Headlines

Finance Ministry announced 1 year agenda of new Finance Minister Manmohan Singh

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 29 June 2012 | Posted in

ALERT - POLITICS
Besides presenting the Union Budget, Finance Minister will make following statements every 2-3 months
India's finance minister announced new Finance Minister's plan of action for the Indian economy. Besides giving a watery Union Budget speech, Finance Minister Mr. Manmohan Singh will also give periodic statements.

1.     We shall take India back to a 9% growth trajectory, time line will change according to market conditions
2.     We need more policy reforms
3.     India is still a growth story
4.     We need to focus on efficient nation building, no explanation attached
5.     We need to cut expenses and bring value growth back
6.     We hope inflation will come down

A survey made by independent research suggests Amul's milk is thinner than water

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 28 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - BUSINESS
Company said that the milk is extracted from 'Holy Cow', making easy for people to achieve salvation
After a lot of complaints from consumers over the quality of the milk, an independent research wing of Milking Consumer Foundation (MCF) said  that water is thicker than Amul Taaza milk and forwarded its findings to world renowned Guiness Book of Records to note such a great revelation.
"It is not possible that the milk can be thinner than water. However, it is possible with Amul Taaza," said Ruchir Roy, surveyor of MCF.
He said "I am a loyal customer of Amul's milk and for last 1 decade I have observed a drastic reduction of the milk's thickness. Therefore, tried to measure it and I got such an astonishing results."
Ruchir Roy said India Satire correspondent that he sent his findings to Amul's parent Gujarat Cooperative Milk Marketing Federation Ltd (GCMMF) and also suggested that the management of the company can apply for getting into Guinness World Records as there is no other company which manages to reduce thickness of milk even below water.
"Yea we have received findings and suggestions from Ruchir Roy and we are considering to act on them," said GCMMF Managing Director R S Sodhi.
Sodhi said "We ourselves shocked after seeing those findings. These are our collaborative efforts to reduce milk's thickness to such a 0.01% levels."
Talking about the successful formula, Sodhi said "We actually extract milk from a lot of Holy Cows which drinks a lot of water and therefore we get such thinner milk. As this milk is from holy cows, it directly helps consumers to achieve salvation. Further whatever cream and butter we get that we sell to the guys with sin in mind. However, for pure milk consumers we feed them with no-fat and thinner than water milk considering their health in mind. Milk extracts and cream is totally unhealthy. Even I drink Amul Taaza and look at my body."

Saudi men to replace women in Olympic games

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 27 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - WORLD
Government's decision slaps Human Rights Watch
After Human Rights Watch criticized Saudi Arabia for imposing a ban on sports on millions of women and girls in the country, the government decided to replace Saudi women with men by telling them to wear burkas.
Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al Saud, the King of Saudi Arabia said "We want to prove Saudi Arabia is a very modern country and welcomes all the new things. By telling our men to wear burkas and contest in the Olympic games in 2012, Inshallah we shall also tell world that we have most modern culture."
A government source said that a rapid action team is working on selecting the various deprived Saudi men who want to visit foreign countries but couldn't.
Himesh Reshmia look a like
Jawahir bin Rahman to
Visit London Olympics

"They are poor but very talented. Many have looks and figures of women which we ourselves use when get bored with our millions of women. We thought why shouldn't we send them to Olympics," said Prince Mutaib bin Abdullah, the Commander of the Saudi National Guard.
"Gulfam e jannat, we want to go to Britain for playing all the games which ladies play," said Jawahir bin Rahman, an applicant.
However, sources said that many Saudi men have applied for replacing women for just watching beautiful British women closely.

