Headlines

Sushil Kumar Shinde showed his power by switching power plug off

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 30 July 2012 | Posted in



NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Government immediately plans to restore him on Home Minister's position
India's Power Minister, Sushil Kumar Shinde is happiest man in UPA today. According to sources, the government has decided to switch his duty from Power Ministry to Home Ministry, after he showed his immense power yesterday to seven states.

"Yes I can easily switch off power of seven states which I showed you yesterday, ha ha ha," said Sushil Kumar Shinde found saying his senior colleagues which included Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and Congress President Sonia Gandhi, according to sources.
He told them "I can do this action by my left smallest finger. If I use my 2 fingers it will switch off lights in half of the country and if I use my hand it will switch off entire country. He he he. I have immense power. I am electrified and totally became a 25000 MW power man, most powerful man in the history of India."
Happy with his immense electrifying power, Sonia Gandhi decided him to promote to better position of home ministry.
"Madamji was sure that Sushil Kumar Shinde can use his immense power in home ministry which has seen lackluster activities since P Chidambaram took this portfolio," said the source close to the development.
Congress spokesperson, Manish Tewari said "Shinde has proved his immense clout by breaking the power connections in seven states and therefore Congress High Command has decided to give him the powerful job of home ministry. However, decision is not yet final."
India Satire correspondent when asked Sushil Kumar Shinde about the development, he denied giving interview and told that he would come in front of public after the confirmation of the development.

UPA government will launch Rahul Gandhi as beta version of Prime Minister

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in



WAR FOR ELECTIONS 2014
People can switch over from Manmohan Singh to Rahul Gandhi in one click but not from Rahul Gandhi to Manmohan Singh
Taking a revolutionary decision that can inspire world politics, UPA today said that it will launch Rahul Gandhi as the beta version of the prime minister, making available Indians an option from switching over from Manmohan Singh. However, the party has made difficult to to switch from Rahul to Manmohan.

"Yes we are considering Rahul Baba to now take the loads of hit that Prime Minister faces. Errr.... sorry he should take more responsibility towards betterment of Indians, particularly aam aadmis," said Salman Khurshid, India's Law Minister.
He said “This would be a beta version and actual full fledge launch of the Prime Minister in 2014. As it is he would be the prime minister from 2014 so people would get to see his real work and some of his fans who are eager to see him becoming Prime Minister can switch quickly.”
The idea came, after a lot of Congress Senior Leaders were asking to take responsibility, few of them also requesting him to become prime minister.
Digvijay Singh, a senior leader of the Congress Party who was first to raise the voice that Rahul Gandhi is most eligible bachelor to become India's Prime Minister said "Actually, idea came to my mind while watching my tumbling share prices on Bombay Stock Exchange (BSE) website. BSE’s website has a fresh version and old version and people can easily switch from one to other. The idea is such that by using new version Indians can get accustomed to it. So I discuss this idea with Soniaji who was very happy on my brain's thought process. Now we can provide people an option to choose old version or fresh version."
BSE Websites Older Version and New Version with easy switching facility
However, the sources said that the UPA government has not provided any option to switch from Rahul Gandhi to Manmohan Singh to people who chose to go with Rahul Gandhi.
"That is not totally correct. We have provided such option, but it is difficult to use and people would undergo serious psychotherapy taste and require bringing psychiatrist certificate," said Manish Tewari.
He said "The idea is that to understand those people who want to switch, as while whole country is eagerly waiting for buttery and delicious looking Rahul Baba with so much ideas and fundas in place, why few want to switch over. Are they become insane, idiots or stupids? So it is the process to check mental weakness of those people and if serious thing found they will be admitted to Mental Asylum."

Ajanta to launch brand Nitish Kumar Clocks

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in


NEWS IN BRIEF- POLITICS
Pendulum is considered to be a best place to reflect his image
To try to save lagging Indian wall clock's industry, a leading clock manufacturer Orpat Clocks signed agreement with Nitish Kumar to promote its variety of Ajanta wall clock brands under the brand extension 'Pendumal'.

