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Pratibha Patil announces Crash Course in becoming President and enjoying world tour

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 24 July 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Course will ensure the ideal candidate for India's President just like Pranab Mukherjee
While Pranab Mukherjee was busy taking President's oath, the outgoing President of India, Pratibha Patil announced a crash course for President which involves high tech knowledge in gaining public traction, party head attention, maintaining health for hectic country tours and understanding the true real estate valuation to plough the retirement income into land assets.
"Yea thats correct. I am launching a crash course which would help many people of the deprived sections of India such as P A Sangama, APJ Abdul Kalam, Bhairo Singh Shekhavat and Hameed Ansari to live the hopes of becoming India's president," said Pratibha Patil, in an interview with India Satire Correspondent.
She said "I want to make sure that the life of President should be more adventurous and enjoyable. All these qualities would be possessed by the candidate, after completing my course."
The course will also interact with the candidate on how to invest wisely and how the property assets are best for retirement safety.
Reacting to the question that does she promise confirm Presidential seat for the candidate, she said "Nothing is confirmed. But I will assure that all the qualities of a president's candidate that I have or even Pranabda has will be flowed to the candidates seeking this course. I will also give tips on how to impress Madamji."

Government appoints Bhola to give forecast of rains, as IMD faulters

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
Government will change IMD's name to I M Dumb
Indian government finally decided to appoint Bhola the rain forecaster of Sultan Village of Uttar Pradesh to give correct and possibly 99.99% right forecasts of rains.
"IMD is loser, never succeeds in giving true forecasts," said Food Minister KV Thomas.
He said "We identified Bhola from Sultan in Uttar Pradesh who is better in forecasting the rains. We also plan to change Indian Meteorological Department's name to I M Dumb please kick on my ass."
Indian Meteorological Department (IMD) is the only forecaster which gives the rain fall forecasts to farmers of India. Its forecasts usually falter from what actual results are.
K V Thomas said "I personally asked other villagers, they said they never believe in IMD's forecasts and Bhola who just takes some food from the villagers is more reasonable for them. We also thought wasting lakhs of rupees on dumb officials which not even touch 98% levels of what actually happens is not a good idea and thought to spend a bit of 2-3 thousand odd rupees on Bhola."
While IMD's reactions were not yet received, Bhola said he is very happy to provide his expert services to the government.

Nithyananda on P A Sangama

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 22 July 2012 | Posted in ,

NITHYANANDA VANI
Oozing without Snoozing
Jail life is difficult. You are away from real natural things for example greenery which surrounds you and totally become yours. After a life with green Vegas, sorry Las Vegas nobody would like to see the jail people. I actually moved to US just because I could be more natural, however, people here in India hate naturalists and they just make some idiotic sting operations.
Hey just recalled something when I told about sting operations. I have to congrats Pranab Mukherjee for becoming 13th President of India and joining Raisina Hills. Ooommm… raisins I really like raisins.. where are they… Oh sorry just a bit off track. Yea so I was talking about Pranab Mukherjee. I believe he doesn't have capabilities of enjoying raisins still got Raisina Hills which makes me feel little bit jealous about him as he got a place where he wouldn't be tracked besides moving outside India. Great! Even ND Tiwari would have thinking on the same lines. Tiwariji, I love you. Whenever, I recall that photo of him oops… a jaagruthi of love and lust both come at a time. Oh again off track… So there would be no cameras in his bedroom and private places, I could have been over there. Sucks! why didn't that idea get inside my intelligent brain earlier? I could have managed to get Karunanidhi's vote in my favor and thereby also UPA's votes. Forget it, next time I will try for President Election if Rahul Gandhi doesn't fit for it.
By the way, I really feel sad for people who have problem of Premature Ejaculation and therefore I really have sympathies for PA Sangama. I heard that PA Sangma lost his control and went to court for asking to call the elections were fixed. Beta Sangma, I feel sad for you almost as much as I feel for the people with Premature Ejaculation problems. People with this kind of problem ooze without snooze and not snoozing before oozing.  These are the people who almost see the most beautiful structure but can't enjoy. Such losers are they. I had no issues with them but unfortunately I feel bad for you Sangma. You could take some medicines of vitamins and sit with Mamata for few days to take the lessons of how to convert, calmness into rage. Whenever I would get out of this jail, I will take yoga lessons of you which would give you permanent solution. It's just snoozing before oozing out. Till then enjoy your house.

Nokia announced revival plans, to sell mobile phones as antiques

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 20 July 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - BUSINESS
Company expects antiques will fetch better value and valuation
Bleeding by competition and consistent fall in market share, Nokia finally announced its revival plan which would fetch better price and demand for its mobile phones and would help it to tap a niche market. The announcement was expected as the company reported 3 times more losses in Q2.
"We shall launch new range of Nokia Lumia under antique category so that it would attract niche customers like antique collectors," said Nokia CEO Stephen Elop.
Sources said that Nokia's falling market share and its inability to catch up new technologies and innovations by its competitors led to make such strong decision.
"That is totally mistaken. Our decision is not related to our falling market share, but just fitting the right product to right customers. Our marketing team which was working on understanding the taste of the customers said that many customers more than 50 or 60 years age and antique collectors loved having Nokia phones for its simplicity. The team's survey says that these customers still remember Nokia 7110, 5110," told Elop to India Satire Correspondent.
Elop showed the correspondent his own Nokia 5110 which he uses for daily purpose despite so much of innovation happened in the mobile handsets.
"I myself like to gather old and antique products. Nokia Lumia is for me, or for people like my tastes. It would be totally with old features in a newly designed phone. Designs will be like iPhone but all the features inside that phone would be a delicate and beautiful remembrance of 1990s," said Elop.
While Stephen Elop avoided talking about the price range, he said "The price has not decided but we think that the product will fetch at least 4-5 times that of upcoming iPhone."
Talking about market dynamics, Elop said "Market is good. We expect a 5-10 thousand customers for the first year and 100% market share in the antique mobile phone category."
It was speculated that Nokia is also trying to get a status of World Heritage Mobile Phone maker, Elop said "Yea we are trying for that which would give our new phones special status and would finally help us to improve selling price."