Government announced Save Mamata campaign in line with Save Tiger

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 26 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWSWIRE
Campaign declared after scientists found Mamata didi usually gets overboard
 
(UPA Government announced a new campaign to save Mamata Banerjee in line with its campaign Save The Tigers. Indian government felt that Mamata Banerjee is a very unique sample in India and should need to preserve it carefully. In a survey declared last month scientists found that Mamata Banerjee is risked from herself of getting overboard every time. In the pan India campaign, government will ASK ALL INDIANS TO request Mamata Banerjee to seal her lips and stop every movement of her body for not disturbing her own mental situation.)

Nation awaits when Aaradhya will start walking - Times of India Survey

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 22 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - BOLLYWOOD
Biggest survey in India shows 98% Indians waiting for Aaradhya to start walking
An extensive survey of Times of India of 13234 Indians from different states and religions shows that 98% Indians are patiently waiting for Aaradhya to walk and some idiot guy gets a photograph from behind.
"Yes we got a tremendous amount of response," said Jaideep Bose, Editor-in-chief of Times of India (TOI) "This is the second largest quantum of real poll conducted by TOI after it showed how Rahul Baba is hot cake in Ethiopia."
Sources said that TOI was finding some unique material after its rival Hindustan Times (HT) gathered two exclusive news; one a fanatic fan could collect the pictures of Aaradhya from backside with Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and described how she looks elaborataley. Second when Jaya Bachachan gave an exclusive interview to HT saying that Aaradhya looks little bit of Aishwarya and little bit of Abhishek Bachchan also she confirmed that Aaradhya is trying to crawl now. Sources also said that all these exclusive articles were expected to give HT an edge for catching the tender of a PR Newspaper for Bachchan family in 2013, which made TOI quite uncomfortable leading to conduct a mass survey.
While thrashing all these allegations, TOI Vice Chairman Samir Jain said "That's ridiculous allegation why should we try to become Bachchan family's PR wire. We just wanted to show all the Bachchans that how much patiently we along with 98% Indians are waiting to get updated that Aaradhya is started walking."
Rival HT however, gave no importance to this news and said that TOI is playing cheap game.
Sanjay Narayan, HT Editor-in-chief said "TOI is playing hideous games. What matters to readers is the fact and not fiction. We show them the facts. We show them the photograph of Aaradhya with description as how she looks. What concrete these guys have done besides conducting useless polls?"
According to sources, HT is conducting a special worldwide poll discussing whether Aaradhya should contest for President of India's post after six years when today's expected President Pranab Mukherjee will resign.

Kapil Sibal announced slap-proof helmets for all the politicians after famous slapper Harvinder Singh threatened him

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 21 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS WIRE - POLITICS
Now all politicians will have a Faceproof security - Kapil Sibal

Kapil Sibal demonstrating slap-resistant helmet in a packed press conference

 (In a packed conference Union HRD Minister Kapil Sibal, who received a threat from famous slapper, Harvinder Singh, demonstrated a slap-proof helmet specially designed for all Indian politicians, MPs and Ministers.
"We are considering a law for Faceproof security for all ministers of the government. The said benefit will be extended to other MPs and MLAs. The helmets will be distributed under the scheme Sonia Gandhi Face Guarantee and Security Scheme," said Kapil Sibal.
He said "The slap-proof helmet has all the security functions and it also saves the teeth of kind and humble politicians from the wicked ingredients of the society.")