"Nitish Kumar is a great brand image these days and we planned to use his growing strength to promote different varients in Ajanta," said Orpat's MD Pravin Bhalodia.
He said "Nitish Kumar is just like a pendulum of Clock a real revering flow of one end to other end. He takes quick decisions, in a fraction seconds on whether to support UPA or NDA, makes him most ideal candidate to represent these classic clocks which are quickly phasing out in India. We are going to brand these clocks ‘Ajanta Pendumal Clocks’."
Nitish Kumar who recently rejected Congress' request for FDI in retail earlier supported the government over Presidential issue. He also supported UPA on not supporting BJP's claims that Narendra Modi is India's ideal Prime Minister.
Sources close to Nitish Kumar said that he was considering the offer and would love himself to represent as an icon over pendulum rather than just giving his name.
"Nitish Kumar has an experience to represent pendulum activity of clock. Earlier he was more interested in Bihar's Chief Minister's position rather than NDA's Railway Ministership. Now, if chance gets he would really love to represent India and become Prime Minister than just to remain as a small chief minister," said the source.
He said "Nitish would himself like to call as Pendumal Kumar rather than Nitish Kumar a name closer to Pendulum."
Official comment is yet to receive from the Bihar's Chief Minister on the compensation offered by the company and where will be UPA and NDA on the left side and right side.

Roger Federer will announce his retirement after London Olympics

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 27 July 2012 | Posted in


NEWS IN BRIEF– OLYMPICS
Tennis giant says his fans are complaining on rising boredom in his game, looks like Boris Becker and Stephen Edberg
Tennis great Roger Federer said that he would retire immediately after London Olympics 2012, as his fans are complaining he became boring while hitting the ball with his racket and should choose something else as his career.

"Guys, one fan told me that I play like Boris Becker and Stephen Edberg were playing in their old days. Can you believe it? He compared with me buddies like Becker and Edberg rather than Sampras and Agassi. Tomorrow, I don't want to look a like Evan Landel whom his fans only had to push back out of the court. So I chose this option better to retire and join commentary box," said Roger Federer.
Roger Federer recently won his Wimbledon this year by defeating leading players (excl. Rafael Nadal).
Justifying his participation in London Olympics, he said "I am just comfortable on the grass courts and therefore I am here in London. So to my fans bear with me for some more time."

Hockey India said that all 11 hockey players of India would not try to hit the goal

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in


Team Indian Hockey plans to adopt few new strategies like making short passes and only attacking field would hit the goal post of the opposition team

NEWS IN BRIEF– OLYMPICS
Only Center forward and his right and left colleagues will hit at goal post
In a major development, Hockey India confirmed that this time not all the hockey players of India would hit at the goal post of the opposition in the Olympics and only 3 players at front end would do this job.

"We are aware that India is popular for playing as all the 11 players try to hit hard to reach the goal post from their respective places. However, this time we plan to do something different. This time our defence side would supply passes to mid-field which eventually will supply them to attacking field. Attacking field will ensure the ball reaches the goal post. Earlier we were using strategy that who ever it would be from defence or mid field or attacking field all were trying to take ball themselves and tried to make a goal. This time we thought to have some collaborative efforts," said Michael Nobbs, Coach of Indian Hockey team. He was talking about team’s performance and efforts to India Satire correspondent.
He added "The team will also make passes shorter upto 5-10 feets from earlier strategy of making 50-60 meters long passes."
India's goalkeeper and Captain Bharat Chetri said "I will just try to save the goal and will not really interested in consuming energy to hit the ball hard almost 40 mtrs to score the goal by myself. This time I think I would like attacking field do such thankless job."