I am ready for bigger and larger roles in films - Sunil Shetty

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - BOLLYWOOD, POLITICS
Sunil Shetty told producers that he looks more mature and less stupid these days
Taking inspiration from Rahul Gandhi, Sunil Shetty told his producers that now he is ready for larger role in the films as he is a bit more mature, responsible and less useless film actor.
"I also learnt talking Hindi in Hindi slang," told Sunil Shetty to India Satire correspondent.
He said he is now feeling that he looks more mature and more utilizable as a great content in the movies.
"Film producers can use me in more prudent manner. I can blink my eye properly, can talk, can even act," said Sunil and showed correspondent that now he can raise eyebrows, then pull them down and also can show sadness and happiness on his face.
Film expert and famous adguru Prahlad Kakkar said "Actually, I am also observing a big change in Sunil for last 2-3 years. Earlier he used to look like hungry and lusty for Idli Sambhar and his lips were pretending the great amount of his thirst to drink rassam. But now he is different, he looks more sensible and less stupid. I also recommend producers to consider giving him larger roles."
Sunil Shetty was one of the bollywood actors whose length and duration of the roles contracted from 2 hours minimum in his early career to 15 to 20 minutes.
"Yea that is what I am telling. In spite of being my body expanded, my role started contracting. But Rahul Baba helped me to take a deeper inside view which suggested that I am also prepared to play few larger roles in films," said Sunil Shetty.

Western Railway motormen celebrated Rahul Gandhi's larger role in Congress Party by shutting local trains

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF – POLITICS, SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
All motormen gathered and kept silence for 5 hours, showing support to Rahul Baba
At least 400 motormen of Western Railway stopped working for 5 years celebrating the news that Rahul Gandhi agreed on larger role the Congress, giving their salutes to would be Prime Minister of India.
"Actually, people misunderstood with the strike rather than we stopped working," said Pradip Mahajan, one of the motormen who also shut his local and went to Azad Maidan in Mumbai just to celebrate the news that Rahul Baba will play a larger role.
He said "We actually wanted to celebrate the news by keeping a silence for some time to show we are also ready for Rahul Gandhi to act larger and more mature."
After the silence hour, all 434 motormen started their trains and served the Mumbai Passengers.
Reacting to such a wonderful crowd surrounding and gathering to celebrate, Congress Party issued a thanks giving note.
"We are overwhelmed with the support of so many common Indian masses. Thanks to Western Railway motormen for giving their undisputed support. I appeal to all the idiot passengers that when such kind of celebrations happen don't consider it as strike and please don't make chaos. I would suggest them to go with motormen and support their celebration party," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Indian government to form Rain Ministry to stabilize rain situation in India

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 19 July 2012 | Posted in , ,

TOP STORY – POLITICS, BUSINESS, SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
Infosys is appointed to solve the cloud related issues
In a rapid action plan for rain deficient India, the government appointed Rain Ministry on the urgent basis, according to sources close to the development.
"The government will announce India's first Rain Minister shortly," told a source, which requested anonymity.
He said "India's situation is becoming quite fearsome, and government seriously felt requirement to appoint a seperate ministry regarding rains, as it was quite related to Indian people. This ministry will allocate budget on repairing, maintaining and stabilising clouds in the skies."
The sources also told India Satire correspondent that Infosys has been already appointed for the repair and maintenance work of cloud. The company will offer entire range of cloud related services which include Cloud Ecosystem Integrator, Cloud strategy and planning, Cloud enablement, Cloud migration, Cloud security and Cloud sustenance.
"Infosys is specialised in cloud related skills also they have free employees on the benches which can easily remove all the plugs of pollutions on the clouds and open all the holes so that rain can easily pass through," told the official source.
The government is trying to stabilise the situation before the parliamentary session on August 8 starts, as it would avoid unnecessary ruckus created by opposition parties. While all the clouds are choked up and needed to get unplugged.
Minister of Environment, Jayanthi Natarajan said "Actually, I can't divulge the details about Rain Ministry but the government is trying to act fast. A panel of empowered group of ministers (EGoM) will soon visit the climate and will check where actually blockages have come to the clouds. Infosys is going to send us in the clouds through its undisputed cloud computing technology."
Infosys management confirmed the development and said the company has achieved immense talent in cloud computing, stabilising, repairing and maintaining them.
The company's CEO and MD S. D. Shibulal said "We have many free employees lying in the company. However, they are well trained in clouds and we are happy that the government has chosen us for such a wonderful unique profile."
According to sources, this is first of its kind of job that Infosys received from the government.
The company's Co-Founder and Executive Co-Chairman S. Gopalakrishnan said "We have a great toolkit to open all the blockages in the cloud. The company has developed its own hammer, screws and nut-bolts to repair the cloud. We have a big broom to clean the cloud. Plus we shall give 5 big empty buckets to feel the water to each software professional so that he would not come empty handed if he unables to remove the blockages. The movement of rain would be very smooth and clear. Howerver, for first 2-3 days rains would be unclear as we expect there may be a lot of pollution and mud has developed. However, by using our expertise into cloud computing, we shall resolve that issue too."
It has been said that Infosys has offered 5 extra holes from themselves for free each cloud.
"Yes that is our policy, we offer value addition to the service at free of cost. We also expect this particular contract will take our ROE to new highs," said Gopalakrishnan.

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