Sharad Pawar slapper may use slipper this time - IB alert

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Kapil Sibal is searching for suitable helmet for internal security
After India's most read satire news paper, Times of India reported a first Intelligence Bureau (IB) alert that slapper Harvinder Singh who slapped former telecom minister Sukhram and Union minister Sharad Pawar within a span of five days in November 2011, might slap Human Resource and Development (HRD) minister Kapil Sibal at a public function, India Satire correspondent received an another alert from an IB source that this time Harvinder Singh would use slipper.
An IB source told India Satire correspondent "We got a call from Harvinder Singh early in the morning. He said to us that oye! ye strong Sardarnu aawaj hai. Unni chotte chotte loggo ke liye mera itthu itthu saa haath kaafi thaa oye... Pan abb mainu apani slipper laggani hai. While we tried to ask him where he is he just put down the phone."
When the correspondent tried to contact IB, it said that they have only first alert and can't talk to any other satire besides TOI on the sensitive issues.
The director of Intelligence Bureau (IB), Nehchal Sandhu said "WTF! How does it matter whether he will hit by slipper or slapper. Thing is it is the first time that IB alerted the target before it got accomplished. So celebrate it. If we get any other alert, then read it on TOI."
India Satire correspondent could not reach to Kapil Sibal for his reactions. According to sources, he cancelled all the public functions and press conferences till he finds a suitable helmet for himself.
Helmet that may be used by Kapil Sibal to protect himself
The source told India Satire correspondent "Actually, Sibal Sir's head is unusually strong and big including his face. Therefore, we are trying to manufacture a suitable and safe helmet from a branded helmet company."
The source also said that meanwhile Sibal is finding a censorship law on slapping the politicians or challenging to slap the politician. 


(Fake News)

Indian dogs to rally against gutka spitters for encroachment of their places earlier used for their natural activities

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Wednesday, 20 June 2012 | Posted in

TOP STORIES - OTHERS
Meanwhile, government decided to promote colourful Indian roads internationally to attract more foreign tourists
Indian dogs announced a rally against all the gutka spitters, protesting over the encroachment of their legitimate places which were earlier used for peeing are now spitted by gutka. These places include corners of trees, pillars and walls.
"We have to pee somewhere and corners are the real place bhow waaouww," said Moti Dog, President of All India Dogs Association (AIDA) "We all want to use corners of the pillars and trees also few platforms for peeing which is our legitimate demand. However, with ever rising population of gutka spitters who have same habits like we have, to spit wherever a corner found created a serious havoc like situation for us. Uhhhuuuuuuu."
Study said that rising encroachment from the gutka spitters in India has created serious health related issues for Indian dogs. While dogs required minimum level of hygiene and cleanliness while completing their natural activity, they are not really willing to do it in the places where gutka spitters already spitted.
Some parts of pillars which earlier were used by dogs
"That red colour sucks our asses. We hate that smell and stain. It is also harmful for our health. Bhooo bhoo," said a pet dog from a Worli Sea Facing building to India Satire correspondent, with a condition of anonymity.
He said "We just feel vomiting when we see that thing and how these Indians can tolerate such nonsense. At least they could have found any other place to use their tongue in much proper way. This is damn ridiculous. Wow waaw."
Dogs lobby demanded a reservation of 30% corners of streets, pillars, platforms and trees where no human being will vomit his gutka and thereby these places will remain a bit clean and hygienic.
Few aggressive dogs, however, are not in favor of peaceful protests.
"Only two tigers can stay in a jungle. Bhoo bhoo," said Tiger dog, "Either we all dogs will use corners of these places or these gutka spitters. They can't have our habits, so come, fight with us directly and decide whether we shall pee on those pillars or they will spit. Uhuuuuuuu."
However, meanwhile the government decided to promote the colourful Indian roads painted by daily gutka street kings across the international markets, to attract weirdness and strangeness searching foreign tourists.
"Yes, actually asking everybody to stay hygiene and clean is kind of hitting out on a stone which doesn't even move a fraction. These are so careless people that in spite of putting fine of Rs 500 they don't stop spitting. So finally we decided that if this is unique thing of India then why not promote it. At least few nasty and weird foreign tourists will come to India to watch these roads," said Subodh Kant Sahay, Tourism Minister of India.
Red design to attract foreign tourists
He said "India is becoming more and more popular for its gutka spitters. However, many foreigners don't know that we have red colour roads which itself is a unique thing. It will also bring a huge amount of foreign investment for India."
Sahay also told that in India many bus, train and even on airport platforms, corners of pillars and trees are full of red colours and different designs.
Government sources said that the campaigning would start after the monsoon completes. The ministry also plans to talk to get all the sites as World Heritage grade so that few sensible tourists will also visit India.
However, few sources said that there are many other uses of gutka spitters too.
A source on condition with anonymity said "Actually, few suggestions came like if gutka spitters are so courageous that they don't fear the law then why don't we send them on border so that at least this courage will help India to improve its security." 
No fear of law, courageous human beings