Kasab asked Indian Citizenship after completing over 3 and half years here

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in


NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Afzal Guru plans to apply for Tihar Jail President Election this year
After spending over 3 years and almost to reach 4 th year, India's honorary guest Mohammed Ajmal Kasab submitted application for permanent Indian citizenship.  He requested to expedite the processes as it would help him to join politics or bollywood movies whenever he gets released from the jail.

"Actually, I know it requires 12 years to become the citizen of India on the basis of naturalization. But as I am already for 4 years here and now I don't want to move anywhere, then what is the issue for the government to consider me as an exceptional case," said Kasab. He also told India Satire correspondent that he has offers from Director Mahesh Bhatt for Jism 5 and Raaz 7 whenever he gets released from the jail.
Indian authorities confirmed that they had received a letter from Kasab and it is under the discussion.
"We have forwarded the letter to respective ministry which can consider it as exceptional issue. As it is Kasab will not be hanged by the government, and his predecessor Afzal Guru has been living here for over 10 years, what is the harm giving him citizenship of India," said the official with anonymity.
Meanwhile, Tihar Jail candidate approached jail authorities and submitted his participation for the elections of All India Jail Prisoners President.

Rastrapati Bhavan's 5th toilet stinks; Pranab says it as an international issue

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in


Pranab Mukherjee is thinking how to sort 
out this serious issue
NEWS IN BRIEF- POLITICS
Pranab called stinking toilet as 5thworld war and ask government to appoint high panel committee
In a serious issue that can become a national debate, when India's new President Pranab Mukherjee visited his toilet in Rashtrapati Bhavan (Raisina Hills) it was stinking badly. He called this as an international issue and asked government to set up a high level investigating committee on his sweeper Ramkisan Yadav. The development took place just after Pranabda attended his Presidential ceremony and called terrorism as 4th world war.

"Arey kaa bolu! Pranabji kaa to hum kaa kuch samajh naahi aawat hai. Oouuu paachave number kaa toilet maa gaye aur jhat se baahar nikal ke bolat rahe. Ee kaa hai... ee to 5th world war chal rahaa hai hiyaa aur bole Manmohan ko jaldi se bulaao," informed victim of Pranab Mukherjee's outrage, Ramkisan Yadav.
He said "Unhone hum kaa suspendwaa kiyaa hai aur bolat rahe ki humaar sir pe do do IAS officerswa ko lagaaye hai ki hamaare toilet saaf n karne ke peeche kiskaa haat hot rahe hai."
One Congress official source confirmed that Pranabda immediately took a meeting of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Home Minister P Chidambaram and Defence Minister AK Antony to sort out the issue.
"The consensus built on to appoint a high level committee of 2 IAS officials which would visit the toilets will do all kind of inspections by themselves personally, will talk to Ramkisan Yadav, and few other servants such as dhobi, maali, cook and driver and after 6 months they will submit their findings for proceedings," said the source, requesting anonymity.
Pranab Mukherjee confirmed the issue; he said "Itsh sho embarashing that we are shtill finding hover hour pershonal shit. I want to go behind. This ish 5 th world war for India and is intornashional isshue. Thish hash to short out here only."
Pranab Mukherjee in his Presidential speech said that fighting against terrosim was the fourth world war while cold war was third one. However, United Nations circulated that Pranabda was confused in numbering and world had only 2 world wars.
"I don't know how he arrived at such a weird number. I don't believe anybody can make such mistake in counting," said U.N. head Ban Ki-moon.

Mayawati's statue vandalized, now UP government is confused what to do with that distorted statue

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 26 July 2012 | Posted in


NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Samajwadi Spokesman denied that Akhilesh laughed looking at statue
Bahujan Samajwadi party (BSP) supremo and former Uttar Pradesh CM Mayawati's statue was vandalized by miscreants believed to be part of the UP Navnirman Sena. While Mayawati asked its supporters to keep their nerves calm, the UP government is confused over what to do now to that statue.
"The government has appointed a high level panel on discussing and taking decision over the treatment of vandalized statue under the leadership of Chief Minister Akhilesh Yadav. The panel will decide whether to move that statue away from the place or put some funds and put a head of Mayawati on the statue or to send it back to Mayawati's house," said Samajwadi Party spokesperson Rajendra Chowdhury.
He also denied the speculations that while watching the condition of the statue, Akhilesh Yadav laughed out loud and told that Akhilesh offered a very serious and dumb expression totally against what situation demanded. Chowdhury also informed that the Police investigations are going on, to get Mayawati’s lost purse from the statue. 

