in a mid-way. I then called Abhishek who these days is free and who immediately gave me his helping hand. He said why don't you make your sex portfolio and release few dhasoo CDs to join AITK("All India Thurkey Association") headed by honorable N.D. tiwari and have national elite members like Abhisek manu himself, Swami Nityanand, Gulshan grover, even international elite guest elite members like Ttiger Woods, Shane Warne and Italian ex-President Berlusconi. All these guys are hardcore followers of God Shakti Kapoor. Singhvi also promised to provide assistance of his driver to shoot video and upload it in youtube and make me famous. He also promised me to arrange a meeting with N.D. Tiwari if any tips are required and all the blessings from Shakti Kapoor.

So in the realms of power, I have to be powerful so what if the power I get from eating Viagra or money. The power is power and I have to seek power, if corrupt people don't allow me to get into their club, thurkeys have always opened their arms to hug me to embrace me.

(The story was covered by our Special Correspondent 'Jhyap')


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