BJP announced a secular and liberal candidate for PM's post, bending towards Nitish Kumar's demands

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

Iqbal Thomas Aiyer Nariyal Paniwala 
WAR FOR ELECTIONS IN 2014: NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Leaders found Tamil Nadu based party worker Iqbal Thomas Aiyer Nariyal Paniwala most secular and liberal candidate
Bending towards Nitish Kumar's demand that NDA's Prime Minister candidate in 2014 elections should be secular and liberal, Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) said that its candidate for Prime Minister's post would not be Narendra Modi and it would be a Tamil Nadu based active party worker Iqbal Thomas Aiyer Nariyal Paniwala.
"Actually, earlier I was thinking about Sanjay Joshi but these RSS guys sent him for Adivasi raksha work. So finally I came to conclusion that Iqbal Thomas Aiyer Nariyal Paniwala would be best to represent the renewed face of BJP which is more secular and liberal," said Nitin Gadkari, party President.
Iqbal Thomas Aiyer Nariyal Paniwala is an active BJP worker in Tamil Nadu and helped Jayalalitha to win the recent assembly elections. However, he was largely ignored as aam party worker.
"We are not like people who just go to aam aadmi's house and eat lavishly in spite of high food prices," said Nitin Gadkari.
He said "We shall promote our aam party candidate as Prime Minister."
Iqbal Thomas Aiyer Nariyal Paniwala said "I am happy as Nitin Saar considered me as a most secular and liberal and fully eligible for PM's post."
While India Satire correspondent asked him how can he say himself as a secular and liberal he said "My papa was Aiyer while mumma was Muslim and both were hardcore Congress supporters and therefore Pappa converted into Catholic while Mumma listening to speeches of great Congress leaders like Diggyji forced my name to put as Iqbal. However, I am ardent supporter of BJP and my costumes which involves wearing only a lungi is kind of symbol of liberal nature."

Nithyananda on stress and tensions in life

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NITHYANANDA VANI
Sex is biggest stress reliever, which is not available for me - Nithyananda
I start my Nithyananda Vani with few good sweet names on my tongue. Though, here in jail there is hardly any sweet name or face, I can recall some of them from my strong memories. First name comes to my mind is Ranjitha then whatever else. Oops... sucks why Vivek's name came to my mind, I think I am straight. Sucks! Stop thinking about sweet names and directly head to the topic.

So today life has become very much stressful. It's not just for India or America's headache but an universal phenomena. I would say planetary phenomena. See now sun is stressed out because of his ass always fucked by his own fire. See the moon that is stressed out of age old coldness. Obama is stressed out of Hillary's hilarious but non-comic jokes while Angela Merkel by thinking that she would not recover German money even after 100 years from Greece and Spain as there would be no person alive in these countries. So much and so deep stress all over!
Story of India is a little bit different. Here stress can be transferable. Manmohan is not stressed out because his stress is taken over by Sonia aunty while Rahul Baba transfers any kind of stress to his tea and table spoons otherwise he would himself require to study and read many papers and books.
So what can we learn from my deeper thought process and analysis on stress is that Indians are little bit less stressed out as stress can be transferable here unlike other countries. The stress is also negotiable in India. While Pranab Mukherjee was stressed out of the idea of becoming Prime Minister, Sonia aunty negotiated better position of President for him. My internal sources in the government told me that Pranab is yet confused why Sonia was so much kind enough to offer him President's position rather than offering it to her son, as the position was best one in India. Ok so next, while Pranab was stressed out whether he will become President or not, his party people negotiated Mulayam Singh Yadavji. Mamata Banerjee finally negotiated in a way that she wouldn't participate only makes herself stress free.
So my first analysis say that transfer the stress you will be relieved from stress. Second solution was, negotiate the stress and you will be stress free. Both these options/solutions are available in India. Now the third one would be indulge in sex you will be stress free. This one is available everywhere in the world.
So I come to actual point now, why I am stressed out. See when somebody blocks you from doing natural activities like pissing, shitting, drinking then you will get irritated or say in proper words, stressed out. Now these idiot law makers have stopped me from doing my natural activity like sex and made me stressed out. I really tried to use all the above three methods of injection but couldn't get out of it. I transferred my stress but my self-conscious continuously said that no it's my birth right to have somebody. I negotiated with them saying any aunty or granny I would be comfortable with but they didn't negotiate. Finally, I told them at least give me an uncle which also they said that you will get but you will not get any aunty in return.