After Maruti, Infosys employees planned violence against their managers

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in


When Boss barks

TOP STORY- BUSINESS
Engineers will curse their managers with abusive words calling in their minds
According to an IB Alert, Infosys employees planned a Maruti Suzuki like violent protest against their managers which include 5 significantly bad abusive words to call in their minds.

After a violent protest at Maruti Suzuki plant in Manesar, Infosys employees also decided same intensity protests in the Infosys campus by calling their managers stupid and idiot in their minds showing their disrespect over work allocation, long work hours and ineligible idiot boss.
India Satire received a copy of Circular of Warning issued by IB (shown below). The circular says “Infosys employees plan to make violent protests against their respective managers in the similar lines of Maruti Suzuki, as the work conditions have deteriorated sharply for the company."
The circular also said that Infosys employees include high level Maoist supplied from US based California which are increasing the intensity of intolerance levels of other employees.
Click the image to enlarge
“That’s true. We have issued a red alert to Infosys and Karnataka Police and warned them about such protests created by the employees. Our first investigation report suggests that Californian Maoists are involved in such kind of protests,” said an Intelligence Bureau (IB) Official, requesting anonymity.
Official said "There were many sadist Californian IT professionals which were thrown out of their respective organisations in the recessionary period, which joined Indian IT Professionals turned Maoists (IIPM), a banned organisation. Most of them are now working for Infosys and few other IT companies. Recently, they became active in these companies by increasing the intolerance levels of their other colleagues against allocated stupid jobs and long working hours."
A survey conducted by Business Today-AC Nielsen, gives astonishing figure that the temper of IT employees is increasing by 30% every year since 2008 and it will reach to warning levels in next 2 years.
Pradeep Sharma, Business Today surveyor said “Generally, IT employees, particularly from Infosys were known as cool dudes but for past 2 years they lost this status and there is no difference between a person carrying 50kg boxes of industrial material and Infosys employee.”
IB official said that the Maoists took the benefits of rising temper of the IT professionals and now they have been pulled into a serious protest.
He said "The protests would be 5 abusive words (list given below) calling in their own minds to their managers whenever he asks them for long working hours or gives some stupid expressions."
Few Infosys employees agreed that they are going to start such kind of violent protests.
"Our managers are such losers that they deserve few gaaliyas (abusive words). However, we shall also touch base it by some non violence told by Mahatmaji and we shall call him stupid or loser in our mind only," said an employee of Infosys.
List of Abusive words
Stupid
Idiot
Loser
Saala (under debate to check is it really authentic to call him saala)
Paagal

Sonia Gandhi on visit to Rae Bareli, will discuss problems of India

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 25 July 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
She asked regional leaders to think India before arriving at her constituency
Sonia Gandhi said she will discuss all the problems in India in her Rae Bareli visit. The problems involve rising Jaylalitha's dominance in Tamil Nadu, falling tourist arrivals in Kerala and how to capture Madhya Pradesh constituency in the next assembly elections.
"What is the logic in discussing those similar problems with villagers? How can I fit a water connection for their toilets and what is there if they are not getting electricity? Shall I send it from my house? How stupid is it? I feel that regional problems are just narrow mindsets and we have to think more national and if possible global too. See how rising unemployment is hurting Greece and how aged people are becoming stress for Spain. I will talk to my constituency people that they should become more macro and think national and international. Discussing those same problems which were there last time of the elections is such an stupid idea," said Sonia Gandhi to the reporters.
Sonia Gandhi will arrive on a two-day visit to her parliamentary constituency Rae Bareli on Thursday. While first day program was few inaugarations such as Firoz Gandhi Degree College and attending Iftar party, she said that next day don't talk with her on stupid issues such as drainage problems and pot holes on the roads.
"How will it help yaar? Think big and behave big, you will find these are the petty issues," she said.