Aam Aadmi sulks for not being lucky to contest for President elections of India

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 19 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWSWIRE - POLITICS
Demands reservation for all aam aadmis in India to contest President poll

Aam Aadmi Rohit Sharma though looks like Sharad Pawar he is not
(Aam Aadmi, Rohit Sharma expressed his displeasure over not being lucky to get support from the parliamentarians (representatives of entire population of India) of India. While he tried to get support from the members of Parliament they just ignored him as being an aam aadmi and not included in the list of non aam aadmis like Pranab Mukherjee and PA Sangama. He demands a reservation for all India's aam aadmis.)

Charged with Digvijay Singh's statement, Arindam Chaudhuri applied for finance ministry's job

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 18 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
To offer Air Condition toilets to Indians in line with Montek Singh Ahluwalia
After deliberate efforts to find out great finance minister to renew the hopes on the Indian economy, great and India's only international economist, international tink-tank (oh sorry think-tank), international author, international film maker, international dean, international management author, international marketing guru, international philosopher, international spiritual guru and guru of gurus, Arindam Chaudhuri (popularly known for his internationally acclaimed pony tail) offered his services to finance ministry of India.

"Yea guys, why not? Why don't I help India to recover? Though, I should serve bigger and larger economies, my first duty is to make Indian economy better. There is saying that domestic economy is like mata and foreign economy is mausi," said well known great Arindam Chaudhuri.
Arindam Chaudhuri charged up when Chacha Digvijay Singh said that a non-politician can become finance minister of India.
He said "I also sucked up by giving idiotic replacement budgets to Rahul Gandhi which neither have been taken under consideration by the government, nor implemented. Now voice is also choked up by consistently creating rhetoric. I dare all the politicians to think beyond IITians and IIM guys for Finance Ministry."
Sources said that Arindam now wants a serious job as his width of lips and jaw has increased dramatically by 3-4 inches on consistently smiling for no need.
"That sucks! Who told you that idiotic thing about me? I am endowed with a great smile and I don't need to smile it automatically expands, as I start thinking. It's a phenomenon of the uneconomical jaw width and irrational depth of mouth which is founded in great personalities," informed Arindam Chaudhuri.
After analysing the non-alternative budget to Rahul Gandhi presented by Pranab Mukherjee, he again raised voice over his famous 'Khao Aur Khilao Budget'.
"I have more courage to introduce FDI in retail, not just in retail but in toilets as well. I assure that all Indians will get Air Conditioned toilets like Montek Singh uses at 50 paise per visit," said Arindam.
While India Satire correspondent asked the views of Diggy Chacha on Arindam's candidature.
He said "WTF! Arindamji should be pragmatic rather than talking nonsense. I was just promoting myself as I was away from active politics since last 12 years."