Kasab and Afzal Guru sent best wishes to New President of India, Pranab Mukherjee

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Both asked another 6 years extension
India's guest of honour since 2008, Mohammed Ajmal Kasab sent his best wishes to India's new President Pranab Mukherjee with great complements over Pranabda's motherly nature and love and affection towards his next term.
"Dude, I wish a great term of President of India for next 6 years. Our earlier first citizen of this country, Pratibhaji enjoyed her full term for 6 years with having holidays across the world. I wish such an enjoyable joy ride for you too. Guy, you can also learn from experiencing her vision to not to shit any kind of paper which includes papers of my execution and just focused on sheer enjoyment for life making herself an eternal soul. I wish all the best to you for the next term and wish that you will never hear the demonous names like Kasab and Afzal throughout your Presidential career," said Kasab in his letter to President.
Another letter that came from Afzal Guru who is a guest of Tihar Jail since 2004, said "I really believe on Indian constitution which is basically rooted on the principal of forgiveness. Therefore, I forgave all of you for putting me in the jail despite my holy work and I also believe that with your so much integrity towards softness, you will definitely get some bit of love from me."
While Pranabda is yet to comment on the matters of the letters, he is actually working a white paper on the reasons of 5th world war.

After IMD's stupid forecasts, Hindustan Unilever plans to make its own rain forecasts

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 24 July 2012 | Posted in

TOP STORY - BUSINESS
HUL will use Infosys's clouds to compute the measurement of rains
Happy with its own great results and fine with entering unnecessary field like fabric whitener and water purifier, HUL plans to start its own rain forecasting business division. Though, industry is divided in giving its independent view, the development is expected to stir entire political and industrial arena of India. HUL earlier warned India on draught like situation and it will use this experience in entering the area of rain forecasting.
"Guys, it's necessary. IMD never touched its own forecasts. It is like Infosys which never gave its own managers a satisfaction to reach its own targets. We seek greater opportunities of business and profit making in rain forecasting," said HUL's CEO Nitin Paranjpe.
Industry sources said that HUL has experience in entering unnecessary businesses such as water purifiers and Ujala fame Fabric Whitener.
"This step is quite surprising and you can say not surprising too. Entering into these kind of businesses are more unnecessary than unrelated," said an analyst asking anonymity.
He said "No one can teach logic to HUL. So if it is going to make entry in the rain forecasting business then we only can judge the levels of investment it will make and what kind of margin it would get."
FMCG industry welcomed HUL's entry into the business.
FICCI President RV Kanoria said "That's great. HUL will give some accuracy to the forecasting of monsoon and people, particularly farmers would get at least a bit of accurate data. We have experienced from its product 'Pureit' that it can kill 99.9% viruses and its Lifebuoy soap cleans 99.9% germs while its toothpaste Pepsodent removes 99.9% plaque."
Nitin Paranjpe said "We shall send a team of rain forecaster, experts outsourced from equity research industry to forecast rains. Equity analysts, who forecast anything by experience, will also forecast rains for the farmers."
Sources speculated that HUL has identified Citigroup's equity analyst, who never gave 'Sell' recommendation on HUL and has immense experience of number crunching and huge data gathering. He also prepared 5 times more than 200 pages reports on FMCG industry and particularly HUL.
He said "Infosys will provide us cloud technology. It has great team which manages clouds from clouds. Our analysts will measure each and every centimeter of rain and will hover over the earth and whenever cloud gets stopped somewhere they will send us the message by using new age technology."
Infosys spokesperson confirmed the development and he said "We actually have speedometers to measure the speed of clouds moving from all directions. We are happy that HUL selected us for this new initiative."

Pratibha Patil announces Crash Course in becoming President and enjoying world tour

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Course will ensure the ideal candidate for India's President just like Pranab Mukherjee
While Pranab Mukherjee was busy taking President's oath, the outgoing President of India, Pratibha Patil announced a crash course for President which involves high tech knowledge in gaining public traction, party head attention, maintaining health for hectic country tours and understanding the true real estate valuation to plough the retirement income into land assets.
"Yea thats correct. I am launching a crash course which would help many people of the deprived sections of India such as P A Sangama, APJ Abdul Kalam, Bhairo Singh Shekhavat and Hameed Ansari to live the hopes of becoming India's president," said Pratibha Patil, in an interview with India Satire Correspondent.
She said "I want to make sure that the life of President should be more adventurous and enjoyable. All these qualities would be possessed by the candidate, after completing my course."
The course will also interact with the candidate on how to invest wisely and how the property assets are best for retirement safety.
Reacting to the question that does she promise confirm Presidential seat for the candidate, she said "Nothing is confirmed. But I will assure that all the qualities of a president's candidate that I have or even Pranabda has will be flowed to the candidates seeking this course. I will also give tips on how to impress Madamji."

Government appoints Bhola to give forecast of rains, as IMD faulters

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
Government will change IMD's name to I M Dumb
Indian government finally decided to appoint Bhola the rain forecaster of Sultan Village of Uttar Pradesh to give correct and possibly 99.99% right forecasts of rains.
"IMD is loser, never succeeds in giving true forecasts," said Food Minister KV Thomas.
He said "We identified Bhola from Sultan in Uttar Pradesh who is better in forecasting the rains. We also plan to change Indian Meteorological Department's name to I M Dumb please kick on my ass."
Indian Meteorological Department (IMD) is the only forecaster which gives the rain fall forecasts to farmers of India. Its forecasts usually falter from what actual results are.
K V Thomas said "I personally asked other villagers, they said they never believe in IMD's forecasts and Bhola who just takes some food from the villagers is more reasonable for them. We also thought wasting lakhs of rupees on dumb officials which not even touch 98% levels of what actually happens is not a good idea and thought to spend a bit of 2-3 thousand odd rupees on Bhola."
While IMD's reactions were not yet received, Bhola said he is very happy to provide his expert services to the government.

Nithyananda on P A Sangama

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 22 July 2012 | Posted in ,

NITHYANANDA VANI
Oozing without Snoozing
Jail life is difficult. You are away from real natural things for example greenery which surrounds you and totally become yours. After a life with green Vegas, sorry Las Vegas nobody would like to see the jail people. I actually moved to US just because I could be more natural, however, people here in India hate naturalists and they just make some idiotic sting operations.
Hey just recalled something when I told about sting operations. I have to congrats Pranab Mukherjee for becoming 13th President of India and joining Raisina Hills. Ooommm… raisins I really like raisins.. where are they… Oh sorry just a bit off track. Yea so I was talking about Pranab Mukherjee. I believe he doesn't have capabilities of enjoying raisins still got Raisina Hills which makes me feel little bit jealous about him as he got a place where he wouldn't be tracked besides moving outside India. Great! Even ND Tiwari would have thinking on the same lines. Tiwariji, I love you. Whenever, I recall that photo of him oops… a jaagruthi of love and lust both come at a time. Oh again off track… So there would be no cameras in his bedroom and private places, I could have been over there. Sucks! why didn't that idea get inside my intelligent brain earlier? I could have managed to get Karunanidhi's vote in my favor and thereby also UPA's votes. Forget it, next time I will try for President Election if Rahul Gandhi doesn't fit for it.
By the way, I really feel sad for people who have problem of Premature Ejaculation and therefore I really have sympathies for PA Sangama. I heard that PA Sangma lost his control and went to court for asking to call the elections were fixed. Beta Sangma, I feel sad for you almost as much as I feel for the people with Premature Ejaculation problems. People with this kind of problem ooze without snooze and not snoozing before oozing.  These are the people who almost see the most beautiful structure but can't enjoy. Such losers are they. I had no issues with them but unfortunately I feel bad for you Sangma. You could take some medicines of vitamins and sit with Mamata for few days to take the lessons of how to convert, calmness into rage. Whenever I would get out of this jail, I will take yoga lessons of you which would give you permanent solution. It's just snoozing before oozing out. Till then enjoy your house.