Morgan Stanley India offered A. Raja a position of Telecom Analyst

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - BUSINESS
Immense talent and expertise in telecom sector would help achieve great levels of intelligence in the telecom sector - Morgan Stanley
Considering his immense talent and great depth of expertise, India's reputed foreign equity broker offered A. Raja a position of telecom sector analyst. According to the company, A. Raja will bring a valuable research tools and great levels of integrity and connectivity in the equity research and telecom sector.

"A. Raja will bring his understanding and sensibility of knowledge in the telecom sector while under his supervision our research team shall start producing better and bigger research reports," said Aisha De Sequeira, MD of Morgan Stanley.
She said "There is immense opportunities in valuing telecom businesses which have tumbled to levels of first come first serve basis of valuation levels. Now it is the best thing to appoint a person who has that skills of knowing the true valuations of the company."
A. Raja is still to confirm about the recruitment but sources said he asked Morgan Stanley for getting a true liberty in deciding the value of telecom stocks without using any kind of fundamental value criteria. Sources said that he may consider job, as he is totally unemployed these days.
A. Raja's live personal secretary told India Satire correspondent "Saar will decide on his terms only. There is already an offer for him from DMK Supremo Saar to contest for President's post. Karunanidhi Saar assured him that if he wanted to contest then DMK will back out Pranab Mukherjee's support."
While India Satire correspondent contacted, great market expert SP Tulsian, for his reactions, first he kept mum then with high levels of irritation he said "Go to hell you guys. There is no better analyst than me."

According to survey Indian citizens are happier for Pranabda on taking VRS instead of reelecting Abdul Kalam as India's President

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Saturday, 16 June 2012 | Posted in

SURVEY - POLITICS
Shocking revelation slammed on Mamata Banerjee
An extensive survey by Centre for the Study of Developing Societies (CSDS) came to a conclusion that Indian people are more happy that Pranab Mukherjee left finance ministry than Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam couldn't become the President of India. The finding was an another slap on the face of Chief Minister of West Bengal, Mamata Banerjee who was constantly saying that country wants Dr. Kalam to be India's President.

"Now Mamata has nothing to say and now let her take Facebook Poll and become the Facebook's President. The study of independent survey wanted Pranab Mukherjee to become the President of India," said Congress spokesperson Janardan Dwivedi.
The survey of 12469 people from various age groups, income groups and castes were interviewed by CSDS. 90% of them told the agency that it is better Pranab Mukherjee leave finance ministry immediately and become less harmful by joining presidency of India. Most of them were unanimous that they can bear the fact that Dr. Kalam can't become President of India if Pranabda takes a voluntary retirement and become the 'Yes Man' of the government.
"He was always a Yes Man but when he was in the finance ministry it affected entire country, its economy and more strongly on the inflation. Now, his work would be restricted only to choose foreign trips and make the itinerary of the tours," said Pankaj Desai, one of the participants in the survey.
Yogendra Yadav, a social scientist and member of CSDS said "Yea! Actually people want lesser irritation. This is a common behavior I found in all the people of India. Our earlier survey also says the same thing. So it is always be a lesser harm than more utility. So the survey reflects the mindset of the people."
Congress Party celebrated the survey finding and rubbished Mamata Banerjee's findings that almost entire country wanted Dr. Kalam to become India's President.
Janardan Dwivedi also asked all the participants of the survey and entire nation to thank Sonia Mata who just move Pranabda from finance minister's post and Congress' internal defence minister's post to harmless post.

Nithyananda on Mamata Banerjee joining Facebook

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NITHYANANDA VANI
Secret of ND Tiwari's eternal sex life revealed