Nokia announced revival plans, to sell mobile phones as antiques

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 20 July 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - BUSINESS
Company expects antiques will fetch better value and valuation
Bleeding by competition and consistent fall in market share, Nokia finally announced its revival plan which would fetch better price and demand for its mobile phones and would help it to tap a niche market. The announcement was expected as the company reported 3 times more losses in Q2.
"We shall launch new range of Nokia Lumia under antique category so that it would attract niche customers like antique collectors," said Nokia CEO Stephen Elop.
Sources said that Nokia's falling market share and its inability to catch up new technologies and innovations by its competitors led to make such strong decision.
"That is totally mistaken. Our decision is not related to our falling market share, but just fitting the right product to right customers. Our marketing team which was working on understanding the taste of the customers said that many customers more than 50 or 60 years age and antique collectors loved having Nokia phones for its simplicity. The team's survey says that these customers still remember Nokia 7110, 5110," told Elop to India Satire Correspondent.
Elop showed the correspondent his own Nokia 5110 which he uses for daily purpose despite so much of innovation happened in the mobile handsets.
"I myself like to gather old and antique products. Nokia Lumia is for me, or for people like my tastes. It would be totally with old features in a newly designed phone. Designs will be like iPhone but all the features inside that phone would be a delicate and beautiful remembrance of 1990s," said Elop.
While Stephen Elop avoided talking about the price range, he said "The price has not decided but we think that the product will fetch at least 4-5 times that of upcoming iPhone."
Talking about market dynamics, Elop said "Market is good. We expect a 5-10 thousand customers for the first year and 100% market share in the antique mobile phone category."
It was speculated that Nokia is also trying to get a status of World Heritage Mobile Phone maker, Elop said "Yea we are trying for that which would give our new phones special status and would finally help us to improve selling price."

I am ready for bigger and larger roles in films - Sunil Shetty

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF - BOLLYWOOD, POLITICS
Sunil Shetty told producers that he looks more mature and less stupid these days
Taking inspiration from Rahul Gandhi, Sunil Shetty told his producers that now he is ready for larger role in the films as he is a bit more mature, responsible and less useless film actor.
"I also learnt talking Hindi in Hindi slang," told Sunil Shetty to India Satire correspondent.
He said he is now feeling that he looks more mature and more utilizable as a great content in the movies.
"Film producers can use me in more prudent manner. I can blink my eye properly, can talk, can even act," said Sunil and showed correspondent that now he can raise eyebrows, then pull them down and also can show sadness and happiness on his face.
Film expert and famous adguru Prahlad Kakkar said "Actually, I am also observing a big change in Sunil for last 2-3 years. Earlier he used to look like hungry and lusty for Idli Sambhar and his lips were pretending the great amount of his thirst to drink rassam. But now he is different, he looks more sensible and less stupid. I also recommend producers to consider giving him larger roles."
Sunil Shetty was one of the bollywood actors whose length and duration of the roles contracted from 2 hours minimum in his early career to 15 to 20 minutes.
"Yea that is what I am telling. In spite of being my body expanded, my role started contracting. But Rahul Baba helped me to take a deeper inside view which suggested that I am also prepared to play few larger roles in films," said Sunil Shetty.

Western Railway motormen celebrated Rahul Gandhi's larger role in Congress Party by shutting local trains

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in ,

NEWS IN BRIEF – POLITICS, SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
All motormen gathered and kept silence for 5 hours, showing support to Rahul Baba
At least 400 motormen of Western Railway stopped working for 5 years celebrating the news that Rahul Gandhi agreed on larger role the Congress, giving their salutes to would be Prime Minister of India.
"Actually, people misunderstood with the strike rather than we stopped working," said Pradip Mahajan, one of the motormen who also shut his local and went to Azad Maidan in Mumbai just to celebrate the news that Rahul Baba will play a larger role.
He said "We actually wanted to celebrate the news by keeping a silence for some time to show we are also ready for Rahul Gandhi to act larger and more mature."
After the silence hour, all 434 motormen started their trains and served the Mumbai Passengers.
Reacting to such a wonderful crowd surrounding and gathering to celebrate, Congress Party issued a thanks giving note.
"We are overwhelmed with the support of so many common Indian masses. Thanks to Western Railway motormen for giving their undisputed support. I appeal to all the idiot passengers that when such kind of celebrations happen don't consider it as strike and please don't make chaos. I would suggest them to go with motormen and support their celebration party," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Indian government to form Rain Ministry to stabilize rain situation in India

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 19 July 2012 | Posted in , ,

TOP STORY – POLITICS, BUSINESS, SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
Infosys is appointed to solve the cloud related issues
In a rapid action plan for rain deficient India, the government appointed Rain Ministry on the urgent basis, according to sources close to the development.
"The government will announce India's first Rain Minister shortly," told a source, which requested anonymity.
He said "India's situation is becoming quite fearsome, and government seriously felt requirement to appoint a seperate ministry regarding rains, as it was quite related to Indian people. This ministry will allocate budget on repairing, maintaining and stabilising clouds in the skies."
The sources also told India Satire correspondent that Infosys has been already appointed for the repair and maintenance work of cloud. The company will offer entire range of cloud related services which include Cloud Ecosystem Integrator, Cloud strategy and planning, Cloud enablement, Cloud migration, Cloud security and Cloud sustenance.
"Infosys is specialised in cloud related skills also they have free employees on the benches which can easily remove all the plugs of pollutions on the clouds and open all the holes so that rain can easily pass through," told the official source.
The government is trying to stabilise the situation before the parliamentary session on August 8 starts, as it would avoid unnecessary ruckus created by opposition parties. While all the clouds are choked up and needed to get unplugged.
Minister of Environment, Jayanthi Natarajan said "Actually, I can't divulge the details about Rain Ministry but the government is trying to act fast. A panel of empowered group of ministers (EGoM) will soon visit the climate and will check where actually blockages have come to the clouds. Infosys is going to send us in the clouds through its undisputed cloud computing technology."
Infosys management confirmed the development and said the company has achieved immense talent in cloud computing, stabilising, repairing and maintaining them.
The company's CEO and MD S. D. Shibulal said "We have many free employees lying in the company. However, they are well trained in clouds and we are happy that the government has chosen us for such a wonderful unique profile."
According to sources, this is first of its kind of job that Infosys received from the government.
The company's Co-Founder and Executive Co-Chairman S. Gopalakrishnan said "We have a great toolkit to open all the blockages in the cloud. The company has developed its own hammer, screws and nut-bolts to repair the cloud. We have a big broom to clean the cloud. Plus we shall give 5 big empty buckets to feel the water to each software professional so that he would not come empty handed if he unables to remove the blockages. The movement of rain would be very smooth and clear. Howerver, for first 2-3 days rains would be unclear as we expect there may be a lot of pollution and mud has developed. However, by using our expertise into cloud computing, we shall resolve that issue too."
It has been said that Infosys has offered 5 extra holes from themselves for free each cloud.
"Yes that is our policy, we offer value addition to the service at free of cost. We also expect this particular contract will take our ROE to new highs," said Gopalakrishnan.

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