I congratulate Pranab Mukherjee with immense peace in my mind towards his tenure of President of India. As he crossed his age of sex life, I would not suggest him anything. Otherwise with my experience he could have avoided any kind of surveillance camera in President House.
Rest everybody sleep in peace including police, judges, and my girlfriends for some time so that I would write Nithyananda Vani for the fans of India Satire.
Today as usual, Times of India came with weird news that Mamata Auntijee joined Facebook and only she herself liked her own profile. I have suggestion for auntyji. She can practice yoga and keep herself fresh and more eventful. Ok! So she can consistently watch her breath if she has some bit of patience and she can become peaceful, fresh and eventful woman.
One eventful person and my ardent follower I remember was ND Tiwari who crossed his age of sex but still love the weird stuff. He is a real sexual beast. Pranab can learn from his colleague.
Patience helps man to grow up their own limbs into fully erected species. I had practiced such yoga and Ranjithaji was the fan of it, aghast.....
These days I am just having some dumbbells to keep my body more lively so that after I bailed out by Indian judges I will practice more yoga. I don't have sad feeling that these days I am busy in actual spiritual yoga rather than immortal physical yoga, but at least they could have leaked my video with more beautiful girls and great foreigners instead of aunty Ranjitha.
Ok so come back to Mamata Auntyji! So auntyji you should avoid bhondu babas like Ramdev Baba who preaches idiotic yoga moves while disallowing you to collect some black money. You can come to me when I will be released from the jail. I would give you training of peaceful yoga as well as earning a bit of black money.
I have many advises for other people too which shall come back with time as I have a lot of free time and there is no lady police inspector over here. Thanks to India Satire for publishing my Vani.

After President, Pranab is declared as 'immortal soul'

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 15 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS
Mata Sonia Gandhi showered her blessings and gifted tickets of world tour and passes of different planets
With blessings of Mata Sonia Gandhi, despite the anger of behen Mamata Didi, Pranab Mukherjee is finally on the seat of President. With the post of President of India, Mata also showered her blessings on Pranabda and declared him as an immortal soul. Such degree, Mataji gave to Pratibha Aunty Patil when she first became President and travelled through-out world and different planets. Pratibha Patil confirmed that she also measured different dimensions of various planets which will be useful for NASA's research.

"It wash pleashore that Madomji give me shush honour. I will ushe all the travol ticket and passhesh of all the planetsh. Thank you madomji, thank you Mataji," said happy Pranabda.
NASA congratulated for Pranabda's selection and told Soniaji that the research agency expected Pranabda to do great work on its theory inter-planetary dimensions and will also move to different horizons.
NASA Chief Engineer Michael Ryschewitsch said "We congratulate Sonia for her great selection of the guy who will be going to travel throughout different planets. We have many plans for him. First we are happy to offer him free tickets of NASA's history-making Space X capsule. We are also planning a Sun voyage for him. As he is an immortal soul now we expect best things to deliver by him on Sun."

Samples of broccoli and lettuce found in of Nithyananda's teeth

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWSWIRE - OTHERS
Yoga Teacher revealed shocking use of modern equipments and foreign food techniques

 
(After treadmill and dumbbells found in the private rooms of the Nithyananda, who preaches about the power of yoga to the world, another shocking truth revealed by Police. His teeth samples showed broccoli and lettuce remainders instead of cauliflower and cabbage, respectively. Sources said that Police gave shocking reactions as at the time of Yoga, there was no availability of broccoli and lettuce so how could he eats the same while preaching age-old Indian yoga.)

UPA finally chose Rahul Gandhi as a president candidate, both Mulayam and Mamata supported whole heartedly

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS WIRE - POLITICS
Pranab Mukherjee will stay as Finance Minister

 
(UPA government finally reduced the pressure on the country and backed out Pranab Mukherjee as a President candidate and announced that Rahul Gandhi will file his nomination for the post and any party who will not support him for the President candidature would lose their credibility. All the parties which include SP, TMC and BJP out of fear that if they don't support Rahul Gandhi for candidature of President's post would be punished by voters for helping him becoming the Prime Minister of India announced their supports.)

Censor Board said consider Emraan Hashmi and Mahesh Bhatt movies as single X

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

NEWS IN BRIEF - BOLLYWOOD
Board said that it is first move towards double X and triple X movies
Censor Board of India confirmed that there was no need for any hue and cry on whether porn movies should allow or not and take a glance of permitted movies of Emraan Hashmi and Mahesh Bhatt which though are rated A are actually single X.

"Actually, we thought to take gradual efforts to make India as a hub to create beautiful, romantic and better X rated movies. However, you know, if we tell people that these are X rated movies then they will shout from their a$$ holes. But now if we fix A rating then they are happy," said Leela Samson, chairperson of Censor Board of India.
According to sources, it was a deliberate move of the Board to gradually make Indian audiences used to see such wonderful and creative pieces of Bhatt family while avoiding overdose of sex.
"Yes we are with Censor Board's plan and therefore made many experiments with our single X strategy demonstrated by Emraan Hashmi," Mahesh Bhatt told India Satire correspondent. The correspondent got a sense that he heard a voice of teeth munching while Bhatt was imposing his statement.
"Emraan has different animal in himself. The animal has hunger, lust, greed and great sucker. We identified these qualities in Emraan while other top rated actors look mostly dumb and therefore their sex scenes look idiotic. Emraan has very powerfully performed 102 lip lock scenes with numerous actresses, shows his immense caliber," said Mahesh Bhatt. However, he also told that there would be a gradual shift towards top rated actors as and when they become a bit mature.
However, recently Emraan Hashmi performed in an outside Bhatt camp movie so would he replace him with any other guy.
Mahesh Bhatt said "I have a bit better replacement better greedy, better lusty and more hungry Kunal Khemu. I will replace him against Emraan in most of the B-rated Bhatt Camp movies while Emraan will perform in A-rated Bhatt Camp movies."
Sources from Censor Board said that this is an actually a rolling plan and within 5 years we shall move to double and then next 5 years to triple.

Breaking News: Finally, Mamata Banerjee said that if inflation goes to 20% levels then she will quit UPA

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 14 June 2012 | Posted in

NEWS WIRE -POLITICS
Government breathes out as it would take some time to reach inflation to that level

 
(Frustrated over Mamata Banerjee's threatening, finally UPA government maestro Sonia Gandhi asked her when would she took out the support. According to sources, Mamata didi told that she will quit the government when inflation will reach to 20% from current 7.55% and not before that.)

Indian government announced 'Dada Kondke' award in line with Dadasaheb Phalke award for contribution to double meaning dialogues

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

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Hillary Clinton was selected as a first recipient of the award
In line with most prestigious Dadasaheb Phalke award, Indian government lauched Dada Kondke award for double meaning dialogues to all world famous celebrities and politicians and it decided to give the first award to Hillary Clinton. This award will be the last one to be distributed by India's President Pratibha Patil.

"Dada Kondke was the master in double meaning dialogues and nobody has picked his hands till date. We came to conclusion that he should be honored by naming a double meaning dialogue award after him it would also honor ourselves," said India's Ambika Soni, India's Minister of Information & Broadcasting.
She confirmed that the award will be equal to India's best cinema award, Dadasaheb Phalke Award and will be distributed to all the people whether in India or in the world who passes vulgar statements.
The Dadasaheb Phalke Award is India's highest award in cinema given annually by the Government of India for lifetime contribution to Indian cinema.
She said "While we read the news about Hillary making some double meaning statement in US, then thought that it would be the best time to announce such award. Hillary Clinton has a good track record of passing vulgar statements, ask Obama."
She also told that she had overnight chat with SM Krishna who confirmed the development that Hillary passed a vulgar statement.
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told media that India-US relationship is an "affair of the heart" and her commitment to it has not diminished in any way with its 'ups and downs'.
"With respect to affairs of the heart, they usually have ups and downs," she said amidst laughter at a joint press conference with Indian External Affairs Minister SM Krishna at the end of the third edition of India-US strategic dialogue.
SM Krishna told reporters in US that it was confirmed that Hillary would get most hilarious award of India and it would really help improving India's relations with the US.

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